Personal Vlog: Purpose of Life amidst Depression

I don't know if it's an article or just some random rant from me lol. But yeah, let me ask you. What is your purpose in life?

I'm about to believe that humans will never be satisfied. Those who are lacking will ask for more and those who have everything will strive for more. No one and nobody is contented in this so-called life. Why? Because we are humans that are full of greed and being a hypocrite is one of our nature.

You're saying that you are okay. Everything is fine but deep inside you. It's not! You will never be okay even if you achieve what you like because of greed. And the world will never have peace as we human being has no peace of mind.

I'm afraid to admit that life for me is kinda boring nowadays. There's no excitement, no more pain, no more happiness. It's lifeless at my end! Why I'm feeling like this? I don't know! I don't know why and I just couldn't believe that I will reach this kind of feeling.

The feeling of nothing! I'm tired of everything and just wanted to sit at the corner of my house with a blank mind. Nothing to think about, nothing at all!

Have you experienced this? The urge to move and do what you need to do but your body will not cooperate. It's tired from moving around and your mind is tired of thinking to the point that there's nothing to think. Only the blank shallow hole in depth of the darkness.

There's nothing but darkness! Will there be light? When do you force yourself to shut down everything including yourself? Is there hope when you have already given up? Life seems to be boring and cruel.

You want to cry but there are no tears. You want to laugh but couldn't open your mouth because you are not happy at all!

So, what am I talking about here? Haha. Honestly, I don't know. The morning will come and the light went out replaced by night and darkness. The cycle keeps on repeating and it seems boring and I felt I wasted my life for nothing!

Nothingness in the middle of nothing! Is this a sign of depression? I thought that I already overcome this but I guess not...

My purpose in life is just nothing? Isn't it? I don't know. Wasted and unimportant. That's what I felt. I suddenly felt useless! Disable! And stupid!

Name it all because that's what I'm feeling right now. Am I alive just to suffer and experience this bullshit? Is this my purpose in life? Being broken until I die? Manipulated and hurt by those bullshit people!

Is this what they called life? But it's not! It's a dead end. Lifeless and useless, that's me...

I'm about to give up but every time I close my eyes. I will see my daughters. What will happen to them if I will give up? Surely the result is a disaster.

I can't give up because this life of mine is meant to protect the people I Love! No matter how tired I'am, I need to get up. No matter how bored I'am I need to be alive!

Even if I'm sad, I should be happy. Even if I'm mad, I need to calm down, and even if I wanted to die. I must stay alive!

Good thing that I still value my Famous motto. "Patience is always a virtue." I have the longest patience ever. Even if you hurt me a million times. My patience is a billion times.

The hell of getting bored and feeling useless. I can take it all! But my patience has an end. And it's time to take back the life that I've wasted before it's too late.

I was born and grow up without anyone by my side. My only companion is my shadow and I live during this time. And I will continue to live as long as my heart beats.

Continue to hope even if there's no chance. Continue to dream even if there's a nightmare. Let's continue fighting even if it's boring. Let's continue to value our life even if it's useless and lifeless.

For the sake of our loved ones. Let's continue to be the one. For the special person who still holding on and didn't leave my mind, for the special person who continues to hold my heart even if I'm about to give up...

Just continue to run in my mind and pester me all you want.

Hold my heart so that it will not fall apart. Even if you're gone at least you continue to make this life of mine alive. You still make me smile just the thought of you... You are free to stay there so that I will not think something stupid and will never feel bored. Stay in there and don't go anywhere...

I have been depressed for almost three years... And until now I'am... Anxiety and fears are eating me. Rage keeps firing and burning inside of me. I don't know how to forgive... Will I be saved? I guess I meant to experience this tribulation of life. Meant to suffer and feel the pain.

I'm about to celebrate my two years' stay here in readcash. During those times, readcash has been my home... And again, thank you very much!

How about you? Do you know what's your purpose in life?

leejhen 🤍

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