Unrequited Feelings

Everything is still vivid in my memory. It was five years ago when I first saw him, he had that big smile with a perfect set of white teeth, while reaching out for a handshake. He stated his name and asked for mine. I barely uttered my name because I was a timid and shy girl that time. Looking back, a lot of things changed since then.

I was still in college when I met him and I had a lot of campus crushes that time, so I didn't have my eyes on him, plus the fact that he's so out of my league. But eventually, things slowly changed. We got to know each other more, or maybe I got to know about him more. He's nice, kind, polite, smart, and I realized that he's kinda cute.

We volunteered together, and he usually fetches and drops me off my house. As I spend time with him, I realized I was slowly falling for his charms, for his wit and just everything about him though I couldn't accept the fact that I fell for a guy like him. I tried to suppress my feelings and forget him, but I just can't. I'm a secretive person when it comes to serious stuffs, so I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was just silently liking him.

Two years later, we became group mates for a certain volunteering activity. We became closer, and I became closer to his entire family as well. When I'm with his family I feel like I'm also a part of their family because they treat me like one. And one day his sister who's also a close friend of mine accidentally found out about my feelings for her brother. While I was too nervous about it, she seemed to be too happy about it and is teasing me nonstop. She was praising me about how good I am at hiding my true feelings. She told me that the way I act doesn't manifest even 1% of my feelings. And I was glad because I don't want to make things awkward for us since we're together almost every day, and I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have.

As time goes by, we became too close that his family even suspected that something seemed to be going on between us. To make things worse for me, his sister told me that she once saw his wallpaper, and it was a photo of me and my friend. And since I have deep feelings for him so much that time, I can't help but to hope and think that maybe he also has some feelings for me that he can't express. I was getting by with that thought.

One day my cousin told me that one of our friends  likes her and has a crush on her, but she couldn't tell me who it is. She let me read some of their conversations and based on the conversation and previous happenings, I could tell it was the guy I like. I was deeply hurt that time, I was crying on the bus while I'm on the way to work. I felt betrayed, I was mad at my cousin for not telling me about it considering that she knows how much I like the guy. Not only that, but I couldn't concentrate on my work too. So I prayed so hard for God to help me to eliminate and remove whatever feelings I had for him. I prayed for God to help me remove the unrequited feelings I have for him for three years. I decided to forget about him. I tried to stay away from them until I met another guy. He comforted me during the times  that I was hurting, but when he confessed his feelings for me, I couldn't accept it. I can't bear to use him because he was too nice, so I told him to wait for me, and he agreed.

Meanwhile, I found out that my cousin just played a prank on me, and it isn't true that the guy I like likes her, it was his cousin who likes her 😅 (lol this seems to be too complicated).

But somehow, even though I found out that it was just a prank, I'm glad that my feelings for him already subsided a bit.

One time, the guy who likes me asked me out on a date, and it was supposed to be our first date. Since I can't go without a chaperon, I asked my friends to come with us and that includes the guy I like. That day, I totally realized that my feelings for him is still there, buried deep within my heart. So I decided not to entertain the other guy anymore, and I also don't want him to end up hurting because of me.

Things went back to how it was before, and I thought things are going on smoothly between us. But like an older and matured friend once told me "don't assume unless otherwise stated", I should've kept that in mind. I assumed too much and once again I ended up hurting.

I thought he also likes me because he easily yields to my requests. When I ask him to accompany me to my students house, he would go with me. He would praise me for being a good cook. I thought he also has feelings for me but in the end it was just a sibling love. He loves like I'm one of his siblings. I was on sister zone.

What hurts more is when I found out that he already got a girlfriend, and it was the friend who I always ask to accompany us whenever the guy I liked and I are together. Technically, I was the one who brought them together, they became too close because of me. They couldn't even tell me because the girl made him aware of my feelings. I understand that between us two, he would choose her because she's pretty, and I'm not, and she's someone he can be proud of while me, nah. It's been more than a year since I found out about it, and I'm now happy for myself. I'm happy that I was able to move on from the hurtful happenings in the past, and I'm happy that I can smile at the two of them genuinely again. I'm happy for them now, and I'm happy living a single life.

Well that's just how life is, so I promised not to adjust my standards anymore for a guy. If he can't reach my standards then he can't enter my life. I will make sure not to fall for any guy that will not reach the standard I've set. That way, I can protect myself, I can protect my heart from hurting over and over again.

Waaah this is the result of boredom! I don't want to think about those things over again and I don't want to remember the feeling of being hurt but I can't think of any good topic to write. And it also happen that I saw their status about going on a date, so my bitterness subsided and I ended up in front of my phone and the keyboard typing this 🤧. Bare with me for this article and if you reach this point reading this article I really want to thank you for reading it 💕