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I was sitting by the window trying to get either a little of a better data connection or the wifi when all of a sudden I was engulfed with cold breeze that made my hairs stand at their ends. I just feel my tears stream down on their own on my face. I asked a big "why?"

My heart aches as I think of them young souls. Honestly, I can't help my tears from falling, really. I started to sniffle and wipe it off with my sweater.

It's cold, as of 9am Thursday morning while I am writing this. The sun shines occasionally. The past night had rained cats and dogs and it's nice to stay in bed warm and dry but I had to wake up early to prepare breakfast and heat water for the kids' bath.

As I sit by the window after laying the baby in bed after he slept, I was scrolling through facebook when a "my day" popped in. "Another young man ended his life," it read.

"WHY?" Kept ringing in my mind. It just hurts so much. It's so hard to think of these younger generations so vulnerable.

Just last week, a young man aged 23 claimed his life. A husband to a beautiful young lady and father of a very young boy.

Coincidentally, the wife is a Facebook friend of mine which I never knew. They're actually from town that's why I don't know neither of the husband nor the wife. I added on my Facebook account anyone who is from near town for my online selling, perhaps that's why the girl is my friend.

I saw what she posted on her account saying in vernacular, "I told you to wait for me so that we will talk. It just hurts so much which is too unbearable. I can't accept the fact that you're gone."

I don't know what's the real reason behind but later did I learn that the young boy, their child was admitted at the hospital that's why they can't talk personally. I don't even know if the screenschot of their videocall was earlier that night because at dawn the young man was already gone.

I knew neither of the young man last week and today but the impact was so dense.

I can see my younger self in them. I have a very strict father that I almost feel like choking. I don't even like going home but am afraid of his iron hands, sya ang batas at wla kang karapatan, ganurn. The result is a routine of school-home only. I became rebellious, I ended up suicidal. Then later I ran away and ended up to a toxic marrital relationship which escalated my mind clouded by dark thoughts.

My anxiety and depression became worst especially whenever I am with child and after giving birth.

In my younger years whenever I wanted to end things up the thought of my family mourning for me weighs more than killing myself. All I can do is write everything in my journal. All the emotions, feelings of hatred towards my surroundings, anger, fears, ambitions, poems of pain and inspiration, and everything I can write. When I feel better, I will just crumple the papers I used to write in and tore it to little pieces. Then submerge it to the canal and let the water carry it away. It's because I don't have any close friend and I trust no one. I just say to myself "It will pass, self. Just let the storm rage on, then it will be gone."

The reason why we transferred here to my birthplace is because I can't stand being tortured mentally and emotionally anymore.

I cried infront of my parents that I may not be able to bear anymore pain. I don't want my kids to grow up without a mother.

Honestly, I wanted to give up. But when I look at my precious kids I can't tolerate the pain they might feel while growing without a mother.

When my kids are sleeping at night I just watch them while whispering that I will be strong. I won't leave them no matter how stubborn or hardheaded they might be sometimes. I just can't live losing any of the four.

I might not be the best mother but I hope that I can and will guide them, help them up whenever they fall. Today, they're just little kids and in no time they'll be on their teenage years which is challenging to both child and parents.

I may be in a state of depression but I am fighting. I may be broken and hope one day be able to pick the pieces again. I am not the strongest woman out their, am just a mother trying to stand and trying to see any glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I may feel weak sometimes but trying not to be vulnerable to just be consumed by my selfishness.

Closing thoughts

All I can say is reach out to our kids when we see them acting not themselves anymore. Be their friend though their friends will be their world during teen years. Let them feel they are loved, they have someone to turn to and that every problem has a solution. Let them learn that struggles and pain is a tool to harness their strength to be able to withstand the upcoming storms as they face the real world.

Today's generation is way too different from ours. They are easily being influenced by the digital world. Therefore, we have to guide them, set limitations gently but firmly and allow them to know God and his words.

It's supposed to be posted on Friday but the net connection won't cooperate.

10-2-22

Z_Graeden