I think we all know the best ways of break-up healing; you look the best, and you have to show them what they've lost. You're doing some squats, finding their spot and going past them. You're going to go out with your friends, you're going to have some beers, you're going to sleep with others, and you know what they're saying: the only way to get over someone else is to get under someone else.
And don't forget to post online about all this to show them how happy you are without them! But don't write too much, unless you want to leave them guessing... I think we all realize that that was a joke and how much I don't agree with what I've just written, but that's some of the break-up tips I've found online, aimed at teens and adults too.
The biggest problem I have with such advice is that it's basically saying, "make how you feel about how they feel," when you really should be about you, and only you, the time after a breakup. And not you for anyone else, but you for yourself, I say "should" now, of course, but truly, in my humble opinion, I mean.
From "how can I get over someone and let them go," to "how can I heal from this and how can I grow," I like to change the viewpoint. They really, in some ways, mean the same thing, but it allows for a different perspective.
Relationships are, you know, interesting. I mean, the whole idea of agreeing to co-exist with another person you've met for who knows what reason; you're choosing a stranger and who chooses you. But as exciting as they are, breakups are truly strange.
You go from sharing with another person this journey of life, to walking it without them. A lot of people equate it to feeling like someone's dead, except that you're kind of getting a funeral for someone who still lives. When you think about it, it's sort of bizarre.
But as bizarre as it may be, it's life, and at some stage in their lives, it's something most people go through. There are undoubtedly many, many couples across the globe lying next to each other for the last time at this very moment, and they may not even know it.
With that being said, the partnerships and breakups and circumstances of everyone are very distinct. I'm just going to talk about my past, mainly about a breakup that really affected me a couple of years ago.
Now, regardless of how the breakup occurred, whether you did it, they did it, it was mutual, it doesn't matter, because the fact is that it didn't work out and, regardless of who or how it happened, the paths are now divided.
And the question to ask is:
How can you make the most of this growth opportunity as you recover and as you step on in life, so you can become a better person?
First things first, I don't think the very first time after a breakup is the time to try to force yourself to try to be rational. I believe it is time to just let yourself react naturally; to encourage yourself to be human for a moment. Within intent, of course, meaning without causing yourself or anyone else any harm.
There is no specific timetable or structure to follow, there is no step-by-step program or checklist because, particularly after a breakup when our emotions are very much like a rollercoaster, you can't structure your feelings.
But in this article, I do need some structure, so I will have to present it that way. But bear in mind, please, that this is not intended to be a checklist. Therefore, whenever you are ready:
Commit to just making yourself feel enough, but not to where you are being consumed. I definitely believe we should encourage ourselves to feel; we shouldn't want to run away or remove negative thoughts and emotions entirely, because we're not machines, so it's going to resurface whether we like it or not.
So, instead, we can learn how to manage them, and that's a promise you make over and over again to yourself. Like clouds, one way I like to imagine negative thoughts and emotions is.
So, the sky is clear on a good day. But if a cloud emerges, I won't say that the sky is still bright, but I won't let it ruin my day, either. So, let's say the cloud reflects the frustration that I feel when I remember the time I was screamed at by this guy.
I'm going to notice its presence, encourage myself to feel it for a moment, and then I'm going to let it continue to pass past me as I redirect my attention back to what I was doing.
The terms we use to make the stories of various incidents in our lives have a huge influence on how we feel about it and how we feel about ourselves. I remember telling a yoga instructor about how to inspire me to go to classes, and she said, "Well, instead of saying to herself, "I have to go to class today," she said, "I'm going to class today because I care about my health and I know it's going to make me feel good.
So, it's not about changing or manipulating the story, it's not about sugarcoating or altering reality so that you can feel better about yourself; it's just about rephrasing it. Let's say, for example, you were with someone who was not very good to you, And now you're beating yourself up over it right now because you feel like a fool, reminding yourself how foolish you were to stay, because you should have known better. In general, I don't think it's really productive.
Instead, you might say something like, I'm proud to be the kind of person who takes loyalty and dedication seriously, but I've found that because I tolerate more than I should, it can be a weakness of mine. I have now discovered that before any of that, my well-being becomes.'
I think either demonizing or romanticizing the past is very normal. We could either convince ourselves that this individual is a monster and a bad person, often as a mechanism of coping, or we could do the reverse and think of them as much better and more desirable than they really were. I don't think they're safe any of those things.
It can be very difficult to see things objectively for what they were, all over the board (the good and the bad), without letting blame, pride, hatred, affection, remorse, whatever it may be, alter our reality, but it is my conviction that if we are fully truthful about the situation, we can only gain insight on a situation.
So, after a breakup, I think the question to ask is: how did the story really unfold? You might want to ask yourself, where did things go wrong? When did things go wrong? When were things great? When were they not? What lead up to that? How did I react when this thing happened? Was it fair? What made me love them? What should I have chosen differently?
Now, this is not about dwelling and ruminating; it's about learning; much like how you would go through a test where you didn't get the answer you wanted; you need to know what happened so that next time you can take notes.
If it is too hard and unpleasant to review a past relationship... maybe it is too soon. But trying to look at it as an outsider, like you're reviewing a movie, can be helpful. If the problem is that you're having trouble critically seeing things, it may also be that it's too soon. But it may be useful to have someone close to you support you.
But please be careful, some people are either going to tell you what they think you want to hear, or they are going to talk about it on the basis of their personal feelings and desires. And that's what you want, maybe.
"Personally, I'm a kind of hard-love person, I don't like to hear "you're so much better off, he was an utter douchebag! "But hey, all of us are different. Regardless, just bear in mind that the opinion of not everyone is true or worth listening to.
I think it's also very important to point out that this is not something that you should be fascinated by, where you spend every minute trying to find answers and explain all that happened. It would have been counterproductive.
Your mission here is not to cleanse the ocean's bottom and spill all its secrets; your mission is to dive deep enough to where you can pick up a few important things, fully appreciate them, and bring them into the future with you
Alright, thanks for reading!