Can I do it?

I made my biggest mistake and that changed me overnight. It's not that I regret harboring the fruits of it and it's not that I regret it. I'm just feeling sorry for the mistake that I did. First of all to God, second to my parents, and third to my child. I know how to face the consequences and I'm not running from them. It's a thing that I should pay for all my life, me alone.

I don't regret having her as my child. In all honesty, I'm thankful and blessed. She is my wake-up call to change myself to be a better person every day since she was formed inside my womb. I just regret that I have made her in the wrong way out of the rush of youth and immaturity. Every day I keep apologizing silently that she has to bear the consequences of that mistake.

Despite that remorse, she is a blessing in disguise, a gift of life that God has given me. When she came into my world, my life changed overnight, my fate is realigned and rewritten. It's like every blessing just came to me one after another. First, I have been able to reconcile with my family. Back then, unity is absent in the household and the only one present is chaos.

We learn to understand each other slowly, easing the hatred and anger that is always going ahead of us whenever we meet each of the family members. Through her smiles and laughter, we have gathered as one once again. We learn to love and be happy. We value each of the family members now and the concern is visible. Unlike back then, when not one of us could utter the question, "How are you?", to each of us and can't even type it in the messaging app on our phones to send it to any of us.

It's all changed.

My daughter, though I call her a little gremlin, is probably an angel for real. She leads me back to the Father above when I was a certified rebel back then. Since I got my faith back, it's like everything just fell into place one by one. Showers of blessings have come down to me as if it was God's welcome gift for me for believing in Him once again.

I have faith that God wouldn't forsake me for His grace is sufficient and I certainly know that He will provide whenever I have some needs. It is just that this mental illness is taunting me, distorting my thoughts every time it knocks on my chest. It would sabotage me to the point that I'll think I have arrhythmia, nerve spasm, and abnormality with my sweating glands.

It would just make me overthink over and over one thing, that is if I can truly do it. If I can truly raise a child on my own. Of course, raising a child isn't just like taking care of a dog. It cost a lot of time, energy, and money. I can have time because I know to manage that. I still have energy because I'm still young. The biggest problem present is the money. Yeah, it is surely a problem for everyone, the financials. 

Then the question, "How can I earn money so I can have a way to sustain my child?", goes next. That is surely the real question there to make me prove to myself that I can do it. I know that God will provide but it doesn't mean that I don't have to do anything. Still, I should work for it, so the blessings would come to me as I needed them.

Still, the question is how? Then, this platform appeared so I can showcase my passion while earning something. Well, still it's not a permanent solution but it can ease some of my burdens. I still have to find some regular jobs or part-time jobs since we can't be so sure if this platform could last forever, sad but true.

I'm not so sure if I can do my responsibilities to her well but I know that I will try my best to do so despite having episodes of the dark side that are always trying to consume me.

"There's nothing a mother can do for her child."

That's what my mother said as I relay it here right now. Sure, it is. I have anxieties every time I have job interviews which is why I can't express myself well to sell my skills well. However, it wouldn't hinder me to reach my goals for her and earning my desired income to provide her with a good future.

The truth is, I may look brave, strong, and independent in the eyes of the onlookers but honestly, I am truly weak. I just can't show that side of me and I can't let it weaken my willful soul. All I know is just to fight my inner demons as I can and continue praying that I can do it, I can make it, and I can surpass whatever challenge is it.

As I end by sharing my thoughts on my weak side, please wish me well in your prayers. Thanks for reading!

• Lead Images edited from Canva

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