How much does the earth weight?

I have never thought of that before, I can't even remember if I saw it in high school or college, I just thought about it today, the exact number. I went to our most trusted consultant, Dr. Google, and in one second I got the answer, all I had to do was type:

How much does the earth weigh? and Bam: 5,972 × 10^24 kg.

Like that, I got an answer to a question I have never thought before of a topic I'm not interested in at all, I mean, I care about our planet, and all the universe, I love to watch the stary skies on a very dark night, and always smile when the moon is on the first quarter and it looks like a smile from the skies, but the scientific part of it is something that is beyond my understanding and since I don't understand it, I just don't think too much about it.

There's a topic, however, somewhat related to the title of today's article, but in a metaphorical way:

How does it feel to have the weight of the world on your shoulders?

Certainly, it's something that can't be measured like the 5,972 × 10^24 kg earth weights, you just can't put a number to it because it varies from person to person, some even go throughout their lives without ever feeling it, and that's good, it isn't a feeling you should want to have ever in your life, it is taxing, depressing, lonely, empty, in other words, awful.

You might wonder if I have felt like that, well, I'm feeling that right now. The always upbeat and perky friend, sister, daughter, is feeling like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders, and some other things too. Today I've come to a realization, a sad one, that no matter what I do, I'm never going to be good enough, kind enough, strong enough, capable enough, to gain the respect and rightful place in this world. I feel like a burden, a nuisance, a little roc in a shoe, bothering people with each step they take. I feel like the more I try the more I disappoint, I feel like I can never be weak, because that's not convenient for anyone, and I can't be too strong because I can become a menace for those around me.

I have always tried to be out of the way of everyone, and I've always tried to be as independent as I can be. Since full independence doesn't exist, I don't strive to achieve that, but people can get close to it, so I've tried that for myself. I have also learned not to be so stubborn and ask for help when I need it, but I use it as a last resort because I don't want to owe anything to anyone. True, that's not a very healthy mindset, but is like a self-protection system, and it has worked, for me at least.

Some might say, " You need to start living for yourself" but I can't live for me alone, I have my mom, and for her to the moon and back. She has sacrificed so much for us that I can't bear the thought of not being there for her and her needs, even if she's still a strong and very capable woman, she is my mom, period. I also have my sister Gigi, a very capable woman herself, but still so innocent and somewhat afraid of the world and its workings, that I feel very protective of her and her well-being. They are not a burden to me, they are my most valuable treasure, and I take care of them, even at my darkest moments, they are all I have, so I'll be there for them until my last breath.

But then there come moments where I don't feel understood, on the contrary, I feel underappreciated and taken for granted, and I'm so stupid that I feel it's my fault, that I'm not doing all that I can to make it work. I get this feeling, not from mom or Gigi, it's other people, other family members, who I know blame me for whatever goes wrong around here. That's why sometimes, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, because no matter what I do or say, my sole existence consists of being always perfect, I can't mess up, I have to be always at the top of my game, and if anything is missing if anything goes wrong, who's to blame? Me.

God, I could go on with a long, long tale, about some of the reasons or well, all the reasons I feel like this today, and it wouldn't end soon, and it might be boring for my few readers, but I'm tired, and I'm sad, and I feel lonely. I shouldn't be writing this here, but I have to let it out otherwise it can and will consume me, and I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again, ever, so, here I am, lashing out this whirlwind of emotions on you guys, I hope you can understand.

I don't break easily, I have worked so hard to build myself into a person who doesn't cave when difficulty strikes, who doesn't break even when inside I feel like I'm dying. But today, tears fell out of my eyes and into a pillow, I felt so helpless and alone, I'm still feeling helpless and alone, and tears are coming out again. God I'm pouring my heart out in here. I've tried to distract myself by reading your content and leaving comments but I can't concentrate, and the internet connection doesn't help at all either. All I want to do is eat, watch TV, smoke and sleep, that's all, I don't have energy for anything else, I'm so tired.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be better, this is good therapy and I wish to God it works because it sucks feeling like this, and I don't want to bother anyone with my problems, I mean, we all have problems, right? And we all have to find ways to resolve them. Well, this is my way, so, sorry for my depressing rambling, and thank you for your time.

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✨✨Blessings✨✨

@rebeysa85

February 8th, 2022.