Unplanned But Never Unwanted

How often do we hear and read on social media the quote "unplanned outing yet the best?" We can say that unplanned setting are more enjoyable than planned events because it brings more thrill and fun. But is it applicable to everything unplanned? No.

Tested Positive

Okay.. When we hear the word tested positive what comes to our mind first is about COVID-19 swab test.

On January of this year I missed my monthly period for two consecutive months. It was very unusual because I do have an irregular menstruation which only comes every other month. But this time, it was already two months. On that day forward, I can feel some changes within my body. The feeling of premenstrual syndrome, sensitive and strong sense of smell, my nipples became sore leaving cracks which made an unbearable pain everytime my youngest latched. Thus, I had to introduce formula milk to him which he didn't take at first unless he will see the wound on my nipples.

My husband, on one of the days he went to town to purchase materials for his boss' project, bought a pregnancy test kit and a number of pregnancy multivitamins which is Obimin plus. I stared at it and gave him a cold look.

Two purple stripes showed on the test kit. The other was pretty visible while the other was not. I didn't know what to feel about it. I was left blank minded, thoughts floating.. I got mad at last.

Denial

I started to take the multivitamins though I can't digest the fact yet. It didn't sink in yet. I have so much plans. Plans that were built with stones but later on turned into sand towers that was washed out by waves with a single splash. I felt very broken. Another thing that I was thinking was the current dilemma the world is facing these days. Having a newborn baby in this time will make things difficult due to the fact that every symptoms especially cough and colds that little children are prone with is associated with COVID-19. Lots of thoughts which will trigger my depression came to mind. I feel myself was exhausted enough after bearing 3 kids, not only physically but emotionally and psychologically. The feeling of being left out worsened. Left out because most of my batchmates were all successful in their life, having their own career.

Even if I felt this way, I am taking care of myself by taking my vitamins daily. The vitamin is quite expensive for me which costs 20php or $.52 per capsule but had to buy it for the sake of the little heartbeat beating with mine. I didn't get the chance to have a prenatal check-up at our barangay clinic here because the midwife was always absent everytime I go, and that was twice. I didn't bother to go again and waste my time again and again. What's most important is am taking my vitamins and taking care of myself.

Mode of family planning

My youngest was only 1 and a half year old when the pregnancy test kit proved my situation. I was not taking any family planning method neither was my husband. But we were practicing natural methods like calendar method and withdrawal. This had been our mode of family planning in terms of child bearing. Fortunately, my two elder kids turned 3 before they have a little sibling.. But this time, I planned to breastfeed my youngest and wean him when he turned two before I will take on pills. Grow my BCH earnings with a little traditional business and other plans. But now it was all put to rest.

Accepting the fact

Sometimes it make me feel frustrated and down spirited because I was not ready yet for another life to bear. It affected my daily performance that I keep yelling on my kids with their slightest mistake. Until I felt one day the little and short flutter on my tummy. Unintentionally, I had my hand over my belly. Mother's feeling overtook. There's nothing more to do than to love the little human growing.

It may be unplanned but never unwanted. Though at first it took me time to accept the reality but had to. The only thought that calmed me was the fact that I was blessed with a womb. Some of my batchmates who were truly successful on their careers and also were married but can't have a child after years of marriage. I was also praying for them and hoping one of these days, they will also be blessed with their own child.

I have fully accepted it that's why I was able to disclose it here. In fact, there's less number of people who knew it. My baby bump, just like my previous pregnancies was small that's why it was a little bit unnoticeable.

Today, I am exactly on my 25th week by ultrasound. Still on breech but hoping it will turn as the days go by.

Part of accepting it, I was preparing for the things I need on giving birth and the things for the baby. Now I was planning to have a sepate wallet on my bitcoin.com for these things. Most especially that hospitals were already requiring swab test even for birthing mothers. I don't see the need to but it was a new government requirement also. I also learned that those with Philhealth are automatically marked positive.. Hayy, kahirap na nga ng buhay, mas pinapahirap pa.

I only wished that swab test is not mandatory for women who are to give birth because thinking only of being locked down in a room for 14 days gives me anxiety attack. When at the comfort of our house after birthing, living freely at home with foods to help you gain back strength and being able to do things for yourself and the newborn is very much incomparable when at the hospital. There's limited source of food at the hospital, limited water to wash soiled nappies and baby clothes. Plus it will be a great burden because it was like being imprisoned with little access to the outside world..

5/5/21

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