Don't read this, it's going to make you dislike me!
This article is about being angry and disgusted with myself, and then rationalizing the thing that angered and disgusts me until I'm okay with what I'm angry with myself for...
And before you ask, I do not know why I then wrote it into an article and post it for the world to read. Really, I don't have a clue, I just know I need to, I guess...
Usually, I am one of those people that can overlook a lot of less than admirable things I do, think or feel. I usually do this while condemning and judging other people for doing the same thing, and it's very rare for me to get in a state of mind in which I'm honest with myself and kick my ass, so to speak.
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Today, however, is one of those rare exceptions where almost immediately after thinking something, and exclaiming about it out loud even though I was alone, I felt disgusted with myself for thinking and saying what I did. And the worst thing of it all is that I genuinely felt like what I thought and said. It wasn't like I thought and said it jokingly or sarcastically.
you're probably thinking "Okay numbnuts, quit stretching it and throw it out there already! What is it you were thinking and saying." and I can't blame you. It's not like I'm stalling to stretch this article but I'm simply even at this moment reluctant to put it into writing and there's a real chance that all this isn't going to be up for everyone to read. Wouldn't be the first time is spent hours on an article only to decide to press CTRL-A and then DEL.
But okay, writing a piece about this without coming clean and telling you what it exactly is.
This is a literal quote translated from my thoughts which tend to be in Dutch with a Brabantian accent, and English with an American one mixed together:
"Damngod, for the first time in two frikking years I get to celebrate my birthday at the Masters of Hardcore event and that's the time Putin decides to go into an all-out war, killing innocent civilians by the thousands, while the west shows how hypocritical and sickeningly self-centered they are. Everyone's feeling sorry for the Ukrainians but nobody spares even a single thought for me."
Yes, my reaction was the same as yours. I actually was open-mouthed shocked and held my hand in front of my mouth as if afraid flies would fly into it. Especially when I realized that one of the things that were pissing me off was the West's self-centeredness.
But as shocked as I was, it didn't diminish the feeling of being pissed at a war infringing on my birthday celebration and enjoying Masters of Hardcore (This edition is still called the "Magnum Opus 25 year anniversary edition 2020" as the 2020 and 2021 editions were CovidCancelled.). It didn't take away the annoyance that the low-income part of our society is going to be the ones that are going to bear the consequences of the western governments' hypocritical way of dealing with Putin's middle finger to the EU and US. Sure, sanction this, a sanction that, freeze funds here and freeze other assets there. In the meantime inflation is skyrocketing out of control, Natural gas prices have more than doubled and the first couple of energy companies have gone bankrupt already.
I actually ended up in a heated discussion with myself (what we call "Bekvechten") like I was having a psychotic episode or an MPS breakdown or something. I know it sounds stupid but it is no less a fact that I've got at least two totally opposing positions about the whole Russia-Ukrain war. And when I really think through the whole issue, and the consequences and potential consequences I have to conclude that there is more than one opposing view within my brain. How stupid is that?
You see one very strongly held view I have is that the West should have, and still should, put in... I mean IT's money where its mouth was concerning Ukraine's membership in NATO. It's been dangling Nato membership in front of the Ukrainians for years now, with statements that "the doors are opened to Ukraine", but when push comes to shove they've always been scared shitless that it would provoke a severe response from Putin like we saw in Georgia.
Well, how'd that work out for ya? Ooooh shit, it didn't cause Georgia was a company teambuilding survival week compared to what is happening in Ukraine right now.
And how hypocritical can you get? Nato's member nations are all sending the most high-tech weapons, intelligence, and every other type of support they can think of to fight Russia. They're at least co-responsible for the death of 50% of all Russian casualties at this point as the weapons used by the Ukrainians are Turkish (check out the Turkish drone video's of tanks and other armored vehicles being obliterated by hellfire missiles fired from those drones) or straight-up US-made anti tanks weapons (Javelin missile systems sent to Ukraine by the hundreds) and anti-aircraft missiles (Stinger missiles to be exact). And it's not like they're sending the Ukrainians a couple of them. Of the Javelin weapons, they've sent 17.000 (!) and the US alone has shipped, and is shipping, over 1 BILLION dollars worth of weapons to the Ukrainian armed forces!
But they refuse to let Poland give the Ukrainian airforce their obsolete Mig-29s or to impose a no-fly zone over Ukraine. I think if you'd ask Putin or the Russian soldiers, they'd prefer the Mig-29s or the no-fly zone over the Bayraktar TB2 drones, Javelin, and Stingers! So their whole "we're not actively participating in the conflict" bullshit talk is sickening to me. So yes I think NATO should have, and still should, directly intervene by sending troops, imposing a no-fly zone, and kicking the Russian forces out of Ukraine.
That's how I feel about it, while on the other hand knowing full well what the consequence of that would be. Point is that I think, or rather I know, that when the Russian casualties begin to really ramp up (which they will as soon as the bulk of the Javelin and stinger weapons arrive in Ukraine) Putin will interpret that as direct intervention by Nato anyway. He's then going to "test Nato's resolve" by taking out the distribution hubs in Poland and Romania where the weapons arrive from all over the world and get loaded onto Ukrainian trucks for transport to the front. That can only be interpreted as an attack on Nato allied territory and a retaliatory strike from Nato on Russian targets.
In short: World War III.
Typing it out like this makes it even more shocking to realize that I am actually in favor of basically starting WWIII!
One thing this kind of thinking things through to the end result is that it makes the thoughts about it interfering with the happy celebration of my birthday and partying like an idiot all night at a hardcore rave insignificant and even justifiable. The attitude "Better party as much and as hard as you can, because you might not get another chance to for a couple of decades with the Nuclear winter and all." is gaining traction inside my brain right now, which is something I can live with quite nicely. Better than the attitude that drove me to write this piece.
I too wondered "But is it really okay, to rationalize away the awkward and embarrassing emotions about partying while there's a war going on, in Europe no less, that could easily (so easily I think it's probable if not inevitable) escalate into a global thermonuclear war?" like a lot of you are right now.
But I can choose to do so, or face being depressed, ashamed and embarrassed throughout my birthday and the weekend following it while I'm dancing for 12 hours to the hardcore beats together with 30 to 40 thousand fellow Gabbers who've not been able to "release the pressure" for over two years due to covid. And having boiled it down to that basic choice...
From 22:00 on March 26th until 10:00 on March 27th I'm going to party like it's the last party on Earth, and it's my duty to prove that the Human race is the only species ever to exist that can Party all the way through to its extinction.
Come Monday, March 28th I'll rethink the whole thing and, if needed, feel appropriately ashamed about it. I can always do penance and head to the Ukrainian embassy in the Hague to volunteer for the Ukrainian Foreign legion...
Thanks for reading this. (and sorry for revealing this really really bad side of me)
Stay safe and stay happy!