Have you ever walked into a party with glitter disco boots when it's a cowboy fancy dress? Does your blog post wear thigh high PVC boots or your Dad's old shoes? Do you sling your arm around your reader and coo sweet nothings into their ears until they hit the upvote button and throw cash your way or do you assume they're going to bear with you through the tedium of your first words?

One of the most painful things I find as a content consumer are first lines that make me wanna poke my eyeballs out with kebab sticks.

Here's a few that totally suck:

• 'I didn't know what to write today, so I thought that...'

• 'I'm not an expert on this subject, but...'

• The dictionary definition of 'nuclear war' is...

• 'Narcissism' as defined by the dictionary is..

• Today I woke up and ate breakfast. Then I...

• 'I haven't written for a while so I thought I'd write about...'

I see these all the time on read.cash and other crypto based socials.

I get it. Not everybody can write. Some of you have finger pads made of steel from typing your proverbial ass off and have enough followers to earn a decent wage from this game. I don't, yet, on Read.Cash. I'm not entirely sure I have the energy for it. So far, I'm totally struggling on finding posts I want to read, because they ain't grabbing me by the vagina and shouting: 'Read me! I have some cool/funny/fascinating shit to say, y'all!'

Maybe I bore easily. Maybe I'm a fussy cow who likes her grass flavoured with truffles and sunshine instead of more cow shit. Maybe I'm in my glass greenhouse just asking people to throw a huge rock at me, because my glasshouse ain't the prettiest either (but hey, I'm trying!).

But if you're trying to entice people to your post, you want to at least consider a few tricks that make your post pop. Have some pride in your house, my friends. Shine those windows and put your shoes in a row.

• Start with the fun stuff first. Or if it's not fun, make it sad, or tragic, or poignant, or horrifying. If you're writing a post about being bullied, start with the worst moment, then double back and tell us how you got there. If you're writing a post about travelling to a local beach, start by telling me about the best part about it, so I want to know how you got there and what else is on offer. We like starting with action. It's more exciting. It wants us want to keep reading.

• Start with a series of questions that get the reader thinking. I tried that one on this post (along with a splash of metaphor for colour). I was trying to invite you in.

• Start with a joke. Humour is a lovely way to connect to your audience.

• Start with the worse case scenario. If you're talking about climate change, talk about the recent floods in Germany. If you're talking about finding a safe space for your crypto keys, talk about the time where you lost all your money.

• Start with a personal story. Whether you're writing a post about making a turmeric and banana smoothie or post natal depression, a personal anecdote helps connect your reader to what you're saying. A splash of the intimate makes us feel as if your story is our story, and worth caring about.

Let's be thoughtful about the content we put out in the social crypto-sphere. It might die young, goddess forbid, but let's hope it leaves a good looking corpse.

What's your favourite writing tip? What 'hooks' you into reading a post?