She taught me a lesson **Cars** I never liked cars. Cars make me feel sick and they do not smell nice. Dogs make the car feel smell worse too. If I sit at the back the dogs sit behind me. Why do dogs always smell out of their mouth? Monty does and Soot too although Soot likes driving around. My mother takes him with her once in a while if she visits clients. He stays in the car and watches. He is big and black and barks at strangers. Perhaps he makes her feel safe? He likes…
How can you be blackmailed? Dirty tricks I call them. Those who listen know what I mean. It was announced, all said in between the lines from October 2018 on. We heard it, didn't listen, ignored the facts. Life was good the way it was. We felt sure enough, strong enough, and counted on a life in luxury once when we would be older. We did what our parents and grandparents did, what we thought society and the government wanted from us. Childlabour was forbidden so we visited…
Give the people alcohol Alcohol and drunkards do make a great match. If you ever dealt with alcoholism, lived with a boozer you know it's a struggle a real battle to make them stop. Most likely they will never give up on the liquid that should make them forgot, feel better. At first, it might work for a few hours but those hours change into one hour, 20 minutes, 5 minutes soon. An alcoholic gets used to his intake and needs more, and more, and more alcoholic drinks with a…
Not in the mood That's how I feel. My mother would say I am never in the mood, always look grumpy, ugly, am lazy and have a crinkle in my head. She means my brains are sick. I saw photos of brains and brains look crinkled to me like worms, not different from walnuts or intestines were thrown back into your body after the doctor cut you open, had a look at it and decided to throw it back. It's what they did with granny. My granny, dad's mom. She didn't feel well and they…
We all need a panic room *Today is a day that didn't start too well but a few hours later there was some positive news because initiative was taken from our side. After twice a 'no' for different reasons, it was 'yes' today.* **Not giving up on what you need or want** is worth fighting for. Being rejected once or even twice doesn't mean you are a complete loser. It doesn't mean you will never make a chance. It does mean you need a plan B or C or even a plan E and F. Take a…
Peter been shot It happened in Amsterdam. Plenty of eyewitnesses and they even made videos. Those videos were on YouTube and the government (YouTube doesn't do it but the ministry does) removed them quickly. He isn't the first one with a voice, heard by the people who's been shot. For several years I followed this ex-police officer who started for himself. He felt unsatisfied with how the police work. I should say: did not work. They rarely care about finding, catching…
I am different **It's warm outside** but the sun doesn't shine. My face hurts. I looked between the orange curtains of my bedroom window. It's not dark but not light either, still no rain. At 6 a.m. I have to get dressed and get to work. All kinds of house chores are waiting for me while my mother is still in bed. I am used to her staying in bed. At times she sleeps in daytime too. I wonder how she can sleep if the housekeeper is in the house, the phone can ring any minute…
Robbed **I was robbed six days ago** and it isn't the first time. Besides the fact of me being robbed, which isn't the first time, I lost money too. One of the first memories of losing money was the wallet with 100 guldens for shoppings, at least 100 guldens. I was bicycling as I discovered it, touched my pocket. I still remember the place, the street, the direction I went to. No need to say how I panicked and searched for it. Of course, I didn't find it. Of course, it…
I'm tired of being me And... if I am tired of being me I'm tired of life and being a mother too. Perhaps I should never have been a mother but I was raised with the idea getting married and having children is a normal thing to do. I wish it is that easy as they said. So easy and boring like those mothers waiting and chatting at school say. Their only chats are about what to cook today and how to kill the day. The killing part is easy: watching tv while laying on the sofa,…
Enjoy the justice "Life is short, enjoy yourself it doesn't need to be anything big", my pen-pal wrote after I asked him if there was any news about his trial. Well, you know how it is people come and go. It's part of life. Your own life is a cycle. At least mine is...I meet, greet, think at times friendship lasts forever but in most cases, I end up alone. Alone again. It's a good reason to take care of myself, be my own best friend and enjoy as long as I can. I agree…
You can't trust her **I went to school**... again but we didn't do much. It's more like killing time because the school has to be open and the teachers... They want to finish everything before the holidays start. I received my report today. I have to give it to my parents and can show it to my grandpartents. Grandparents can reward you with some money but parents never do. After the holidays I have to return it. The teacher asked who will take care of the plants. You can…
