Why do I refuse to write?
Someone advised me at some point that I just have to write that I am lazy to write whenever I feel so. So here I go...
It has been a week that I have been ignoring my writing voice... I feel so frustrated. Why couldn't I just jot down those phrases formed in my mind for future writing...
And this article came in installments...
It’s been a while…
This afternoon, I promised myself to write even just an article. In my promise, I told myself that I shouldn’t get tired of writing and that I should always find time to write. Lately, or has it been a month already? Perhaps, weeks? When I try to look at the time, it has been weeks since I last wrote my article.
It was a few years ago when I fell in love with writing but even before that, I believe that I have already demonstrated showed enthusiasm when it came to writing.
In my mind, I have always let words form poetic sentences. But it was only during the last decade that I was able to finally realize what I needed to do. Yes, it has to be credited to generous poets who have shown me the way into the heaven they have always known before me.
I question myself…
Why am I not making time for writing when it has been my act of refuge in times of trouble a few years ago?
So now, even just a few paragraphs, I will not withhold myself.
When the road isn't as smooth as I want it to be
When life isn't what I wanted it to be, I run to the places where I used to hide.
Behind a book. Behind words and my self-declared poetry.
I am consoled by the beauty of the sky... When life isn't what I want it to be... I am reminiscent of my past... Of my youthful desires. Of my mistakes, of my shortcomings.
I think of how I survived when the roads were bumpy and the skies were cloudy.
Yes... I still run and hide behind books... I still hide behind words. I hide behind poetry... Though it has always been my worry, essay questions when I was still inside the classroom. Ironic but true.
Now I am back to my slumber. Taking comfort from the wisdom of the past, of elders, of wise people...
I seek the smell of the olden times, narrated in books left in the corner somewhere in the library.
I crave the rhymes and the balm of ancient poems...
I wake my pen up and I write and put down my crude craft. I become awkward writing yet I enjoy and I feel my worries dissipate.
And it is as if I do not want to be read but I do want to be read. Like a child not wanting to hold but crying for someone to hold her.
Despite everything, I am thankful. I am grateful for the comfort I always feel whenever I feel down.
When the sea is rough, I furl my sail and pray hard not to be thrown... Into the mouths of crocodiles, whales, and sharks alike.
I pray so hard not to fall so hard... To be lifted, to be helped, and to be comforted...
And yes, I am always thankful for the shoulders and arms to cry and lean on...
I am thankful for the gentle hands that guide me back to my sanity.
Because when the road of life isn't smooth as I expect it to be, I need all the help that I could take from whoever or whatever.
So no matter what, life is a gift to be fought for and lived for.
I want to take photographs, yet I am better of with the images I form in my mind that the pictures I take when I lift my phone to capture.
But I know the most important photos are of the healed hearts and the rehabilitated souls. So write if I must if it betters the quality of the pictures of life.
Someday, I will gracefully travel the road no matter how bumpy and rough it may be...
The void that was left that is inevitable
And yes I also attended a seminar. For professional growth. For learning or relearning things. To take a break from the usual. And yes, I have attended a three-day seminar. I thought it was just three days. In the end, I felt a void that was left after the event.
I was kind of come-on-and-let-us-get-this-over-with during the first day. But in the afternoon I was kind of hooked on the event. On the second day, I was enjoying myself more than on the first day.
The third day came and we painstakingly collaborated, me and my group mates, to finish the required task. We successfully pulled it through. I was glad the seminar was coming to an end.
But last night I was a little bit affected until I realized I was feeling that feeling when you left your hometown.
It was just a supposedly virtual encounter just to earn units and learn yada yada but then I was somewhat left with a hole in my heart.
I guess just a few more days and this feeling must be gone. It should be gone.
I hope to attend more training and seminars in the future. Somehow, I miss this feeling. After encountering groups of people, I have always felt this.
I am reminded of the past years. Yesteryears that I believe have molded me into who I am now. For every void that was left, friendships have been born.
I pray for my virtual friends and those co-teachers who attended the seminar. May all of us apply whatever we have learned in the three-day seminar to our classes.
Water thudding, I wake up scowling
The water drops are louder than my snore. I was awoken. Irritated and tired. I waited a few seconds. It didn't stop thudding.
Let it drop let it drop. I used my pen to talk about it. After all, I am thankful for the prompt.
Oh yes, this is indicative that I am under a roof that has holes or imperfect concrete. Yeah, my house's not finished yet so I have these episodes of annoying yet wholesome experiences.
In truth, I am not annoyed. I was scowling but that was superficial.
I am just thankful I have a roof to go under. I am not wet. I am not cold. Just a part of the roof is reminding me I just have to be thankful for what I have.
I don't attempt to silence the water thudding. Let the rain decide when it will stop. Later or in a few, the rain will let up and the thudding will stop.
Reality is but a dream
I am a bit shaky. I don't know what to write. I toggle my brain. But my heart is lonely. I try to be a poet, but my words fail me. And I can only write much as I can write.
