Unfulfilled Journey

As a kid. I'm pretty sure all of us knew what would we want to be when we grow up. Let it be a doctor, a policeman, a firefighter or even an astronaut. Our future was set in our innocent minds. Or should I say "our dreams??"

But what happens when you reached that point where you realized that it's not what you really want to be when you grow up?

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Year 2008 when I graduated high school. I was 15 at the time. The course that I have in mind upon going to college was anything that has to do with business not because I think I'm good at it but because I thought it's the easiest course I could get but ended up taking up Bachelor of Science in Nursing (BSN).

I have never ever see myself working in a hospital and caring for other people because I know that I am not capable of such thing. My older sister and brother graduated at the same profession so I thought maybe it wasn't that bad and I convinced my cousin to take the same course with me. So, Nursing it is.

The first semester was great. Made friends here and there, got so proud of myself for starting to do things I thought I couldn't do. Like passing exams with flying colours which by the way is very hard for someone like me to achieve. I'm not really a school type kind of a person and I am always a shy kid. So, these things are really a big achievement for me.

Second semester came and my cousin decided to shift to a different course (Hotel and Restaurant Management) because she felt that nursing isn't really for her, which is understandable because I am the only one who asks her to take the course, anyway. And I stayed because I'm starting to like it there. I became more challenged of the things we're learning and I am gaining more friends. So, I thought it's a win-win for me.

But then, Finals came. Surprisingly, I didn't feel any fear of failing because I knew that I've studied so hard for that examinations and there's no need for me to worry because I'm pretty sure that I'll pass it with high marks. Most especially, Anatomy and Physiology. My favorite subject! I'm just amazed of how our body organs actually works and what makes them work. So, I was pretty confident that I'll aced it.

Results came and I was right. I did pass my examinations with high marks except for one subject...

Anatomy and Physiology.

Yes. I have failed the only subject I worked so hard for. The only subject that keeps me interested and the only subject that keeps me going with this course. But I failed. Well, not actually failed-failed because I get to have another chance taking the exam again. "Removal exam" as what we called it. But still, I felt that I failed and that feeling made me doubt myself that maybe taking up this course really isn't for me. We're not rich and nursing course isn't that cheap. Every semester the tuition fee gets higher and higher and I thought that not only I am wasting my time but most especially I am wasting my parents' hard-earned money for nothing because I'm not a good student and never will be. That's how I look at myself. So, what I did was to take the Removal Exam, made sure I passed and then decided to shift to another course and follow my cousin. And my parents as being supportive as ever. Let me.

Hotel and Restaurant Management (HRM).

The second course I took up after nursing. Because it's a lot cheaper and I am with my cousin and it looks really easy. Just baking and cooking stuffs.

But, that's what I thought.

It wasn't long before I realized that managing a Hotel or Restaurant and cooking nor baking someday isn't my thing. I'm not good at those things. And I admit that. I find it really hard to learn the things you don't have the passion for.

So, after the first semester I switched to another course...again.

Bachelor of Science in Information Technology (BSIT).

Haven't thought much about taking this course. My mom just push me through it because practically, I'll have a good future when I get to finished this one because this kind of profession is in demand abroad. And I thought she had a point. Good profession plus good money is equals to a GREAT FUTURE.

And so, I thought. "Why the hell not?"

Well, everything's great. I'm loving the new environment, I'm loving my new found friends and I'm loving the course...finally!

I'm starting to gain that confidence again. So, I thought maybe this course is the one. This profession is for me. I just love it there.

But, my family had a crisis which resulted me dropping out of college.

This time, for good.

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I started looking for jobs. And ended up working as a Data Analyst somewhere near my house. It's a win-win situation for me. 15 minutes walk from our home, meaning, I don't have to think about the transportation expenses plus I love my working environment and all my colleagues are great. We were like a big family in that office. I love everything in that job! It's like I've found my interest again. That place turned out to be my comfort zone.

Almost six years had passed, I'm still happy working with the company that taught me so many things. But at the same time it got me thinking, "Is this really the life I want?" Yes, I am happy but I don't feel completely satisfied. It's like I want something else. And I ignored that thought for years.

"I am happy but something in my life is missing..."

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Then came my younger sister's graduation. College graduation. There I was as her name and photo flashed on the big screen at the center stage. And as I watched her walking in her graduation uniform, something in me just clicked.

