The Month of September 2007

We already knew she's in terminal state. But what are we going to do? Wait until she releases her last breath? The doctor advised not to tell her about the diagnosis or else she'll die early because of her heart complications. But she's in the battle, and willing to fight and win.

My sister from Dubai came home, and she wanted a biopsy so we can proceed to the next step, and what treatment our mother will undergo. We're not giving up, and wiling to fight for her life. She's at late stage of cancer, but there's a spark of home when the biopsy result stated "No malignant cells found". I was wondering how could that be. Stage 4 already yet no malignant cells. At least, there's still a hope that we can save her.

My older siblings prepared for the possible treatment, but it won't be done in our province. They rented an apartment in Metro Manila where they can stay while our mother undergoes the treatment. They found a doctor who will treat her as the wife of my father's friend suggested. It will be a daily treatment for 50 days, and another therapy with 5 sessions. It will be through intravenous.

Many times I'm crying alone. It's the first time that she'll be away for quite a long time because of the therapy. I miss her so much, and my worries never waned. I kept messaging my sister for updates. It isn't easy for my sister because there's no improvement. What even got me anxious when my sister messaged me that blood flown of her mouth.

With barely one week of stay in Manila, my mother insisted to go home. She's not getting well, instead deteriorating. Her color is not the usual. Her lively and glowing skin is gone. It's difficult to hear the words but she's slowly dying.

I remember that night while waiting for their arrival. Crying about how she looks like. The side of my brain tells me to stop hoping or it'll be in vain. But who doesn't want hope? Everyday, I have to remind myself to keep hoping, while at times be prepared what will happen next. Living in such dilemma is hard to get away.

Then they came and she was immediately brought to the room. I never bother to have a peek on her. I went upstairs and cry until I got tired, and fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I prepared myself what to expect on her. I went downstairs, prepared my face not to look sad. Headed to her room, she's sad but tried to smile. Of course, the usual encouragement that I tell her to keep fighting. Yes, she's willing to fight.

Went out of the room and let those tears flow in my face. Somehow it helps lighten the heaviness I'm carrying when I saw her state at that time.

We're still positive. The therapy which was started in Manila was continued. There are moments when she's shouting from pain in some parts of our body. No time to cry, we comfort her by rubbing that part until the hot compress was prepared. The pain wanes, and she'll calm. We told her that the treatment is working. That's what we made ourselves believe. Call it self-denial but it provided hope and slight calmness in our hearts and minds.

Her skin started to glow. Our mother has a beautiful pinkish white skin and it started to restore. She's responding well with the treatment. She can pull a joke.

There are moments when I go home for our business, and tired. I head to the room, tell her the updates. We had great conversation. It makes me happy that she can talk to us in such a way that I never seen for two months.

Once she mentioned her siblings, then I realized nobody, except for her one sister, came to visit her and gave encouragement. But what should we do? We asked them if they can come to visit, and gladly they did.

It's been a battle that we as a family fought. I can remember people who's always been there. I can remember the people who should always be there but they didn't. But I tried not to keep grudges. I don't have a time and energy for ill-feelings. I'd rather give my energy to help in taking care of her.

I am happy that we're holding on a hope after improvements are manifested. But. . .

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