It's J

I… am turning 20 for the next 2 hours and 43 minutes… and I can’t sleep. Maybe because there are some things that were running in my head. It hits me, you know, the fact that I am not belong to teenage years anymore. I feel pressured. I am asking myself of what I achieved at the age of 20. I did not think of saving money for the past nineteen years that I’m alive. I do not have savings in the bank or in my wallet. And the only thing that I did was to study… because I think that’s what I’m best at.

But sometimes, I’m pressured with the peers around me. Having new clothes, new shoes and new Iphone. They can buy what they want because they have a wealthy life. I’m not sayin’ that my family is poor; in fact, we’re in the middle class. But we did not raised by our parents to buy all the things that we want and that we should know the value of money to spend wisely. My family or relatives buys me new clothes, shoes and phone which I am thankful for but you know what I’m complaining? It’s because it did not came from my own money…

My dad spends hundred thousand for my tuition fee in nursing course and I do feel shy every time I am asking him to pay for my tuition fee. But of course, my parents felt that and they always say that it’s their responsibility to pay for it and what I just need to do is to study hard, pass the board exam and have a good job in the future.

So, I do study hard as in hard to the point that my focus is only for studies. I’m not active on my social media accounts anymore because I’m busy studying for our every day exam, it’s just like a battle every single day. I can’t do video calls to my best friend and my other circle of friends anymore because I always do activities even in the weekends but I’m pretty sure that they were busy too with their studies.

I get stress a lot of times. I procrastinated because of the endless task. I did have a mental breakdown. I cried at my bedroom every single night. It’s not healthy. There were no workouts anymore and even stretching my muscles because I think it’s a waste of time. I forgot having a “me time”, I forgot to care for myself. Yeah, it was exhausting… it was really exhausting.

Fortunately, we have a two-week vacation, yeah just TWO WEEKS, torture isn’t? But can’t do anything about it as it is required for freshies to have a summer class for the last week of this month.

But I’m grateful that we have a two-week vacation. Two weeks to compose myself again. Two weeks to know my worth. Two weeks to let myself motivated again. And two weeks to move forward again.

For the first day of my vacation, I woke up and just stared at the ceiling for how many minutes and then I decided to get up. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and comb my hair. I look myself at the mirror, I gained weight and my face looks puffy. I have eye bags too, I looked haggard and… dehydrated. I showered HYGIENICALLY, emphasized with that because for the last month that I’m readying myself for our final exams, I can’t even get a nice shower. I did my skincare for my face and my whole body. I tried to eat healthily but I think I cannot workout yet as my body is not feeling ready.

For the second day, I looked at the mirror again and see myself that I’m more okay than the first day which is good. I tried to get back my mojo. I tried to do my usual routine. I eat my pre-workout meal and afterwards I just did cardio workout. My sister invited me to watch a movie with the fam, of course, I gladly agreed instead of sleeping.

For the third day, I woke up late in the morning because of the movie marathon series haha. I looked in the mirror again and I do look happy. As usual, I eat my breakfast meal first before working out but this time I did some core workout gaining back my shape. In afternoon, I just read the novel of David Levithan and John Green entitled “Will Grayson, Will Grayson”. And at evening, I started to watch the series of Grey’s Anatomy.

For the fourth day, I woke up feeling light, with no school works to think and other stuffs. The first that I did is to stretch, yoga stretch. I feel relieved afterwards. I eat breakfast and do some core workout again. In the afternoon, I just played some mobile games and do some laundry, it was good for the arms, I’m telling you. In the evening, I video called my different circle of friends first and then I lastly video called my best friend because I know that we a lot to tell hahaha.

For the fifth day which is today, I just did some cardio again, showered, and visit my mother’s plants outside. We watched movies again and some vlogs. We cooked ‘adobong baboy’ and eat while telling random stuffs. It was a good moment for me because I missed telling my family such random stuffs without thinking anything.

And now, at this present time, it hits me that I’m turning twenty. I’m thankful to God that He gave me another year again to live.

Life is tough, isn’t?

But you know what, I just realized now, typing what’s in my head, that I just need to move forward and not to feel pressure. Because I know that in the next years that will come, I will earn what I invested. That I can return the care and love of my family to me in no time and that I need to be contented of what I just have now. That I should be thankful that my parents were supporting me for my studies. That I need to accept the fact that I’m still a student, with no job or any sidelines. I know that I can do things about it but I’m considering my mental health. I’m afraid that having work might distract my studies and worse have fail grades. I can’t take the risk…

But for now… I don’t want to think anymore such circumstances. I am now more looking forward for my birthday to come and for the remaining rest days that I have. Well… I guess, I’ll just live my life…

And what I need to do is just to ask myself of what is the reason why I started to take this path.