I'm tired of being me

And... if I am tired of being me I'm tired of life and being a mother too. Perhaps I should never have been a mother but I was raised with the idea getting married and having children is a normal thing to do. I wish it is that easy as they said. So easy and boring like those mothers waiting and chatting at school say. Their only chats are about what to cook today and how to kill the day. The killing part is easy: watching tv while laying on the sofa, walking up and down to school talking about nothing or gossiping about others and... complaining.
Gossiping and complaining are good for the mood. Once back home they feel refreshed. They let go of the negative energy and without children, it's always me-time.
There's no need to get dressed, do house chores or iron the laundry. Who needs anything can pull it out of one of those heaps on the floor.
A piece of cake is food too, so is pizza or a bag of potato chips. There's no need to cook, it's too hot. Once the husband is home he can bring along some meat and it's bbq time. At least if he's in the mood. Men like making a fire, they love to play with the bbq and there's still some beer in the fridge. True the soccer team didn't win, Peter R. de Vries been shot and the government sold our children out but that's no reason not to celebrate. It's summer, you only live once and the borders are closed. One Europe, one big nation is a hoax if not a joke and it's good we keep distance.

If it comes to social distance the government gave us, finally, a reason to no longer shake hands, greet, meet, stand close to all those people not liked. Finally! No one will say you fear people, are anti-social. Parents and teachers teach children to avoid those who are different. It's better not to talk to strangers. The world is overcrowded if it comes to paedophiles, rapists, confused men and terrorists. All those moms know it because they watch television 24/7 and it's their job to raise their children into model citizens. People who will follow the rules, stop thinking and simply do as told. That's why they hardly learn anything and it's no longer a problem to be a dropout. Dropouts are the ones with brains, those who rule the world. All you need is money and money automatically flows straight into your pocket if you have the power. J.R. (Dallas) proved it and all those American guys with their big mouths made it too.

Power comes with fear and spreading fear is so easy today. The moms...those waiting in front of the school for their kids, know all about it. I watch them from a distance and am glad I am no part of their clique. A gang of dumb, bored gossipers not willing to observe or learn anything. They smoke, eat and chat so loud that I can hear each word of their conversation

While I wait for my children I watch other children leave school. It's clear who's children they are. It's clear too whose parents don't care and let their children go home alone. The sick moms, the couch potatoes, the really busy moms who can not afford a nanny.
A father showing up at school is rare. Mothers do even if they have to work. They feel responsible even if it's too much. They hang in, rush over, drag their child along with them impatiently because there's so much more to do. After a day of work they need to cook and clean, listen to stories, hurts told by children and partners inbetween dog and cat need attention too. I feel for those moms because I am one of them. One of those women raised in the old fashioned way and doesn't want to give up on her own dreams, wishes, hopes but became a victim of her time. My children were raised to do as much as possible but still, I have a lack of time. They do not bother me or rule my life but still, I don't feel free. They gave me a hand and are polite but still, I am not satisfied and feel I never did what I liked to do most.

I'm not a party animal, never went to a festival. I was always old, always a mother to someone and although my home is clean in the evening it's dirty when I wake up. My life is a cycle created by those who raised me, raised me with fear. Not the fear forgot or the devil but law, government, society and CPS. What should be a social caring state turns out to be a dictatorship. As a child I never noticed it but today I do. I know my children notice what I never saw. They are raised in a different time and what was normal to me is no longer to them. It's hard to protect children against the threats waiting for them. I want to prepare them for those dark days. If you count with it, are ready for it it's easier to handle. Easier to live with especially if you know better if you lose all those things you once did.
Things we all took for granted, children take for granted and you can hardly blame them for it. I don't want my children to feel as tired as I feel today, these days. So I make the best out of it. We exchange our day and job experiences and go out together if possible. These days, especially during Summer I try to keep life practical. I do what is necessary not more and indeed not less. It's hard to change into a boring couch potato if people depend on you. Being a mother... It never ends no matter how handy, great and self-providing your children are but I am no longer the multi-tasking super mom which means I spend more time watching films ('Working moms' is weird, 'Sweet tooth' way better than expected but again a virus and a terrible world to live in as a result. 'Love, Death and Robots is just like "The Mitchells vs the Machines" not about a promising future. "Death to 2020" was partly funny though my brains find it not so much fun as most people would).

#kittywu #parenting #life #diary