`I don't know the reason I put the picture above. Of course, credits to Unsplash.`
I don't make an effort. To know why I am sad. I just sigh and hope for my body to make a comeback.
I lie to my soul. That reality is but a dream. You have today what you thought would be impossible. You lose what you thought you would never lose.
I dream of hermitage for the morrow. But I cannot be sure I would still be here tomorrow.
I run around once I find my world of solitude. I am looking for myself. I am looking. I keep looking. In the next moments, this world will be lost in sight. Hoping not forever.
And I look at my dirty laundry. It has put me back in the world that I keep losing.
I should be thankful. I should be grateful for my life.
Years ago I desired a certain world. But I entered the opposite. I cannot rest, I cannot do what I want. I can only do what I can.
Funny how I keep rejecting what is best for me. Now it is too late I can't go back. I can't undo what has already been done.
I have increased my liabilities while I lessened my space to breathe.
I keep doing what is not ideal for what I desire. Actually a need. Not just a desire. For who I really am I need a certain something. I need space. I need a world where no one cares because they care.
But it has already come to this. And I have to be reminded that reality is but a dream.
I should set aside all worries and I should keep living. I can just glide along the shore of the life I have. Looking atop my current world the ideal world that I wish to go to.
And I need not be bothered by the struggles. I always have the liberty I wanted. And I know what I mean. It is just that it is inexplicable.
I pray to the one above. He will heal me just because. He will love me just because. He will help me just because. I will ask for help because I am always in need.
I ask all the things I don't deserve. I am like a child who asks for grace despite my silliness. I am forever in His mercy and I will always be in His hands.
I imagine the years to come and I am wishful for a miracle to live longer.
A park to walk each day
I walked the park leading up to the place where I earn my keep. I smell the fresh air amidst the sweaty joggers of the morning.
I took out my phone to write just because I can't resist the urge. None of the enforcers are present at the moment.
I let out a breath of happiness. I pause for a while while I lower my mask. Wearing a mask is optional in non-crowded places with enough ventilation.
I continue writing while I am still in the park. A few more walks and I will be gone from this place.
There are no onlookers. Or I am just unaware. Oh, my heart jumped. Someone thought I was waiting for someone. I had to move on from the park lest someone does something to someone.
I have to keep my phone now and just focus first on walking.
I have arrived at my workplace. I opened my laptop first and saved the files from it to my flash drive device. I will be printing documents after I eat a light meal at the canteen.
I had a great time earlier walking at the park. It instantly prompted me to write something which isn't forced on me. That was so natural if the enforcers were there, they would have cautioned me about using my phone while walking in the park.
Next time I will first find a safe spot to write if ever I will be prompted to write like a while ago.
I thank the good Lord...
Peace be with us all.
Tomorrow let us walk the park again in coming to work!
The photo above is from Unsplash. It quite resembles the park I walked in today.
A mobile Saturday
I did nothing this day. I just washed the clothes using a washing machine. I rinsed them and put them on the spin dry.
I put them out to dry. But had to get them inside the house when it rained prematurely for the day.
I then fed my kids and ate dried fish with my sibling who happen to come by my house.
After doing some dishes, I took a bath. And decided to buy sustenance at the nearby barangay. I bought chicken and pork. Then some veggies to go with the meat.
I returned home. I bet it was time to cook dinner. I started preparing the ingredients. I minced the garlic and prepared the carrots, beans, bell pepper, and cabbage. I sliced half kg of pork. I then heated the pan and cooked everything.
While the meat was being sauteed, I soaked bihon. It was just soft enough when I mixed it in the viand.
I fed the kids again. Ate some bowls and realized I did a lot.
It has been a mobile Saturday and I enjoyed moving and doing something for my family.
My hubby came home a few hours later and I served his meal as well.
I was already sleeping but someone interrupted my sleep. I felt it was a sign that I was due for another article so here I wrote about my mobile Saturday. I hope you enjoyed my piece!
What if I wake up and my illness is gone?
What if one day I wake up to a perfectly healthy body? No fluid retention, gout is gone, BP back to normal.
Will I still do the things that I have always done?
Will I change?
Will I reflect on mistakes and filter my bad habits?
But then, I know this will not just simply go away.
But then again, living in misery, affected by all the syndromes isn't a good way to keep living.
I will wake up and live as if there are no ailments. But preparing for the possibility of the worst.
I will live my life positively and gratefully. Thankful for every added day to my life. Thankful for every joyful moment.
If I could wish a single wish, that would be being able to impart good discipline to my offspring.
It is not linear but I believe with patience I will be able to do it.
And if there is an additional wish, that would be, being able to smile and accept what life has to offer.
Meanwhile, let us live life while we can!
In life, we also need to know how to spot the danger and go to safety
I go out and I get lost. And I feel overwhelmed by the volume of the things I realize. I oftentimes become unaware of the negative effects of my getting lost in the crowd.
So when I realize the dangers of such, I get wary of a lot of things. But yes, I try not to get too consumed by negativity.
But much as I would like not to be devastated by insignificant things that become very significant, I still get mixed up in the crowd and I needed to breathe every so often.