Everything around me gets blurry.. But, the place where my sister was walking, I can see clearly. Except that it wasn't my sister who's walking, but ME.

I was daydreaming.. Dreaming about walking in my graduation uniform towards that center stage where I'll get my diploma from my professor's hand. And as I look at the audience, there was my family waving and cheering for me. That finally, I get to finished what I've started.

Suddenly, I woke up from that dream and then I realized what was missing. I got so happy for years that it got me blinded from thinking of what I really want which is finishing the first course I started a few years back.

Nursing.

I talked to my parents about it and the joy I saw in their eyes told me that I am definitely doing the right thing. I decided to leave my comfort zone and try again.

So nursing it is...again.

At first I find it really hard to adjust. From working to studying again. I was like, "I'm already earning and I was able to help a little with the finances at home. Why do I have to go back studying?" It was really hard for me at first, thinking I am back to being a burden again to my family. But I thought maybe I'll make my family the happiest if I'll pursue this one. That thought is what keeps me going through my decision.

Regarding to finding company. It wasn't really that hard. They are all nice! We just clicked right away. Most of them are a lot younger than me. 8-10 years younger but we all see each other as equals. I prefer them to see me as someone that isn't that old for them to be their friend. And that's what they did. They didn't call me "Ate", instead they call me by my nickname.

We became best friends ever since. They were like a brothers and sisters I never had. I just feel so good when I am with them.

We really enjoy each others company.

Everything's great. I feel like I can do this thing one more time. My classmates love me, my professors love me and even the doctors and nurses where we do our duties are so good to me. I even makes the top of the class every now and then and it felt like everyone is looking up to me. And that is such a great feeling!

Until it's not.

Last few months of the last semester, I felt so pressured. And my professors and classmates can't help but notice that as well. Even my clinical instructor and the Dean of our department decided to talked to me and asked me if I'm having any problems because they can't believe the sudden change they saw in me. They're not used to see me in that state. It's like I am losing interest about everything again.

And I don't know why. I don't have any problems I just don't know why.

I am a person who lacks on self-confidence. A person who doesn't believe in herself. That when things gets hard I'd rather run away than face it. I am a type of person that when I see something that I think I can't, instead of trying, I'll just decide not to do it. I am not proud of myself for being like that, though. But I just can't help it.

Then the pandemic happened. I finally had a reason to give up the profession I've been reaching since I graduated high school. I told myself that it's for the best. That maybe it's a sign. A sign that tells me that it is not really for me. I am not meant to be in that profession, that I'm not meant to be a nurse.

After I decided to leave that path again, I enjoyed doing a little business here and there. I learned a lot of new things and I am very thankful for that. I don't regret the decision I made a year and almost a half ago. If I'll have the chance to change things, I'm not going to because I feel like a complete different person now compare to who I was before. A better one. I am more confident now and I have faith in myself that whatever comes I know I can finally face it without any fear of failing.

But as time passes by, I could feel that emptiness in me again. I am looking for that something I've been keep on looking a few years back. This time I am pretty sure what it is and I am just looking for signs.

Then one morning I woke up from a dream where I'm with my former classmates, so I take it as a first sign but decided to just shook it off because it's a common sign. I saw another sign on my way home from the mall, a man wearing the same uniform we wear on one of our hospital duties but still shrugged and ignored the sign but then I talked to this one fellow noiser (noise.cash user) and made me realized something.

She asked me if I'm a nurse because she feels at ease and relax when talking to me. She's a nurse by the way. And that kind of compliment from someone who's already achieved something in life is REALLY encouraging. And in that moment, I knew. That is the sign I was looking for and...

It's never too late to achieved your dreams.

So, I decided to try again for the third time. Two efforts have already failed but perhaps the third will be successful. Third time's the charm they say.

Thank you to this wonderful person that made me realized that it wasn't too late for you to reach for your dream. To go back to that path and continue your...

Unfulfilled Journey.

Hi guys!

So, stay with me as I wait for another chapter of my life and put it into a story. Thank you for spending your precious time reading this chapter. I would love to share more with you in the near future.

I hope you won't give up on something no matter how hard it gets. There's always a way for you to achieve it. And always remember, "Great things take time".

Thanks again and good luck!