Keep Going (I Wrote This In The Dark)

No, it is not the lockdowns, it isn’t the fear of catching the virus or the fickleness of getting the vaccine. It's this feeling of an indefinite nothingness. The ever-moving finish line.  

Losing my job before retirement age, kicked off a downward spiral. However, I didn’t notice it at first - caught up with taking care of Mum who was very sick. In fact, losing my job gave me the opportunity to be her primary caregiver. Shuttling between the kids and mum, I was lucky if I got two hours of sleep in a day. But once she grew her angel wings and flew off to frolic in the clouds - that's when I started to feel the drag. 

After Mum left, there was a void in my life. She was such a big part of it, she was my rock, my voice of reason, my support. It was also tough to see her body and mind wither away. I had questions but the answers were not satisfactory. Maybe it takes great loss to bring up these questions - What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?

I started getting a little muddled in the head. It happened slow and steady, chipping away at my resolve. All the things I picked up from Mum and the way she lived her life - the never say die attitude she practised proudly... in fact, I wondered if it was that which took her away too soon?

Now with all the doom and gloom, pay cuts chipping away at savings, families locked in (at least we are together and my Dad's my neighbour), a constant reminder that the virus is going to get you, it really showcases how fragile Life really is.

How do you deal with this not knowing? And losing motivation and hope? I already have heard the faith and belief chants, I was even raised on it. However, I grapple for more. Not just a belief but more an acceptance. Of knowing, that all the curveballs are the way life works. I will have to manoeuvre as I go along, and just because I hit a bump, it's not the end of the journey. You just change gears and keep going.

So mum may not be here, but I still hear her voice loud and clear. Every time, I got a little shaky on intention, she'd just casually ask "Why cannot?" until I couldn't come up with a sane argument not to.

I do have fears and even resentment sometimes. I wonder why this or how that. But I have learnt to catch myself in time before I get caught in the quicksand of despair. I practice gratitude for all the things I already have to shake off that bad feeling. Sometimes it is a stretch because that negative dog can bark really loud, far louder than the positive one, but staying focused on what I want to hear helps. The worst thing to do is dwell on what I don’t want.

I have friends who I can lean on and talk an ear off, and I am grateful for that. Half the time, just talking about it helps me find the answers. The other half is when I write it out like right now and hear that voice "Why cannot?"

Lead Image: Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels

Time: 10 minutes

Prompt: Keep Going