Letters of the Heart ( 2 ) : I Like Taken Guys

To Professor,

My friends always call me the b-word because it seems like that I find guys that are in a relationship more attractive than the ones who are single. Am I really a b??

-Bianca

Hi Bianca, please don't be too hard on yourself. There are things that are beyond our control and there are things that we do that may seem bad to others but doesn't exactly make us bad people. Sometimes life is just like that and we should just learn how to roll with it.

There is a concept in mating that describes perfectly your situation, it's called Mate Choice Copying or MCC. Mate choice copying roughly states that the likability of a potential mate increases if they are observed to be chosen by others first. This concept has been tested and was observed first with non-human species but I believe that this somehow holds some truth even with us human beings.

Let's try to put it in a simple example:

You are in a department store looking for a fresh pair of shoes. You have been there for quite some time already and it started to seem that none of those hundreds of designs lined up perfectly is grabbing your real interest. But suddenly, an attractive lady holds a pair of red high heels. More than the face of the beautiful girl, you are locked in with what seems to be a stunning pair of heels. Somehow, someway you have developed a sense of approval for that same pair, not even realizing that it was the same pair you have skipped a couple of times already. And after all those scrutiny and frolicking you now want that very pair of shoes.

So what does this mean? Does this mean you're that loser that's just envious and jealous of another person?

I don't think that's the case, I believe that in simpler terms, since you can make up your mind on what pair of shoes you really want you skipped all the tedious decision making and product examination. In your subconscious, since that pair has been chosen by a lady who looks like she knows what she's doing you unconsciously made the assumption that that particular pair of shoes is an acceptable choice therefore it's worth having. The seal of approval she bestowed upon it makes the product more appealing to your eye and is enough to make you want it.

It might be a little demeaning to compare men with shoes (I meant no harm or whatsoever, I'm also a guy so please no hate. :)) but the essence of it is the same. The thought process involuntarily applied in the choice making is no doubt the same in nature.

In principle a man in a relationship has been chosen and has been accepted by another person so this man might actually be a suitable partner even for you. That's as simple as it is. There's no need to feel bad about it but when you start taking actions to snatch that taken man away from another person that's a whole another story.

What I can say about this is easier said than done: you really need to understand yourself and be certain of what you really want in a guy specifically. What it is that make your heart skip a beat is a hard study and no one will know it better than yourself.

Just for now, stay away from another gal's man to stay away from trouble. You might want to keep in mind that what's good for one person is not necessarily good for you. :)

Good luck and I hope that you find your one true love.

May your heart find its path to where it belongs.

Yours,

Professor

You may read all the other letters of the heart here :

Letters of the Heart (cover page)