A tough woman **I am not used to it,** spending time with others I mean and it is what I do lately. It can be motivating but today it is not. I like to be with me and do what feels good for me. The motivating part by the way is that a friend, the huntsman, said my place is a good one to live, there are so many birds and there's plenty of wildlife. Seeing nature through the eyes of someone else does motivate though. **He told me about a video he watched** about an elderly…
Politics is a soap **Politics**... It gives most of us a dirty taste in our mouths. Politics...what is it exactly? If you ask around you won't find many who can tell you enthusiastically what it contains. Politics... It's not that different from the soap entire nations watch daily year after year. They watch it, know how it will end and their only role is to watch it from the sideline. No one asks for their opinion, advice and of course, comment or some critique is allowed…
Dare to speak the truth **Days pass by and worldwide it's the same.** Promises and after the promises are given people buy it, go for the jab because of that promise and next we all are back where we started, even worse. They, the government changes the rules. Not only once but every time. *"Here the people are confused"*, my friend says, *"not scared but confused"*. First, we did it to save the elderly, today it's done because of? Not to save anyone, not to keep yourself…
Planetary tyranny If I need a break I watch a film or series. Not on television because I do not watch it although I still have one. At the moment the first video player and recorder was introduced I bought one. It was a VHS Blaupunkt and expensive. Over 1800 gulden but worth the investment. Together with the player and recorder, the 'videotheeks' arrived. For a small amount you could watch a film and at that time videos were copied too. The only thing you needed was tape…
He pulled their wings out Is everything called salad? I learned salad is green, green leaves. It grows on the field. During summer we always eat salad. Salat with or without sand, snakes, worms. It has to be washed many times and it isn't always soft. We eat it with a dressing, tomatoes, egg, onions and cucumber. I like it although the tomato itches. My mother has a small red weird knife. Tupperware is written on it and it's meant to slice the tomatoes with. It's a bad…
What happened **Trust** It's only a few days ago I had a chat about trust or actually relationships. It annoys me that I am not allowed to be me, to choose what is best for me, have an own opinion about what is good for me, my life. The chat I had (a phone call) was with an acquaintance, someone I met not that long ago. It's good to talk to a person once in a while and indeed it can feel good to meet someone new but for some reason, it's hard to be or remain friends. I no…
Pets & healthcare *We have different ways of keeping animals. You can keep them inside or outside. Pets are with our animals who are domesticated and kept by people. Although dogs and cats are the first animals we think about if we hear the word "pet" they are not the only ones.* *Dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, genuine pigs, hamsters, rats, ferrets, skunks, snakes, fishes, spiders, raccoons, mice, pigs and even snails are kept inside. Next to these pets with us, chickens, cows,…
It's all about lives I never live *From one moment to the next the good mood is gone. Frequently it is because of what people say or do or not say or do but it's not always the case. Watching television or reading a book can make me feel sad too. I wish I could feel different, be happier but I am not. Not even if my mother isn't home or I am not bullied I feel as if something is eating me. Something deep inside.* I think about Faust and the other operas I saw but it doesn't…
Pictures of... Leaves **The wind...** If it blows I have the feeling I need to leave. I have always had that. If you are not a traveller like me you might not feel what I feel. Perhaps it is restless me or my childhood or the lack of the home sweet home feeling so many seem to have. Can be I will never feel at home anywhere because home should be somewhere inside of me or... I've never been really home anywhere? It's not that I am always on the run or never satisfied. The…
OMG what have I done **Life is rarely a fairytale** I read. **In reality, it never ends great.** If it comes to fairy tales, the real old fairy tales life is a fairy tale. Those real fairy tales do not have a happy end. It's not about true love, living happily ever after. There's no prince on a white horse snapping away an 8-year-old who choked in an apple and true love isn't recognized therefore doesn't exist. The little mermaid knows all about it. She sacrificed herself…
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