The Cold Breeze of December

The mountain sides, plains, are ornamented with the beautiful and vibrant hues of green and golds. The golden color of the sunflower which begins to bloom on the first month of ber brings a feeling of euphoria. Of course you don't know the feeling when you aren't born and grew in a village like mine. We don't have much poinsettia in our place which indicates that Christmas is around the corner but wild sunflower does that grew in abundance everywhere.

You feel brrrrly cold just as September dawned. Along with it were the Christmas carols playing over in TV, radio as well as in social media and we play it in our cellphones. You can truly feel the vibes in the air.

The countdown of the twelve days of Christmas began when the twelfth day of December arrived.

However, whenever this occasion is approaching, my anxiety attacks and intensifies as the days rolled by to reach Christmas. The cold breeze seems to bite every inch of me. I feel like a lost soul in the midst of an unknown realm. I can't feel the spirit like it used to.

Since me and my husband came home from the city a decade ago and got married, there is no Christmas that we have spent time as a couple. Even until now that we already have four kids to whom we should be the model of the true meaning of Christmas.

I have a husband who spends most of his time with his acquaintances after work and enjoys their company with liquor. Being with them is much worth of his time than with me or his kids. So what's the difference during the yuletide season? Absolutely nothing! He catched up with his friends who come home for the holidays and barely no time for us. Thus, leaving me frustrated, angry and stressed. Because I don't like seeing and witnessing his deeds that most often I take my kids at my parents house or we spend the Christmas until New Year at my sister's house. All these years, we never spent the holidays together. I don't like my kids to envy the other kids who are with their parents especially with their father who most of the time is away for work. And we know that kids really love to be around them. But for kids to keep asking for their father's precence even if he is just around but is with his peers and friends is so heartbreaking for a mother. Of course it never was a bad idea to catch up with friends but with limitations because you have a family that needs your attention more.

Amongst other occasions, Christmas must be one of those that should leave a happy memory for a child to carry as he grows older. The spirit and its meaning should he feel and learn it and not just a day to spend for merry making.

Christmas here in our place is one of those happy occasions which lasts until the arrival of New Year. Families, relatives and friends make up with each other for the past they have not been with each other. Picnics and outings here and there. Carolings from house to house of different age groups. Foods over flow during this times that the less fortunate like us don't need to have a grand meal over the table for noche buena . We are practical enough not to spend on things we can't afford and be left empty handed after a day of spending. So whatever we have we share it with our neighbors.

When we were kids, our father used to work far away from our locality when there's no work available for him in our place. He always comes home for the holidays with apples and oranges for us and something for noche buena. There were six children in the family so I presume they can't buy us individual gifs but they buy us our needs specially school supplies. We don't pressure them to buy us new clothes or toys. They always told us that as long as there's food in the table and we have clothes to wear should we be grateful.

We enjoyed much on parlor games and the prizes that comes along with it. Our happiness was like no other when we received our gifts from the categories our parents joined us in. Exchanging gifts in school during Christmas parties and in church on Christmas eve is what kids before anticipated and get excited with. Even if it were only a bag or two of candies and curls but the joy of a child in receiving it is immense.

My mother always prepared macaroni salad, glutinous rice delicacies and my father have a chicken ready in the coop for a picnic on Christmas. Usually, when we kids went with our friends for a house to house caroling we go with whomever is calling for a picnic, and there are lots of them. So the chicken in the coop is saved but would surely be butchered for the following days.

Just like any kid who saw on movies snow, Santa with his magical sleigh full of gifts which he distributed to good kids and was pulled by deers, I wondered why there's no snow and Santa distributing gifts. It was only when I was growing up did I understand. However, it was every kid's dream who grew up in a two-season- county, I bet to be able to experience snow and play with it.

One more thing was, we, kids before also love Christmas tree so that we decorate a pine tree in school which was cut and put stand on a can and filled with big stones to keep it in place. One time, when I was around 9-10 year old, I asked my father to go cut a portion of pine as our Christmas tree but he just laughed it out and said it will just be crowding the house. So I cut a portion of a lemon tree, removed its leaves and made miniature decorations from shiny wrappers of food to be hanged loosely like those of a Christmas light. I also made small balls and recycled Christmas wrappers for small gift box and placed it under the tree. The Christmas tree I made is only a foot long or a bit longer. That's what I placed on top of our study table. My father did appreciate it very much when he saw my creation.

The yuletide season is like no other and is incomparable from other places no matter how simple our life back then was. When children back then grew up, got educated and employed themselves that the season became even more colorful and eventful. Community Christmas parties were held and sometimes those who are more fortunate sponsored the event.

My mind is still in a ray of disorderedness that my articles are a bit unorganized and incoherent. I even don't know how to end this one. Moreover, my other drafts are half done, some only have a sentence or two which I can't seem to continue and all I can do is stare at my cellphone with nothing in my mind to get it through.

My problems and my lack of sleep are the culprit. My 4 months old baby doesn't sleep until 12 midnight or until 1am. Sometimes he's so active and sometimes fussy. I tried to make a research on how to settle a fussy baby. I even tried giving him massage, started feeding him cereal because breastmilk is already not enough to compensate his tummy and growth needs, downloaded white noise and played it over to soothe him while I put off the light as I dance and rock him in my arms but nothing seem to work. Sometimes, I yell due to my frustrations because I don't have a hands-on husband to take over the baby even for a minute so that I can rest my overly tortured body. Neither does he sleeps much during the day so I don't know what's the problem. If he does sleeps well during the day then all the more he can't at night. I almost look like a red-eyed zombie with dark circles around the eyes. Tired body and mind.

Now, all I want for Christmas is for the cold breeze to become warmer because nothing makes my heart and soul warm, and; a good sleep at night to regain my vigor at least. Of course, a complete happy family.

12-16-21

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