Toxic mothers

When people hear the word "mother" they usually imagine a devoted woman who nurtures unconditional love for her children and who will do anything to lead her kids on the right path. As long as we believe in universal maternal love - a myth that our culture actively supports - we cannot see the true power that parents have over us, even the power of covert violence. We like to think of mothers as women who keep this world from disappearing, wonderful and dedicated women, but is that always the case?

Do you know what is toxic mother?

A parents not only creates a world around their child, they also dictate how the child will view that world. As children, we “understand” what is going on in our family, what is being said and why, but not always because it is so, but because our mothers have served us an explanation that they think is appropriate for us.

So it is no wonder that many children grow up believing that every behavior and relationship we see in the family, even toxic, destructive or violent - is normal. As children we believe that all families are like ours, and the realization that other families are actually quite different comes much, much later.

We justify mothers who shouted, beat us - we were not good, we did not listen to them. We believe that our brothers and sisters are treated differently because they are good, worthy of love and admiration, and we are not. "We are hard, lazy, stupid" - as our mother called us. And we grow up with that belief.

Growing up and the main problem

Most female children who do not feel loved think that growing up will bring them freedom and that they will finally get rid of negative criticism. But, unfortunately, an unpleasant surprise awaits them - leaving the children's room will not protect you from the pain and the need for mother's love and support.

That is the main problem - the central conflict between the daughter's consciousness, what wounds her mother made on her and the hunger for her approval and love. That conflict lives on in the girl now and she is constantly finding explanations and justifications for her mother’s toxic behavior; she does everything to actually close her eyes to the truth.

8 typical patterns of toxic maternal behavior

1. Making a feelings of guilt and shame

   Tipical words used in this pattern are: “You always…” or “You never…” and is strongly etched in the child’s consciousness. In a child's head, it also becomes a personal critique, a voice that constantly repeats, blames and points out mistakes, and avoids praise.

2. The role of the victim

   Many mothers actually play the role of victim, and children are not even aware of it. A toxic mother constantly reminds the child how ungrateful he is, and the sentence usually ends with, "After everything I've done for you." This behavior lives in the child even when he grows up, and the mother continues her toxic role, especially if the child has realized what it is all about and tries to limit seeing and contact with the mother.

3. A game of symphaty

   Favoring one child in a family happens in many families. But when a mother is wonderful to one child and toxic to another - she humiliates him, constantly comparing him to a "good" child, talking about how bad it is - psychological problems are almost guaranteed. Psychologists say that toxic mothers behave like this in order to control their children, to form a relationship as she wants it to be and to manipulate it so that children constantly need her support and praise. If it is an only child, even that child is not "saved" - he will be constantly compared to the neighbor's daughter, his uncle's brother, a kid from kindergarten..

4. Passive aggression

   The mother may express passive aggression towards the child indirectly, for example, through ugly comments about the father when the child is present. A child’s development is directly related to the way parents behave towards each other and towards other members of the immediate or extended family and that is why parents play a huge role in what kind of people we will become when we grow up. If a child is a wittness of cruelty, verbal anger, punishment by silence, psychological harassment, there is a high chance that the child will develop similar behavioral disorders on average from the age of 8 to 10.

   As they grow up, most children slowly turn into bullies, become passively aggressive… Everything that was present and that actually shaped his view of the world is passed on to him. Here are the explanations why the sons of bullies grow up to be bullies, the children of alcoholics into alcoholics…

5. Psychological manipulation

   Manipulating a child is incredibly easy, because parents are the authority and opportunity that children look up to and believe in everything they say.

6. Humiliation and ridicule

   Mothers with need for control or narcissistic traits are often prone to ridicule their child’s feelings or thoughts. They ridicule and humiliate children with words, gestures and imitations, and thus kill their self-confidence and self-esteem even in childhood.

7. "Scapegoat"

   In toxic mothers, usually one child (or just a child) is blame for everything and punished for everything, never mind is he guilty or not.

   Such children in childhood begin to believe that they are superfluous wherever they appear, which makes it easier for them to turn to psychoactive substances, alcohol and other destructive behaviors during adolescence.

8. Silence as the worst punishment

   When a person does not talk to you and does not answer your questions, it is an expression of maximum contempt.

   Even adults find it very painful and humiliating, and when it comes to children, this kind of behavior completely destroys them, especially if it comes from parents.