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You can just call me Espie. I am writing to you with a simple inquiry. So there is this guy that is courting me currently, I have agreed that he could pursue me because I can see that he is really interested in getting to know me and he seems to be a genuinely great guy with decent intentions. Just so you know, I have dated three guys before and they also have the same qualities that I can observe from him, but in the end none of those relationships lasted to be my happily ever after. So my simple question is this: How would I know if he is the ONE that I am waiting for?
Thank you for sending in your letter. I appreciate you coming to me with such an intimate and romantic story. Nowadays, I'm spending my time absorbed in a book with a hot pot of tea and staring into the vast peaceful meadows in my home. I guess, there's really not much to do when you are retired but be relaxed and sit back as you await for your olden days to come.
Your query sparked a fire in my heart and I was blown away to the past with all the books and all the movies I had seen until today in my life. The journey was magical and the romance will leave you longing for more. Anyhow, let me get down to your question. How would you know if he is the one?
Fast and direct answer to that is you would not know if he is the one unless you say yes and try with him. Then you'll get the answer to the question all by yourself. If it works out, then all is well, but if it does not. Then you can charge it to experience and be a whole lot wiser next time. There really is no formula for this one, all you have to do is take that leap of faith and pray that he's the cushion that will catch you in your fall.
Since we are on the subject let's drill down a bit on this topic. The One. Who is The One? What is The One? Don't try to search it on google because you will only offered results which are movies or songs. When you say "The One" in a romantic sense, this is THE ONE you are supposed to end up with, the man of your dreams, the girl who you would like to bring up to the altar for the first and the only time.
She is the angel sent from the heavens above to be with you. He is the entity the universe created to complete you. She is the answer to all your prayers or maybe he is the culmination of your every necessities. He or she may be the reason why you live, he or she may be the definition of your very essence. So for you, who is the one?
I am throwing the question back to you because that's just it. The one, it's not some magical concept that will define your very existence, you define the one.
Every person has an "ideal" person or partner in mind. This ideal person has some ideal characteristics or traits that we find attractive or that we seek to make them as acceptable mates for us. These factors include concrete, tangible and physical traits. Characteristics that our senses could perceive. One might pay attention to the length or color of the hair. Others may be inclined to discern the shape, color or the depth of the eyes. They may also weigh in the overall body build, size of the primary and secondary reproductive systems, just every physical aspects that is observable in one's body.
The factor could also be physiological. Others may be interested with people who are seemed to be big eaters. Some will put into consideration the ability of one to reproduce. The characteristics also may include intellectual and emotional compatibility.
These are just some of the criteria that we somehow measure a potential partner so that we can say that he or she is the one. Basically, we create our own image of "the one".
Some will say that quaint and vague saying "You'll know that he/she is the one, you just know". If you are expecting the time will freeze, the background will fade, petals will fall from the sky when you lay eyes upon the one. Then you better sit back and enjoy eternity waiting for those things to happen. It may happen, it may not. But here's what I think, if that happens to you, maybe, just maybe, you unconsciously checked all your criteria with what you are looking at and voila, the stars aligned and it was perfect. But still it is not going to be magic, it just so happens that this guy or this girl checked all your boxes. Perfect.
I guess what I am trying to say is, we already have that clear picture of The One we seek, it's just that we should accept that it is not a concept of fantasy but a product of reality and logic. We already know how he or she should at least look like, we also know how we want to be treated and somehow we already know how we want to be cared for. If a person ticks every single one of your boxes then without a shadow of a doubt, you found the one.
Humor me for a bit Espie, this next part is for the sake of those three previous guys that were not lucky enough to be named as The One. As you mentioned all of them share most of the qualities you were able to observed, I take it that those are the qualities and characteristics that interest you in a way, or those are the traits, let us say that you really look for a guy. You said that they all somehow share those and still, none of them was The One for you. What if I told you that one or all of them could have been the one?
At the moment when you realize that a guy is not "the one" for you, you will have a choice to make, and logically you have two choices instantly. You always have a choice, as once said by a wise person named Mary The Wise (@immaryandmerry). The obvious choices are, you leave that guy chasing the illusion of the one or you try to make that guy, the one. Yes, that's right, you can do that.
And I don't mean you should settle for less, never settle for less, although that in itself is also a choice. But I don't mean that, I mean that you can be honest to the guy and say what you are really looking for. I know I know, it's bland, it's anticlimactic and it's not even remotely romantic. I assure you, it is not. But it will prove beneficial if done right.
If you tell him all the things that you look for and you lay out all your cards, then the ball is out of your hands. The choice is now on his side of the court. He would either try to compromise, he would try to be the man that you want and you think you deserve or he could take it as it is and walk away. In that way it's fair for both parties, don't you agree?
There is one question I would like you to ponder Espie. You are searching for the one, how sure are you that you are that someone's THE ONE? What do I mean? I mean a relationship goes both ways, if you are looking for the one, you yourself should strive to be THE ONE. If you are looking for a perfect guy, make sure to be a perfect girl.
Now, I don't mean to come as a rude person, I am just trying to be the voice of reason. I just think that you should love yourself first the way you deserve to be loved. And when you are comfortable, confident about who you are as a person, I think that is the time that you can really be The One, the best version of yourself. Don't fret about it, I know you can be it. You got this.
Again, thank you for taking this matter to me, I appreciate you. Good luck in your quest and may your heart find what it's meant to find.