Raising

Your mother did a better job than mine. I have no idea what the level of affection is or in which way it should be shown. It all depends on the child. My children are no huggers, one not even as a baby (it started once older) but I am sure they do not feel unwanted, unloved and that's what counts most. I am sure you will find a way to raise which fits you and your child. No child is the same. All of mine are introverted, creative, intelligent, they live on their own island but we share and are close and talk a lot. No dark secrets, pretending, keeping up appearances. 💕🍀

Wow, I like how you raise your children. Hmm can I have questions? Do you hit your children when you are mad at them at some point? I just want to have some advice because I was battered by my mom before, and now that I had my own child I am struggling to control not to hit her.. Is it okay to hit the child? But not to the point I beat her.

I have been beaten up 24/7 by my parents and the worst thing as a child (what I did not understand) was all those times I didn't know why. I am not the kind of mother who will talk and warn endlessly and my children know. If I am mad, really mad, they know it too. I for sure did hit them. Not the "over the knee and spanking" but enough is enough. Like we say: "Those who won't listen to need to feel it". With some children, you can talk others need to see/feel the results. It all depends on their age as well. Being ignored, send to the room or hallway to cool down can be a great punishment too. By now my children are too old to hit but if they are moody I tell them to leave or leave myself. If they command me around or are not polite I tell them too. They rarely make me mad and know if I am angry it's better to stay out of my way (outsiders as well). From about the age of 7-8 years old, I must say I rarely have problems with my children and they have a lot of freedom. They can handle it and don't do stupid things, do not sneak out, steal or lie nor hide their feelings. About 2-3 years old I found the trying out boundaries, being stubborn, the always refusing and not eating the hardest period but it was also the period they still did a nap in the morning, afternoon and at 7 pm it was bedtime.

I am not against hitting a child but if you do it for no reason, can't control yourself it's different. I once saw a teacher pull a kid at its ear, holding it at its ear while it misbehaved. It was fine with me. It would not if the teacher would beat it up with a stick or beat it on stretched out fingers/hands like in the old days. Raising is my task, not a stranger's one. If that stranger gas problem with my child it should come to me. Unless my child is impolite or beats up someone without a reason. If that is the case I am fine with it if someone corrects my child.

Unfortunately, I noticed teachers prefer to stay blind for what bullies do and always tell the victim to apologize, to forgive, ignore, or go play somewhere else. This is one thing I do not tolerate (from the teacher).

What I always do is ask, listen to my child. My children are not the ones making something up and I allow them now to defend themselves. If others hit them they can warn and if that doesn't help fight them.

If it comes to your child I assume you know it best. I am not blind to how my children are and neither are you. To children, it's important to know what is acceptable, what is dangerous, what is not done. There's no need to always explain why. It's no because you say so. These lessons are important because once an adult they have to listen to an employer too or a doctor or police officer, etc. If you invest in raising now you will have the benefit of it later and if not you the society. There are no perfect parents and there's no need to be perfect. You can only do your best and if it worlds out well you will have a child with self-esteem, not always fighting everything, being satisfied, and happy with you.

💕🍀

This really made me understand and realized things better, thank you for your advice now I know that I did not wrong in spanking my child when she was naughty. I did not hit her for no reason, it was very absurd like how my mom beats me back then. It's just that, I am with my in-laws and they don't hit kids especially my mother in law she was a spoiler and I hate it so much, there were times she told me not to spank my daughter, I thought I was a very bad mom but I just wanted my daughter not to be spoiled and do not tantrums in public when she cannot get what she wants just like her cousins. But I tell her, that this is my child I have the right to discipline her, from that day on, I never heard her again saying something when I raised my voice or spank my child because they saw that my child only listens to me. They spoiled her, and now my daughter does not listen to them. I just simply don't like how they raised their children, very dependent and spoiled brats, don't know how life works without parents.

You are the parent and set the rules. I do not see any reason why you can not raise your voice if asking, warning first does not work.

My children are not spoiled, know they can not have everything. In some way, they might be spoiled but they are always are grateful for what they have and say "thank you". They never were those kinds of children screaming in shops, demanding expensive things, candies, or whatever. By now they know you need to work first and save if you want to buy something. Perhaps it even makes them happier with it because they bought it themselves.

I can not stand spoiled children either. Once my grandmother said if she took my cousins out they were so spoiled and always demanded what was most expensive. Same for food, pie...they took the most expensive dish even if they didn't like it and not finished it. She hated their behavior even said my children were the best-raised ones she ever met. It meant a lot to me she said that.

If it comes to raising you will always meet people who do not agree with you. You are too soft, too blind, too firm, etc. I always ignored it. The end result counts and no one likes a spoiled, mean or violent kid. If your kid grows up into a criminal it's mother's fault again.

💕🍀

Exactly, people always say something weather we do good parenting or bad. The way you describe how you raised your children will be my lead, actually, that is how I want to raise my children to be responsible and resilient in the future. My inlaw, does not want me to raise my voice with an angry tone, she believes my daughter will have heart problems, if she cried so funny 😂, Crying is normal and healthy not unless she cries all the time. The belief of Elder people are really absurd sometimes.

Crying for children is no problem. If your child has heart disease it will be shown in different ways and it will always be tiring.

Children can cry and scream endlessly. The interesting thing is the first year they can not get a hoarse voice or even lose it if they cry or talk a lot.

Do what feels right to you. Some people do have strange ideas, not only elderly people. If raising was that easy and there was one perfect, easy guideline how to do it not so many screwed up, nasty people and bullies would be in this world. Adults who never been raised and still no one dares to correct. 💕

I agree the children today are totally different. Indeed I do see parents who are proud of these violent monsters but the largest amount simply doesn't raise their children. They have no contact. The children are raised by television, children outside on the streets. I hear a bit too frequently parents of an abusive child, a molester even killer say "it's such a sweet child".

Omg, this is really my dilemma now. Just like you my mom beats me when I was a kid for some mistakes or even if it's not my mistake. Now that I have my child I am having hard to in controlling myself not to hit her..😔 I feel bad after if she's too naughty, but not to the point I beat her, just that I can't stop myself not to hit here if I am mad..I always felt like I am a bad mom after doing so.😔😪

Is it possible for you if she is very naughty to say: "I only warn once" or "I count till ten and if you do not stop". You can leave the room and go elsewhere and count till 100 or in a punchbag or scream at the top of your lungs. Next, you come back, ignore the naughty one and see what happens. You might find other ways to punish. Taking away the toy, no television, ice cream, etc..

Raising can be very difficult.

In your case a part of what you did is postpartum and you do certain things because no one gave you a good example. It's more a habit and it takes time to be aware of what you do, find a way to control yourself, and direct yourself in a different direction. This means it asks a lot of energy from you because you always need to be alert. What plays a big role too is hormones (specialists say it takes about one year after giving birth to be completely recovered), all that is new and not each child is the same, can be raised in the same way.

I agree with you, you can only do your best and I hope you and the firstborn will both bond in some way and are close. 💕

I think the only person who can say you are a good parent is your child once it is an adult. They see the world in a different way, the things into perspective and if you are still in touch or close, a team, I think you did a good job. 💕

To me "God-fearing" is one of the worst things that can happen. There should be no fear for a God who stands for love. Norms and values, being yourself, good for yourself and others have nothing to do with religion but how you see the world. My children went to different Christians schools but I doubt there was as much influence as during my childhood. I want my children to be free, make their own choice, and not force a belief upon their throat. Believe, faith in God is worth nothing if you grew up with it, it was forced upon you, even beaten into you. That's what happened to me. Religion is something private and you believe full-hearted and live by all the rules or not. For me "not" works better.