Do I care? Do they care?

Sometimes I catch myself when I get all worked up over something, when I over think things, when I over do things. I would ask myself, why do I care or why did I care? Do I care? Do they care? The answer is usually no.

Back in the days when social media platforms have just started, when everyone I knew was very much into them, happily posting their updates daily, letting those within their circle know what they were doing, day in, day out, what they were eating, where did they go, I too thought it was fun to post too. I would choose photos to share and tell my circle of so-called friends, where I went, what I did, what I ate.

I remembered one day, I was mopping the floor in the morning, before I got ready for work, and I was actually in a hurry but my phone beeped a notification. It was notification of new updates from my circle of “friends” in the social media platform. I pressed to view them and time just flew by. My mind got distracted. I spent half an hour scrolling and scrolling, looking at photos, to see the happy faces and reading thoughts of my circle of “friends”. I read what their postings were, what they were thinking of, what they were doing and even what did they have for breakfast that particular morning.

Then all of a sudden, I realized geez, the time just flew by and I did nothing but looking at updates of other people’s lives. It dawned on me, did I just waste half an hour of my time doing that instead of getting some mopping done and preparing to go to work? Why did I do that for? It was such a striking moment for me at that point, a self reflection that screamed out loud. Why did I bother? Why did I care? Seriously, do I even care what they had for breakfast, where did they go for dinner last night or what they were thinking, these “friends” and “family” whom I hardly meet or probably never will meet again. We only got to know each other from some years in school or college or work, or found out that we are distant cousins of some sort, and not even close to begin with, and only met or would usually meet once a year or once in a few years.

It is during hard times, that you figure out who your real friends and family are. Real people who genuinely care about you and would ask how you are doing, be it good times or bad times.

Throughout my life, I have had “friends” and “family” members who would only call when they needed something, when they needed a listening ear, when they were facing problems. But when their life becomes good after, when they have achieved the happiness that they were seeking, I don’t hear from them anymore. It is quite funny how people are sometimes.

After each incident like these, I grew up. I realized that they didn’t really care about me and probably, maybe I didn’t care about them either I guess. I would think about the time that I spent, listening to their problems, when they cried and I would try to cheer them up. It seemed so easy for all that to be forgotten.

There were times too when the so-called friends and so-called family asked for monetary help, to pay the bills, and I would help them. But after that, I don’t hear from them again until if they need something again from me. I wonder sometimes, why the heck did I care?

I think experiences like these slowly change me, from someone who used to care to someone who don’t care as much. Sometimes I feel it is much better to help strangers and animals who genuinely are grateful for any help given.

When it comes to “friends” and “family”, there is a certain expectation I guess that they would care too when I needed help or perhaps, just a quick call to chat, to ask how things are, when times are good. Not just appear when they needed something from me and disappear when things are good for them.

Things do not make sense most time and nowadays, I feel happy not having to meet people, thanks to the on-going pandemic situation. I am in my little world at home, I care for myself and I care for those who cares about me too. I finally get to see who are the real friends and who are real family. The numbers are small but I am okay with it. I prefer it that way too.

It is pretty sad to think about it this way but when it comes down to it, I can’t help but think maybe I have been taken advantage of. It is not something nice to be thought of it that way but it is hard not to think about it sometimes. The only consolation I have is that I have managed to help them in their times of need and that they are leading a happier life now.

There are many things we do in life that do not necessarily matter to others and vice versa. I think it is important to make sure that the things that we do should matter to us first. If it is something that is right to do, that makes sense, that is morally right and should be done, that makes us happy to help, we do it. I tell myself not to be bothered about the reciprocal part of things, silence is golden. It applies to many things in life. As long as we do what is right and what feels right, then we should be alright. Most importantly, I must care about me.