I Am Not Free but Caged

I don't know how to start with this. After reading three articles regarding freedom, I suddenly don't know how to define it. I was even mentioned by a lady called Jane, a lady with outstanding beauty within and an outbursting gorgeous, strong facial features. Complete package, one can tell. But with her article wherein she spilled the beans of her past, a very unpleasant one that you can't tell a lady like her had been tormented by memories she wanted to bury in oblivion. Yet she managed to divert that positively and been writing articles of inspiration which is very hard to do so when you're one who had come from that kind of child abuse.

Another one is from Yen, who, despite of her bad past, a wordly woman found her freedom thru the help of her husband. She was able to free herself from her past by finding peace in Christ still with the help and loving support of her husband.

Jullyann on the other hand, is blessed with parents who let her see the world beautifully. Thus, grew up without suffering any emotional and psychological distress.

Happy childhood

We were like birds hopping from branch to branch chirping and singing sweet melodies. We played gleefully at the hills and roll ourselves down. Yeah, no restrictions as I have mentioned in one of my articles. However, as I am growing up I have noticed that I don't want to be with people anymore. I might as well stay indoors and read books. I have no confidence to talk and speak my mind. I was like a snail that would curl and withrew to its shell in the face of danger.

Iron fisted father on teenage

As I was typing this, I was trying to bring back memories that could have contributed to my character. We were raised not to answer back our parents and defend ourselves, or was it me only?

During my highschool days, I eventually became outgoing though I was bullied. I wanted to join sports and other extracurricular activities. I even wanted to join the Tai Chi club, the volleyball team because I was good in playing it during elementary. I wanted to join campings and explore more of my skills. But my father was a tyrant. Dismissal is dismissal, we were not allowed to go home 15 minutes late. I even cried to my mother why are we not given freedom. Our father was a very hardworking man, and very strict in time. For him every minute counts and should not be wasted. A minute late and we hear words that we went for lakwatsa, that he saw us playing with boys which weren't all true. Everyone of us should work in the shop because he said we were already big enough to help. Yes, they were earning big sum of money with their business. But gives us less than 20php for our "baon" because they said our eldest sister who was already in college needs money more than we do. The good thing was I gained confidence behind those bullying and grades were doing good.

Second year highscool, I became rebellious. I skipped class, took 100pesos from my dad's pocket everytime I got the chance. I absent and go with bad peers who smoked and drink Gilbeys gin with extra joss. And my grades declined. My reason when my mom asked, I was not able to join extracurriculars. I think this was the time I became suicidal because I could feel the very hard gripped of my father by my neck that I couldn't move, couldn't even breath. It means no freedom at all. But then I realized that my grades couldn't make it if I will continue with what I was doing, and I don't want to be left behind. So my peers and I stopped skipping classes. Being suicidal, I always make fun of my other classmates I could pinch in. I can be a clown and laugh hard at the slightest of jokes. But when class is over, anxiety is taking over as I walk the 2 minute walk outside school campus to our shop.

Third year, I didn't want to enter school and I insisted on going to the school at our village not in town. I wanted independence badly. They allowed me after unacceptable words from my father. There I came to know about this boy who showed interest in me, older than me by three years but our classmate. We hang out together with our classmates and he even was sleeping at our house because I was all alone. But hey, I was not that stupid. We co-slept and nothing more. I was doing fine in school but one night this stupid guy brought over an alcohol and he was drinking, I was doing our homeworks when all of a sudden my parents were knocking at the door. Because, I was terrified I let him jumped over the window before I opened the door. I was met by a blow in my face.. There and then my reputation was ruined or should I say ours.? I bravely faced my father and told him we weren't doing anything wrong. They can have me checked by a physician. It's them who ruined me all the more. They transferred me back at the school in time where my wants to end my life was more tempting. The school and my classmates learned what happened and they look at me with disgust.

