Do we really need a partner to be happy?

This is a common belief but it's not always the truth. You should know that happiness comes from within, however, your well being is not another person's responsibility either. It's yours to take care of yourself even if that means you need to be independent and make your own decisions.

The quest for a fulfilling relationship often makes us think we’re going to need to be strong and independent. We need to stand on our own two feet, free from any reliance on others, right? But if you believe that kind of thinking, then you're missing out on some very concrete realities about what really happens in a healthy relationship with another person.

This is true. Although, I could possibly be missing out on something because I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months before it was over. Maybe we aren't meant to get married or have a family someday and that may be sad but at least I don't need you to make me happy. You're there for me when my friends don't understand or constantly tease me or make me feel like crap because of how much they love someone else but they can't see their way to loving you back.

Condependency

You’re probably wondering how someone could stay in a relationship without becoming codependent. To me, it sounds like an impossible goal: we’ve all heard people say that love can heal all wounds and take away all pain. They also say it’s the most magical feeling in the world, and that sticking around for long-term happiness is one of the most important parts of helping your partner feel like he’s loved.

Yet, there is something else that biology says about our relationships: we do need others. The short answer is no, because as much as we tell ourselves we don’t need anybody, biological differences tell a very different story.

Attachment Theory believes that once you become attached to someone, the two of you form one physiological unit. We’re no longer separate entities—instead, our partner regulates our heart rate, breathing, blood pressure and levels of hormones in our blood as well as our psychological and emotional well-being.

No matter how independent we are, when we fall in love it becomes hard to be objective. When we realize our partner is someone who can make us happy, then all too often we feel compelled to do what he or she asks of us. You might have to give up your old life, you might have to move away from family and friends, or even change your career path. When we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play—new patterns of behavior emerge regardless of how independent we are or how strong our conscious wills are.

Dependency always exists, even if you're not looking for it. If a situation occurs that makes one partner dependent on the other, this dependency can become a “trap” because of the power differential between the partners.

Dependency has become a harmful word that causes us to avoid responsibility and assume the role of victim. Let’s not! We are all dependent on each other for survival and meaning, but we must determine our own sense of worthiness and surrender to the power of connection in order to be truly free.

The most celebrated advances in evolutionary biology have been ones that demonstrate the physiological benefits of the human couple becoming one physiological unit. For example, if a man and woman are fighting and their blood pressure spikes, that’s good for the survival of their offspring. If a man and woman are upset with each other, they can physically help each other cope with stress; it’s also good for the survival of their offspring. In sum: when a couple makes love, they are not just sex partners—but also partners in life.

Codependency in relationships often happens when one partner requires more attention, support and validation than the other partner. It can become a struggle for both partners, but it's also something that can be better understood and addressed, together. If you're in a relationship with someone like this, learning to listen to them better and meet their needs will likely help.

We need to be honest with ourselves and ask ourselves: can this person provide what I need in order to be happy? And if it turns out that they can’t, which is okay and it happens, it’s better to determine that early on, because if our needs are not met, we cannot be truly happy.