My name is frank and this is my story, a story that I wanted to share to everybody, not to clear my reputation nor to reiterate that I did not do something unethical in nature.
In my almost 22nd years of existence in this world, sometimes, I wonder if it’s enough for me to say that I’m already satisfied with everything I’ve been through. The first time I gained my whole consciousness and part of my maturity was at the age of 12. I’ve been pushing myself up to the limits when it comes to academic excellence. I’ve exerted so much effort so that I can make my parents proud of me and so they did.
Struggles, hardships and/or challenges are part of life it doesn’t matter whether it is financial or psychological or physical aspects. I don’t mind it at all cause I know I can overcome every single problem that is yet to come because I’m strong, my parents raise me to become strong, to become independent not because they don’t want me to burden them anymore but rather it is the right thing to do because as they always told me before, “ we will not be here beside you forever, time will come, you’ll be facing all the hardship on your own”.
I thought I already faced my most downfall life experience when my father died during my 15th birthday. I was wrong, because 6 months after that doomsday of my life, a time when I was still on recovery of losing someone important to me, there was this one single news that crashed my whole life into pieces and it shuttered not just my physical strength but even my mental, emotional and spiritual force. I was diagnosed with HIV, yes, HIV. I tried to process it deep into my mind, I sat down on our couch, I feel like my tears will flow but it seems like all of my tears was all dried up for over 6 months of crying and crying of losing my own father.
My head was so confused, I,.I don’t know where the hell I get this damn virus. Yes’, I did experience sex once in my life but I know it was protected, and no, I’m not a call boy, I know within my soul that I did not do such a thing like that but, how? How did I get this illness? How come I did not experience a single symptom when it was still possible to cure? Why? Why did all these things happen to me?
I always ask myself those questions but never in my mind has come to question God because I know that God has a purpose of letting me experience these hardships.
I tried to hide my illness to anyone, I did not tell my friends not even my family. I tried to face it alone, I tried to fight it all alone. Why? Because I was scared, scared to face the reality of human nature that instead of understanding the situation and if they don’t then just shut their mouth up. Yes, I was scared that other people might judge me if they know about my condition.
I don’t know if I can fight it, I’m scared of fighting it all by myself, however it scares me more if everybody will know and probably kill me with their over judgement thoughts and opinions.
2 months later, it’s my day off from my work, I decided to go home and stay there for 2 days. On my way to our house, every person I passed by stares at me with judging eyes. In that moment, I think I know why. Some of them even whispered and thought that I was a call boy or maybe I tried to slept with same gender as I am. It hurts, this was my one and only anxiety. It’s really hard to hide such a tremendous illness. What can I do? I don’t have the guts to yell at those gossips because they only judging base from the present circumstances they know, so how can I blame them for judging me though they are judging me in the wrong way and so what? I cannot control their inverted minds, but no matter how hard I tell myself that it’s okay, I know it’s not.
In front of our door, I knock 3 times before opening it. My mother was in front of it from the inside, standing, and upon opening of the door, she suddenly hugged me tightly. She cried while saying “I’m sorry nak! Hindi ko na nasabi sayo kase alam kong ikagugulo ng mundo mo”, then I hugged her back, I tried not to cry but this time my tears that was dried up for a long time started to flow again. For over 2 months I kept it because I thought she will judge me, yell at me and blame me for what happen to me but all I got when I finally went home was a warm hugged and an overwhelming welcome and support from her.
I wipe my tears then strongly told her; “Ma! I have HIV!”. She held my hands and told me that she knew. She knew it all along because I inherited it form her. That’s when I knew that she got the virus from her ex-boyfriend before she meets my dad. She got pregnant with me about 2 months before the virus in her finally became inactive. They tried to check me because of the possibility of inheriting the same virus. It was detected when I was 5 years old and I undergone medication since then but it became inactive when I turned 8. All I know that time is that I only had blood infection because that’s what they explained to me. They thought It will never come back up until I discovered it.
Is this true or just a fiction?