Philophobia

FIRST MEETING FOR THE UPCOMING ALUMNI HOMECOMING

While waiting for the meeting to start. I am seating on the corner specifically on the last row beside the window where I am used to sit before. Everything was changed but my memories here remained. Now I can't help myself but to reminisce all those memories. I can still remember the main reason why I always sit here is because, this is the only place where I got a chance to glance on someone. Since I don't have any friend in this school, that someone's presence became enough for me to find a reason to enter in my class everyday. Thus, he became my inspiration in my entire college life.

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One day because of a seminar conducted in school. I was able to be with him and luckily he became my partner in one of our activity. Hence, from that moment we became friends and from a simple glance before, now we're both enjoying each others company. Til the next thing I knew we became so close together that even after that seminar, we're still communicating and talking about each other's life. Imagining all our conversations, personal nor chat or text, it seems that we became so comfortable with each other. Time also came that he ask me to go on travel and since his my only friend, I agree. Right after school we consume the rest of our 1hour going to different places near the school. And since we talk more often, I was able to know him deeply. His totally a real opposite of mine knowing that he's a friendly guy, an approachable one and has a big group in school while I, I only have him as my friend. However, our differences made me so attached with him. I was used to be on his side everyday suchlike I want to see him and be with him every hour and every minute. However, I was so scared that maybe I used to be in this set-up and time will come that everything will fade away.

One day, one of his friend told me

"You're shane right?"

"Yes, why do u know me?"

"Rence always talk about you. We're just waiting for him to introduce you to us"

"Why does he need to introduce me?"

"For us to know his girlfriend"

"Girlfriend? We're just friends"

"Really? So the proposal was not yet done?"

"Proposal?"

"Yeah. At the field, OhMy just go there, okay? And please just act like you're shock and don't tell him that I told you about his plan"

Afterward, his friend ran away and like what he said, I went to the field. I saw a lot of people and at the center, I saw Rence holding a microphone and a flower on his other hand. As he saw me, he announce my name and before he came closer to me, I ran so fast without looking back on him.

When I assured that I lost in his sight. I found myself crying and I can't help myself but to utter words in the wind saying"Sorry Rence but I can't love you"

After that moment I decided to avoid him. Everytime I saw him around, I hide so that he can't see me. All his chats, calls and texts were disregarded. Without stating my reason I totally disappeared in his sight.

Unfortunately one time, in my cousin's birthday celebration we saw each other again and we also got the chance to talk together but the only conversation I can't forget is when he asked me: "Shane why did you disappear like a bubble? Are you hiding on me? Shane why did you change? Why did you lost without any explanations? Without any reason? Shane I miss you, I miss you a lot, but why you leave me?"

Without looking directly on his eyes I said "I'm not the right person to be with you Rence"

"But why Shane? You treat me like someone's special. You give motives, you care a lot, you became my shoulder everytime I feel sad. Now you just lost in my sight? Shane I love you and I mean it. I know you love me too but why this happening to us? Why Shane? Why you're hiding?"

"If I can only ask you a favor to keep that feelings and wait for me until I found myself, I will do. But this time I'm not certain with what I feel so I just wanna say sorry Rence. I know you deserve someone better than me" - my only response and ran away again

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Turning back my consciousness, I saw many people going inside the classroom and like a snap the meeting started. Actually I'm not the real representative of our batch, I just intentionally volunteered myself to attend on this meeting for one reason and luckily all my batchmates are busy, so without any second thought they agreed to put me in this position. Admittedly, my presence here is not genuinely intended for the meeting itself but my main reason for attending here is to see someone from the past coz now I'm certain I'm ready to be with him forever. Whatever it takes, I want to be with him, I will admit what I really felt for him.

After the meeting, I searched for him but I felt upset when I haven't seen him. My mind says maybe because he go home as soon as the meeting was done. Or maybe this is not really the right time for us to see each other again

"Hey, are you looking for me?" - he said out of the blue

"Oh you're here." - I said

"So you're really looking for me? Did you miss me?" - he said like a joke

I wanna say yes but I said "of course not, why would I?" and I smiled vividly

Conversations got longer until.....

"How are you? For sure you have a boyfriend now?" - he asked

"Nahhhh I'm still single, how about you?" - returning the question

Ring. Ring. Ring.

His phone rang and as he answered the call. There, he was able to avoid my question. But right after the call

"Who is it?" I asked referring to the one who called him

"My fiancee saying I should go home early" his response

"Really? You have fiancee now?" my shocked statement

"Yes Shane. We're planning for our wedding soon" calmly he said

"But Rence, I still love you" I told him with so much pain

"You love me? Since then Shane? I never heard that word from you" he said out loud

"Since the day I met you Rence, I'VE LOVE YOU. The day I told you to wait for me until I found myself, I mean it Rence. I should not say 'I MEANT IT' coz until now, I mean it Rence. Because the time I told you those words, I'm suffering from PHILOPHOBIA -the fear of being love and the fear of being emotionally attached. The reason why I disappeared like a bubbles because I was too scared that maybe I fall deeply inlove with you that I forget myself. The day I told you that you deserve someone's better honestly I felt so painful those times, knowing how much I love you but I'm so afraid that soon you'll leave me too. Rence I really love you its just that, the time I'm with you I'm suffering from a philophobia too. If you only knew that hiding you is so hard. Avoiding you is like killing my life. Seeing you with other girls torn my heart. But now that I learn to fight my phobia, I'm ready to be with you now. So please Rence, lets just be together. Promise I won't leave you anymore. Promise, I won't be scared anymore. Promise I'm ready for whatever consequences I'll face for this. Rence please choose me again this time please"

"Sorry Shane, its too late now. I will lie if I said I don't love you coz I really love you and yes I mean it too. But I had a promise to my fiancee Shane, you know me, I don't like breaking promises. I know how painful it is lossing the one you really love, so I don't want my fiancee to feel the same. I'm so sorry, I know you deserve someone's better than me."

"Rence? Don't we really have a chance to become together? Rence please. Rence I really-really love you"

He just waved his head which simbolizes "NO" and he said "I truly love you but I can't be with you" and then he was lost like a bubble and I remained crying in this place where I used to glance on him before.

"I THOUGHT WE'RE MEANT TO BE, BUT HAPPY ENDING IS NOT FOR ME"