“I just want to vanish in this world”. “Sorry if I am stressing you out, I can’t help it”. “Sorry if I am repeating my wrongdoings”. “Sorry for my existence”. “Sorry if I cannot live the way you wanted”. “Sorry if I am like this”.
Those sentences came from her mouth. It breaks me. Every time she said those sorry, it made me to tear up. I never knew how she became like that or where is she coming from. I talked to her once, I asked her why she always says sorry. She never opened it up until in that hours of darkness.
“She locked me up into that room. I can hear different voices inside my head. Fear, that is what all I can feel. I want to go out. I tried many times. But she kept checking on me. And the only thing that I can do is pretend to be asleep. Every morning she never get tired to tell me those harsh words. She slapped my face many times whenever she goes home. She looked at me like I was her sin. She was not satisfied so she casted me away into that house. I have nowhere to go. I have no one by my side. I do not know when to start and how to start my life again. She is my everything”.
She was suicidal. She said that she cannot love herself because she was her mother's sin. She never met her father. She is the only child because her mother got pregnant by her at an early age.
My heart really hurts when she told me that. I met her in middle school. I considered her as my friend but I am not sure if she considered me as her friend too. She never interacts with our classmate. She never goes to cafeteria because obviously she does not like people around. She never participates in class. She does all the things just by herself.
Five years had passed when I saw her again. I am at the entrance of the mall.
I saw her laughing with her friends, she seems happy. I think she noticed that someone is looking at her so she glanced at my side. I smiled. I smiled because I saw her having someone by her side. I smiled because she seems beautiful wearing that genuine smile. I smiled because I am happy that she is happy. And then I realized that she survived. She survived regardless of the things she had been through. She lived.
She never had parents to look after her, to care for her and to love her. She gets the attention that she needs by meeting her friends. She learned by those people. She learned how to smile. She learned how to talk even though it is just random things. She learned to enjoy her life despite her conflict. She learned to build herself again. And maybe they motivated her to go on.
When I walked towards the National Book Store, someone grabbed my arm. So, I looked back. It was her, automatically I smiled.
“Hey, long time no see”, I said, slightly awkward.
“Hello, it’s been a long time. How are you?”, she asked lighting up the mood.
“Well, just fine. You? How about you? How have you been?”, I questioned her with my concerning eyes
“I am doing fine now. Thank you anyways, I did not even have the chance to thanked you back then”, she said
“There is no need to thank me. I did not even do anything”, I honestly said
“No, you are a big help for me. I am so devastated that time and you listened to me. I have no one to talked to”, sadness was evident to her voice. "So, thank you”, she sincerely said and hugged me.
It was overwhelming.
We have different conflicts. And we are so blessed that we still have our parents, family or friends to support us. They are the ones who shaped us. We learned something from them that they never knew. They somehow influenced us the way we act, the way we response or the way we communicate. They can also persuade us to try new things. As…
“No man can live just by himself”.
Credits for the lead image:
