Living in Fear

I remember back in the day, almost 20 years ago, that we have lived in fear that groups of men might kill us.

My uncle is a policeman then, and such job doesn't insure security. He made a lot of enemies, probably those law breakers or fellow policemen who are breaking the law. I was still very young at that time not to understand what's really happening.

21 years ago, we heard the news that my uncle was killed at the front of their house in Manila. That time, I don't really understand but seeing action movies then, it got me scared. Imagine your father getting killed at the front of your house, I feel sorry about what my cousins has felt.

My uncle's body was brought back here in the province, where he was eventually buried. Since the house we're living at that time is ancestral house, they lived for months here. Eventually, the storage area and balcony attached to the house was destroyed, and my uncle's family built the house, which we share the same wall. Yeah, it became a duplex. Currently, the lot where the ancestral house stands was already bought by my family, and I still live here with my wife.

Anyway, 20 years ago, one year after my uncle was killed, my maternal relatives came and brought us the news. They said there are groups of men asking where my uncle's family lives. Since they were addressed with our surname, we are affected.

Thus, we are instructed to deny our surname. If asked what's our surname, we should answer back with our middle name instead. The fear began because we are not allowed to go out of the house.

Going to school has been a challenge. There are thoughts that what if my classmates are asked if they knew anyone with my surname, and they point me? What if someone will kill me if I go home walking from school? Our surname is rare so it will be easy for the aggressors to find where we are.

Our front yard is wide so we used to play there back then. Since the hunting of those men at my uncle's family, it's often empty. Once we got home, we immediately go inside the house. My worry is what if someone will rain some bullets in the house, I might be dead!

Even riding the tricycle, we should be cautious. We should be taking the ride with drivers we know. We avoid talking to other people. Our life is school and house, for the older ones, work and school. Going to the market is also difficult for them. We avoid going to the park, malls, or even the beach is close to the house. We cannot celebrate special occasions. Inside the house, we are usually silent just to make it appear that no one lives in the house.

There's a door connecting our house to my uncle's family so they will pass inside our house to get into their house. When someone knocks on the door, we will ask who's that person before we'll open it. Our door has two locks.

Nightime isn't something we should be relaxed. At times, bad people attacks when everyone are calm. Thus, we should always be ready.

My worry is my family especially my mother. It's been my anxiety losing my mom so I worry a lot whenever she leaves the house for work. At night, I also worry what if someone will gun shots at our house? I have such worries. So I suggest not to have young people watch action movies because it might affect their mental health.

Several months after, it seems no one is looking for my relatives anymore. We began to go back to our normal lives. I am not sure if our ascendants made it known to the barangay captain but we're glad being protected.