In our daily life, we all have many needs in different areas. In fact, we often chase these needs on autopilot. New items, new clothes, a new job, new friendships, phone, computer, house, car… this list goes on and on. However, there is an important issue that we do not realize most of the time, which is one of our most basic needs. Be heard. Understanding and being understood. Feeling that others can also understand us. Likewise, listening to others with the intention of understanding, not with the intention of responding.
When we look at the main problems in situations where there is no good communication, we see that the parties often act with the intention of defending themselves rather than understanding. This situation fuels the need for understanding in all of us. Moreover, we can experience this problem at all ages. Child or adult… when it comes to proper communication, age doesn't matter. We all have a need for our emotions, worries, and sorrows to be understood by others. At this point, it is important to say the following. When we say understanding and being understood, we are not actually talking about everyone's agreement with us. Perhaps we want these feelings to be accepted.
You can ask yourself, for example. How do you respond when someone from your circle tells you about their feelings about something you disagree with? "You're talking nonsense, I don't think what you think is true." is it? Otherwise, "Even though I think differently, I can see how much your experience has affected you." is that Which of these two answers would you feel better if you were told?
In fact, we are exposed to this situation first in our childhood. Even the most caring parents can sometimes exhibit this behavior without realizing it. This can even set an example for children. Of course, they do not do this on purpose to harm the child. In fact, the main reason is not being aware of how much our responses affect others. Let's go through an example.
The Importance of Good Communication and Understanding
Let's think of a kid who complains "I wish there was no school today!" At this point, the parent's answer is "I go to work at 7 in the morning to earn money every day, you should not complain!" When it happens, maybe the child won't even understand what that means. Because the name is kid! Having to earn money, work stress, mobbing, growing a job.
Any concept we can think of, we complain about is not yet familiar to him. He will feel bad not only because he cannot understand his parents, but also because he is not understood. Maybe even with the feeling of loneliness, he will become aggressive and display wrong behaviors. What if the parent had made a sentence like this for understanding, not defense? "It must be difficult to start school with a math lesson after the holiday. But we all have to fulfill our duties in some way." In which sentence do you think the child would feel more "understood"? How would you feel if your family had told you this sentence?
We don't only experience this situation in childhood. In our adulthood, we also live in business, social and romantic relationships. Let's consider our relationships. When the other person says, "You don't understand me," many of us say, "Don't be silly, what sacrifices have I made for this relationship! How can I not understand you? " we tend to answer like. However, in this very sentence, we are trying to defend, not understand. In fact, the solution of all these problems is possible and very simple right now.
Mindful Communication
We can call it focusing on what the other person is talking to, not what we will answer. What is the person you are listening to saying, are you really aware? How are their facial expressions, how are their looks, how are their mimins? Can you make inferences from his expressions about his feelings? What is he feeling at that very moment? Can you focus only on what he's telling without judging him? If the answers you give to him come to mind, focus on your breathing and try to bring back awareness to what he is telling. Try to discover what he said with curiosity and interest.
Magic Sentences
Understanding and being understood is important for all of us. We all love to hear that we are understood. When the other person tells us about an issue, we can make us feel that we understand it, regardless of whether we agree or not. Some magical expressions can help. Try to say the following, focusing only on what he feels, regardless of our own thoughts. "I can see that you are not feeling good about this." "I can understand from your speech that what you told didn't make you feel good."
If you have noticed, we are completely independent of what the issue is, what is right and wrong. We focus only on how the other person feels about what they are saying. In this way, it becomes easier not to judge him and listen as he is.
There is an important issue that we do not realize most of the time, which is one of our most basic needs. Being heard, understood and understood.