This was originally posted on my FB timeline last February 15, 2020, as it was her first death anniversary. I have to be honest I really don't write much about my father during his death anniversary. I will just keep it to myself and pray. But with my mother, I am just very emotional about her especially by the time she died in my arms.
February 15, 2020
Dear Mama,
Hi Ma! Please meet your first apo, Baby Alexandre. Attached photos were (1) our trip together in Puerto Princesa, Palawan; (2) a side by side photo of baby Roxanne and baby Alexandre; (3) a photo of my baby bump in El Nido, Palawan where we (Fred and I) found out we were pregnant.
Last year, I knew you were hesitant to leave me just because I've been single for how many years. I chose to let you go and assured you I'll be fine being single or not, married or not. I can take care of myself alone so please don't worry about me.
The moment you died in my arms, reality hits me, and one thing I asked myself, "Whom am I going to ask if I'll be pregnant now that you're gone?"
Since you died, you appeared in my dreams until you and papa appeared in my dreams together during my conception time (in Bali we had no idea) until before pregnancy test confirmation (in El Nido). It was weird because I never dreamed of papa since he died in 2015. I realized that both of your appearances in my dreams had significant meaning with my pregnancy. Both of you were there for me looking after the baby inside me.
I thought baby Alexandre would be born tomorrow (Feb 16, 2020) so I really don't know what to feel after your death anniversary. But he was early and born on Feb 1, 2020.
Last year's Valentine's Day (Feb 14, 2019) was really sad about your struggles but I spent the day beside you, hugging and kissing you. I spent Valentine's Day (Feb 14, 2020) with baby Alexandre sleeping, hugging, kissing, breastfeeding, and changing diapers.
Hoping you're happy wherever you are. I am missing you every day. Please be a guardian angel to baby Alexandre.
Love,
Roxanne
Even though my mama is already gone. She has been my guardian angel. I always pray to her hoping that she would also be the guardian angel of my kids.
Before I gave birth to my second child, I prayed to her to take care of us while my husband was looking after our first child. Physically, I've been so alone in the hospital with my baby girl but I've felt she was just around.
Although I still miss her, I have accepted already that she's gone. It really took me a while to accept the reality. With Alexandre, I remember how awful I miss her that I felt my postpartum depression was getting worse. But with Elise, everything was chill and relaxed so my recovery was faster than my first.
Everyday, I miss her so much!
aww..makahilak man ta uy...