A momster

Because I was being mocked behind my back and my father's words were too degrading that I was able to find peace at the Reserve Corp in college. My mother on the other hand kept advising me and uplifting me because same in highschool, there was a tight grip in my neck. I even told them that I could bring them in school and watched my every move or I rather stop school because I was fed up.

Then I gave up, though I don't feel the butterflies fluttering in my stomach anymore when I see the guy who's interested in me. Nor do I feel my heart skipped when I recognized him I still gave my all, everything nothing left because I thought I am getting attention from someone. I was ruled by my emotions and refused the dictate of my mind. Until such time I missed my period and it was during our community immersion that we needed to undergo pregnancy test. My world turned upside down. I no longer attended class for two weeks and accumulated money from sideline job which my parents thought I was going to school. I used it to run away from home to the city where the guy was. (We lived-in, and I refused to see accept the red flags. All I was thinking was there'll come a tim3 for him to change, but I was wrong.)

It turned out it's not a fetus I was carrying but a hydatidiform-mole.

Years passed and I had my eldest. I pampered him and showered him all the love. But as he was growing up, and started grade school I noticed I was like my father. I am strict to the point I spanked and whipped him. I wanted him to obey simple rules, just like come home from play when its already getting dark, don't stay too long under the sun or in the river, and to come home during lunch. The condition got worst during the pandemic which required them to have modules that he grew tired of it and don't come home and sleep with his cousins.

One more thing that adds to my very bad treatment towards my kids was the lack of compassion from my husband. He also lacks ambition that he doesn't mind if our house wiggled with every step or move one makes. It was too tiny that its not enough for a growing family. He spent more on his bad vices rather than saving it and buy materials for house renovations. To think that he is earning 600-700, sometimes 800php per day and we can't pay our bills on due, no savings account and most of the time no delish foods on the table. Not only money but time, he spent most of his time with his peers and comes home not earlier than 10pm to 2:00 am and expects no armalite-like mouth. He wanted to leave him be. I was stressed every day that leads me to keep yelling at my kids. The worst I don't like about myself was I regret it afterwards and would end up crying after hurting my kids. I am not justifying my acts because my husband's treatment was the triggering agent.

This was not the life I wanted. No matter how strict my parents were and seems to strangle us, they raised us with an optimistic view of thing, to be productive in every way we can. But now, I was full of negativities. I am not free. I am caged in my own self, full of insecurities. I don't know how to express it but I feel that I can't fly because everytime I try to expand my wings I only feel hurt. Because I was told by my husband that we weren't rich so stop being illusional. I told him I'm being realistic and rational. No change is coming if you don't change your ways and start from baby steps. Maybe he was also raised to just see the day ends without any progress or do anything to change his life status. It was enough for him that we eat 3 times a day, no more no less.

I don't even want to bear any more children because I don't want another child to suffer the kind of life this family has.

I can only be free if I am able to let go and change my whole being into a new me. I am trying hard as I might to be a new version of me. For now, I was struggling to fight my own self from being the abusive me everytime a trigerring agent is present because I don't want my kids to grow into bad citizens.

I was just too thankful because I found this platform where we are not only merely earning. I am learning from articles that made me open up my eyes and see the beauty in adversity. To be myself and be inspired though I was not able to inspire others because most of my articles were all rants of my personal life. And am not proud of it. I am processing things that will make me grow. Actually I have a draft that goes, "readcash, the gateway to let go of my old self". But, then the article about freedom came and I just put it all together.

P.s

My father was a selfless granddad to his grandchildren. He gives everything he could most especially to my eldest who was always admitted at the hospital. He does to my children what my husband can't. He always have my kids with him wherever he goes whenever we go in town where they are residing. Before the pandemic, my eldest would cry if he sneaks out of the house and the child heard his car leaving.

I can say I am healing from my teenage years but me today is something I need to conquer.

Wrote this on the 29th of May. Up until this time I am reluctant to post it. But then I think it is another step of letting go of the the past and conquering the present.

06-03-21

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