This is a personal story of discovering what's within and what's beyond our dreams and anticipations in Life. Growing up as a kid, I clearly remember that it was taught to us "How to dream", it all started during a recital in our school, we were asked back then "What do we want to be when we grow up?". I remember saying that I want to be a teacher when I grow up, so that I can help kids learn stuff, I already knew back then that I should have a dream to hold on to as I grow older.
I strived my way to high school, garnering awards and putting excellence in every thing that I do. I dreamt of becoming a successful Accountant someday, working in a prestigious firm and inspiring people of what I have accomplished by then. I was so driven by this dream that I cannot wait to fulfill in the near future. I was so lucky to have very supportive parents that allows me to continue on doing my best in life. I was so convinced that nothing could ever go wrong, and that I am taking the best path for me to achieve my goals in life.
I took up my Accountancy course in the best school in our Region. It surely was not easy to pursue a high-end course in a place where competition is a big thing. It was a place of struggles and victories, and I made it through with much confidence that I have done my best and that I am ready to face what life has to offer after graduating College. But what's next really turned my entire life 360 degrees...
Pandemic came in. It was a day turned to days, turned to weeks, and months, more months. At first, it was a breather for me to finally have my break after recently graduating from college. I thought it was like a phase that everyone experiences and then we get to go back to what it used to be. I still got my hopes up during the first month of Pandemic, I grew up as a very optimistic person with an outgoing attitude especially with what I am passionate.
Then waking up one morning, I lost my energy. Getting out of my bed became very difficult, I lost count of the days that have passed. I tried pulling myself together with what is going on, but I end up questioning what have I done to deserve all of these. I tried rationalizing things, explaining to myself that this will be over and I can continue on achieving my dreams. As someone who is used of planning ahead of time, and someone who does not make a Plan B because I push through with only one plan, this crisis really broke me and my spirit towards my dreams. It was like, I was robbed of my dream of becoming great in what I pursue on. Aside from the health risks that this pandemic poses, it as well attacks our Mental Health, something we take for granted and often ignore in our lives.
As someone who is seen to be passionate and optimistic, it was so difficult to deal with the uncertainties that this situation is causing. I tried hiding it by focusing more on what I love to do, I create artworks and write articles, and even taught myself to bake. I thought that by doing so, I would eventually move on, but it just consumed me and burning my interests in life. I thought that hiding would do it, but it ended up piling up and the weight of it is unbearable. It was the lowest that I have been my entire 20 years of existing. Most days I do nothing and pretty much sink myself scrolling on my phone the entire day.
One day, I was reminded by an old photo from our recital when I was still a kid. I recalled the moment and the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?", I pondered and asked it again to 22 year old self. I thought well of what to answer, but I want to ask myself "What do I want to do with my life right now?".
I realized, I have lived my entire life holding on to what I want to become in the distant future. I forgot to live the "now" because I was so impatient with what the universe has to offer me. I was so wrong with the concept of waiting, I was looking at a future so uncertain that I neglected what the present is giving me. A pandemic may not be the ideal time that we all are experiencing, but it surely is the best time to remind us that we all are human, we fail but we carry on with fervor. The present time that we have right now is the time that we all should slow down, a time to think and a time to open up to opportunities.
A time to appreciate what have been, to be grateful to what we have now and the time to hope for a better tomorrow. I slowly remind myself that we are defined by our pasts but we define ourselves on what we continue on believing and the good changes we are looking forward to.
We all are going through something in our lives. Coping up is a process unique to each of us, I may have coped up through the support of my family, some may find their source through friends, through what they are passionate about. What I learned is that, waiting is not based on your timeline but is related to keeping oneself rooted with the right reasons of why we do what we do in life. I am not giving up on my dream of becoming an Accountant, not now that the world needs more accountants to alleviate the impact of pandemic.
I learned that we should never stop on dreaming not just for yourself but also to dream with other people. It is when we live for others, we realize that life is not meant to be lived alone. Waiting may be a tough process, but it's not that tough when we look closer at the relationships we build and the lives we touch during the process of waiting.
You may be still in pain right now, just take time with yourself. Your pain has a reason, you will soon find it out one day at a time. Remember, your brokenness may be a breakthrough to bigger opportunities. Just be patient enough, be the source of positivity towards other people and find your source of positivity.
Especially now that the pandemic tells us to distant ourselves from one another, may we still find ways to still be one through prayer and the little kindness we show everyday. May we not grow up with so much indifference to the world, but may we grow up appreciating the process of achieving our dreams not only for ourselves but also to be shared to others.
