@wakeupkitty 25 July 2021 more from that month

What happened

**Trust** It's only a few days ago I had a chat about trust or actually relationships. It annoys me that I am not allowed to be me, to choose what is best for me, have an own opinion about what is good for me, my life. The chat I had (a phone call) was with an acquaintance, someone I met not that long ago. It's good to talk to a person once in a while and indeed it can feel good to meet someone new but for some reason, it's hard to be or remain friends. I no longer expect to make friends which improved my life. Another fact is I hardly meet people these days and I do know how to enjoy myself. *"Don't you find it hard to live out there all alone,"* I was asked? I said I am not. The hardest part is a broken car, no electricity, no water, not living far away from other people. My days are filled, too short. I have hardly time for myself, time to watch a film or television. More time I had when I gave up on the daily newspaper, stopped calling friends and relatives on Fridays and gave up on relationships that brought me nothing except for stress and more issues than I ever had. To be honest, after all these years I still do not see the benefit of relationships. No matter how hard and long I tried the only conclusion I made is that others have benefited from me. They always did. I solve their problems, I take care of their timber, I do their shoppings, watch their house, garden and animals when they leave and if they call, text or email I answer right away. I figure it out answer and next... I hear nothing in return. So there's no benefit for me, it doesn't bring me positive energy which means this isn't good for me. What is good, the best for me is living my life alone. Far away from people because I learned people are not doing me any good. Perhaps it works for others but it doesn't work for me. `Each time I work in the garden, do something automatically I start thinking and if I start thinking I get angry. I am angry at all those people who abused me, angry at me who always fell for it and never feels pity for me! I am angry because the list of those who harmed me and my children only gets longer and longer although I cut off most contacts I have by now and my social life is basically with my children.` `If you believe gardening is relaxing I can tell you it's not. Not if there's room for thoughts, not if you have a life of misery behind you. Of course, I still go on and make the best out of it but this doesn't mean it never happened. It doesn't mean I forgot.` *"I think you like to have a good relationship*," the acquaintance said ignoring what I said, *"you are a sweet girl and I love your voice".* How anyone I hardly know, who doesn't know me can say this beats me but what I do know is that this isn't about me. This is about someone else who doesn't like to be alone, who wants me to be the companion to travel around and waiting for whatever that may be but I can tell you this isn't me. I am not desperately waiting for someone to keep me busy, saying something nice to me. I am that person who doesn't trust people that easily anymore no matter how funny, cute, helpful or sweet I can be. Those rare moments I share with others spontaneously are rare and for me, they are good enough. I talked to a man on the market about his dogs and had a chat with a couple on the market today which was good enough for me. Good enough for the next weeks or months. `"You are the first who visits me this year," I said, "can be even the only one who did during the past three years."` My answer was a reason to be surprised but not to be silent and to understand my needs aren't the same. **I like to be alone**. I don't need to hold someone's hand or to cook for someone. I like to sit and sleep alone not to be touched and I need time to wake up alone in my rhythm. It gives me stress if people talk to me pull at and push me if I am tired or don't feel well which happens frequently. More frequently than anyone can imagine. I don't want to say or explain why I can't do what others do, can't eat what others eat, why I don't like to be surrounded by smokers and drinkers and can't open my eyes when I wake up. Why I can't walk and am always in pain and don't like to share the bathroom and clean up others their mess and wash their clothes. **I don't like hours of discussions** about topics I already know it's not worth discussing because people are different, they see the world differently and because of how we were raised we all are unable to try something new and see it from a different angle. If the minds are made up it's not worth discussing anyway unless you are great at misleading people and abusing their trust in them. I am not a fool and I know how scammers work which isn't different from commercials and those we know. It's all about manipulation, a threat that means abuse of feelings and trust. You could say trust is a big part of misinformation but that's not how I see it. If you trust someone this trust is frequently based on what you want not on reality or experience. We love to believe our family, partner, children and best friends can be trusted but in reality, this isn't true and the opposite. I wish it was like back in the old days, I was back in my old days. Those days I could talk to people, have acquaintances or friends without the 'you need to have someone and live together part'. I wish people took me seriously and didn't force themselves upon me. Tho me it's good I to meet and greet. To be friendly and go out without people thinking I am lonely and in high need of a relationship with them. I worked hard, had my life, did my share and accepted more than normal and I don't want to be part of a society where I am forced to be close, have a partner and need to care. I am not great at pleasuring people, I don't like to take look after others any longer and no I don't feel flattered if someone wants a relationship with me and/or sex. While I was pulling weeds I thought of my granny who said: *My life is good this way. I have more money than at the time your grandfather was alive. Why should I take care of an old sick man who spends my money?* By the way, my grandmother was seriously ill and I understand what she means. It is a burden to live with someone and be that shiny star in someone's life. It's a burden if you always need to lift someone else. It sucks all your energy out of you and with a sick body there isn't already that much energy left. So please, if you can not take care of yourself don't expect others to do so for you. I like to keep my life simple and as easy as possible for me not for someone else. I lack the energy and the positive spirit to do so. Being a woman doesn't mean I need attention so badly or I feel 100% better if I care for someone else. It's exhausting and it doesn't fulfil me at all. So... If you try to talk someone into a relationship better ask yourself first what that person really wants and try to listen for a change. Think twice about your reasons and what you have to offer because I am not the only one who doesn't need that kind of love so badly.

#kittywu #trust #relationship #freewrite