I'm Slowly Understanding my Mother When I Became a Mother Myself

I was once a stubborn child. Sometimes I don't listen much to my mother which led her to spank me..

We loved to go to the river every chance we got. I used to sneak out of the house during weekends and during vacations. She doesn't like us going to the river which I don't understand. Everybody is enjoying the cool waters at the river while I was like confined inside the house. So when she sleeps with her babe during the day, I would tiptoe from our room and out of the house then ran to the waters.

One time, I dived into the water from the rock I was standing. I went to the bottom which really felt good. Me and the others usually do it and stay a little longer at the bottom then swam back to the river bank. However this time, I let myself be carried out by the current but I made sure that I would come out to the surface before I reach the dangerous part. On this part, there were lots of big stones and the river goes to a descending state, thus, the current was strong that would make small child to possibly drown.

I made a little act while I was letting myself be carried by the water. I didn't come out of the surface and was waving my hands in the air. Some have seen what I was doing and quickly came to rescue me. But before they were able to reach me, I stood up because it was a shallow part only that the current was swift.

They brought the news to my mother that I drowned and was rescued by older kids. But on that time I already went with one of my classmate at their house to play bahay-bahayan. Unbeknownst to me, my mother went to look for me to the river because of the lie they told her. Some kids who just came from the river saw me at my classmates house and told me my mother was looking for me and was furious. So those who had seen me rushed back to the river and told my mother I was at that classmate's house.

Unlike the typical old house in our village, my classmate's house was a modern one during those time- a semi-concrete house. So that the first floor was the kitchen, a spacious living room and two bedrooms. In one of the bedrooms, I hid under the bed of my classmate. My mother came and asked my playmates but they denied. Because my classmate's guardian weren't home that no adult to tell her I was there. My mother searched the house but couldn't find me because those balik-bayan box and bags were all around me which my playmates arranged under the bed where I hid.

I can't remember what happened afterwards, if I was beaten with a stick when I came home or not.

Later did I learn that one of our sibling's cause of death was drowning. He was a boy of five who went with other kids a year or two older than him to the river. They were not swimming but was sliding on a huge stone. However, on the other side of the stone was reached by the river water. They supposed that they wont go there if they slide thru. And theres only little water, but for small children it could reached their waist or higher.

In an instant, the young boy of five skidded accidentally and sunk to the water. He doesn't know how to swim and of all misfortunes he was swept away immediately to a deeper part wherein his playmates couldn't reach for him. They were shocked themselves and couldn't do any otherwise.

When I was growing older, there were things our teacher in school require us to pass like some art materials which we will be using or other stuffs or contributions maybe. I would tell my parents the moment I came home. And keep pestering them with it even if they told me that they will give it on the deadline.

Because life before was hard that my father had to go out of the village to look for work. My mother was just a plain housewife that maybe she doesn't have any extra money with her but for our daily necessities. That's why sometimes she can't give us what we're asking right away, perhaps. She had to borrow money. I got scolded if I kept asking her or my father if he's around even after they assured me that they will give me when they have but it won't be after the deadline of submission.

From that moment I was scolded, I got the initiative to not tell them until the deadline which made them scold me even more. How could they be able to produce when it was already the deadline.

Because we're many, half dozen siblings there is that our mother bought us clothes one at a time. But I've notice there's some favoritism because she kept buying for my siblings while I just had to use outgrown clothes of my older sister especially when I was in secondary level. Of course, I understood that but seeing them received payments of big projects from biddings my father had joined for school and hospital furnishings I also demanded them to buy me new things. Because they gave my male siblings some share for helping them. Didn't I helped also? I sometimes asked but they would answer me with, "as long as you still have clothes to wear and things to use." Yay, that's losing self esteem because you're shy to interact with others because of your outfit. And being a teen, a feeling of rebellion built up. A sense of uselessness and low confidence over took.

So that when I had my first born we pampered him because I told myself that my kids won't go through the same feat as I did. He was a very sickly baby that made the hospital his second home. His immunity overcame it while he was nearing his seventh birthday. But one thing I've noticed was his stubbornness. He would obey us one minute then the next was the opposite.

Now that I have three kids, he was always the one that comes to my mind everytime I leave them alone for some errands. I feel anxious everytime he would leave to play without saying a word especially when I am thinking he is out there in the river.

There were times also that I feel the same with my daughter especially that she's a girl. The feeling of being over-protective. That if possible, she won't go out of the house because we don't know about other people's mind- those dark minded individuals.

Truly, I am now understanding how my mother felt when we were younger. Anxiety by a parent is not a joke. Many what if's are coming through our minds but we also need to assure ourselves that it is how kids grow, learn and explore the world. Because if we keep them in a cage, they will not know how to deal with the world and expand their wings to fly.

There were times that we're lacking financially that sometimes I raised my voice when my kids annoy me with their repeated favor asking. One is asking for some sweets while the other is asking for bread or anything that they're craving and you have to tell them repeatedly that we'll have to wait for their father's wage to be given. They said they had seen that I have some money on my pouch and I have to tell them that's for the electric bill, for LPG refill, for their milk and vitamins and other daily necessities especially for meals. But they won't just stop.

Closing Thoughts

Well, it's not bad to give in to their whines sometimes but we really need to be firm also so that they will learn to understand that not everything they asked could be attained instantly. They will be able to learn patience, and things aren't just picked along the way but one needs to work for it.

There are lots of occurences that's happening in our everyday life which I can relate to when we were younger. The fear and anxiety is always there. My kids are still little, for sure there's more to come when they will turn teenagers and reach adulthood.

Now, I understood my mother because I am also a mother myself but I'll make sure they won't go through with what I have been through

05-13-21

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