Lack of Responsabilities...

Another couple of months passed and I got lost, again...

Hello dearest! Wow, this post-pandemic world is not getting any easier. Too much to do in such little time, I mean, tasks keep pilling up and up and I can´t seem to get a hold of all of them, which is totally fine, I mean, I´m no Wonder Woman haha, I wish I was, but because I´m not it´s only natural that I collapse at one point or the other.

Getting Sponsors...

Since the first days of August, I was planning a sample concert for potential sponsors for the Foundation. We don´t have any, mostly because of a lack of trying by the previous administrations who focused all their efforts to build a political relationship with the government and neglected all links with the private sector. This caused when the government stopped giving a s**t about us, we were left totally alone and without any possibility for self-sustainability, and now we are trying to reverse that and we got to restore the electrical service at the house after two years of darkness.

We also got a start at a relationship with another Orchestra, the oldest Symphonic Orchestra in our country and the second oldest in the whole American Continent, the Venezuelan Symphonic Orchestra. They came over here on September 21st and sat down to play with us, it was awesome! Afterward, we went to grab a traditional lunch, which cost us a great deal of effort to put together since we don´t have any budget, but it all came together well, and had a great time, especially since we got to plan another activity for next year and maybe we will be the ones who get to go to the capital.

The First Concert...

After all that happened, we made plans to organize our first concert of the season and the first one after a little over a year. Yes, more than a year without a formal presentation, I mean, we had several gigs but no formal concert with symphonic repertoire. In that regard, I took it upon myself to demand a lot of commitment from the musicians, because they have a lot of potential and capacity to perform above average, but they can get easily distracted and disperse. However, it all backfired and as the days went by it got worse and worse to the point where the concert was a complete and utter disaster. They don´t even know why, well, they know why, they didn´t study the sheet music and thought that since the previous activity went well, this one was going to be good as well with little to no effort.

On my part, my body collapsed one day before the event due to excess stress, I was doing all the meals for the guest conductor and the extra musicians we got to play with us; I was formulating the 2023 Anual Budget Request for the States Authorities; I wasn´t sleeping nor eating because my body rejected all food and rest; I was on an adrenaline hype and on Wednesday afternoon my body cave in a way I didn´t expect.

Lack of Responsability...

On Friday I was finishing and sending the budget thinking Will I ever have a moment for myself? Or Is this going to be my life until I die? All of this pressure and expectations my peers and my family have on me and at this point, I´m super tired, especially when I hear things like: You have to take care of yourself, or, You can´t do everything by yourself, of my favorite (feel the sarcastic tone), You don´t let anybody help you.

But when I ask for help I don´t get it, when I need to take a break I can´t because everyone is doing their own stuff and I´m left alone dealing with all the s**t that has to be done for the Foundation, or if I do take the time I need to rest or simply don´t do anything, the look at me like I´m an f***g good-for-nothing and that pisses me off.

I´ll give you an example: on Thursday night after the concert, my boss and the guest conductor arranged for all of us to go out for dinner and drinks and strangely enough they invited me. I went because I thought it was just that, dinner and drinks and a pleasant conversation, and my mom got a little mad because of that. Anyways, the guest conductor was staying in the house of a friend, and the night before I spoke with that person to present the scenario and serve as a middleman between the two so the next day there wasn't any trouble whatsoever. So anyways, the night went smoothly, I was at ease because my job was done right? He and my boss planned that dinner and I assumed that his transport and housing were included in their plans. Guess again...

My boss asked me, just when I was just about to leave, about where was he going to stay and how he was going to get there. I looked at her and said:

I don´t know!.

What do you mean you don´t know? I´m leaving and he can´t be left wondering in the streets!

To which I replied,

Yesterday I spoke with the owner of the house where he´s staying and they were working it out, so, if you didn´t know any of it, why on earth did you wait until this late to ask me to handle that? I already called a cab, I´ll take him to the house.

Well, she said, it´s your job...

They came up with a plan without telling me anything about it but expected me to plan everything because it was my job. No fair.

So now, lying in bed hurting, body, and soul, because I dream of a life without responsibilities, a life of my own, a life where I can be oblivious as to what needs to be done because others are doing it for me, a life where I can be at peace knowing that if I take the time to breathe, to heal, it won't mean that something is going to go wrong or I will be blamed for anything. A life where I don´t have to be worrying about toilet paper, coffee or eggs, cellphone rent, or electricity cuts. A life where if I feel like eating in bed I eat in bed, and if I don´t want to eat the world won't crash down upon me. I crave the lack of responsibilities other people have, and that makes me feel selfish.

This is 100% Original Content.

Some images are from Unsplash and are provided by this site.

The others are mine and-or have permission to use them.

See you next time.

✨✨Blessings✨✨

@rebeysa85

Sunday, October 16th, 2022.