I am very glad that I get to realize that I fight the different urges that I have. Like the urge to shout and cry because in the past days I got so bad dealing with my inferiority complex.
I hate this complex that I just had the chance to hear about when my college teacher noticed it. And I believe that it is our kind that gets affected most by these emotional battles.
I want to promise myself that I shouldn't overthink things and that I should keep my cool.
Keeping my cool isn't my style at all but I still try 'cause I have no choice.
When I don't keep my cool though, I get the feeling that I am getting lost in my thoughts sinking into the chaos of the crowd and I go home feeling weary and tired.
Not all the time but most of the time.
I, therefore, lock myself inside my house and wait for the chaos to stop.
I think I became stronger after all the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt. And I always look for danger signs so I could rescue myself from harm.
I go out again and I may get lost but I try to find my way always.
In conclusion, I try not to think too much and I go back to always reflecting and doing healthy things in my life...
I think, one of the most applicable pieces of advice in my life is always going along the positive way.
No matter how toxic life is, no matter how dangerous journeys are, no matter what, there will always be things that make life better and bigger.
But of course, we always need to be cautious no matter how seemingly good the situation is.
What is the right way to live?
Caution: Ahead is just jumbled thoughts and nonsensical ramblings... Skip if you are in a hurry :-)
To wake up each morning, brush one's teeth, take a bath, scrub the dirt away from the body, dress appropriately, wear the right shoes, and walk gracefully...
I am thinking, is such the ideal way to live one's life? If I repeatedly do such every single day, will I have lived a proper life?
Go to work, do one's job properly. Answer the telephone when it rings. Finish the papers. Make a report. Greet the boss. Greet the colleagues. Send what needs to be sent.
At the end of the day, we did our responsibilities. Is it the right way to live?
Perhaps, it is. Doing the right things at the right time to let the world see that we are sane. To not make anyone worry about us.
Then there's the concern for one's health... To not get sick. To try to adhere to healthy ways of living... Always trying not to go above the limit. Like with salt, sugar, or other condiments.
But what now? In the end are we happy?
I understand that an edged person doesn't have the time to think about all this.
And yours truly shouldn't even be in a position to talk about such things. If anything, I should be nailed to my desk, living the ideal life that I am saying.
Doing one's responsibilities and obligations
Caring for one's health
Planning what to do for the next day
Trying to be careful not to mess up
But I am here... Writing and all... Not living what I am describing here.
There was a time when I promised myself not to think about unnecessary things. That all I should do is try to get by for the next day.
I shouldn't sit relaxed in here. But maybe, this is a part of all of human life. Having time to think for oneself. To deliberate, and breath. And do responsibilities more responsibly than ever.
I ask myself how one should live. But I don't have a clear answer to my question. I try to reason out or philosophize. But I guess my knowledge is barely enough.
I sat down at the intersection yesterday. Viewing humans pass by. Not thinking of anything serious. When at last I breathed a sigh of relief.
I am glad I am neither too happy nor too sad. Just the right emotion to keep me in place.
For now, I will be a good girl. The usual good girl we know from way back. And I will be a good adult. Responsible, kind, patient, gentle.
Almost a year ago, I jumped down a dark pit. I wanted to evaporate and vanish. Yet I can't leave just like that. Just because I have a family to take care of.
Then I prayed so hard that I will be lifted from the pit. To get away from the dark. So I will just be able to live a modest life.
I was utterly bewildered by the harshness of reality. And so I promised myself to just be neutral when I get helped.
Thankfully, He let good people have mercy on me. I was helped. But now here I am thinking of things like this.
I guess I have to reevaluate my goals. There are a lot of contradictions going on inside.
What indeed is the right way to live? Or what are the important values?
Humility?
Kindness?
Patience?
Gentleness?
Gratefulness?
I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the above. I wish I could always be benevolent. But time and again I go back to my comfort zone.
If there is a right way to live, I guess it is too dazzling for me. I have to close my eyes a bit to lessen its blinding effect.
I have to wash my clothes. Patiently, painstakingly, I will do what I can while I can.
Or I am not believing my words...
Let me just go back to being carefree. Not to become irresponsible but to forget about worries and just focus always on the sunnier side.
Worry is a big blunder in attaining happiness in one's life. Why? It makes us depressed or sad and takes away the joy in what we are doing.
Worrying for a while is healthy but too much of worries are sickening. We should then strive to lead a life that is both carefree and responsible. And most of all, positive.
***Photo from Unsplash***
Thank you!
Feeling invisible
Plants have seasons to bear fruits. Weather changes. Crops produced depend upon the season. So are people, they have their seasons.
But for an eccentric person like me, I always wanted to somehow attract something for myself. Not that I need such things but for some reason, I seek attention.
A few years ago though, I decided to stay away from the limelight. I drove myself out of the circle of colleagues or friends.
And did I like it?
I don't think so. I may just want to go away from obligations, from responsibilities but I didn't expect I wasn't alright with it.
Until recently, these days, I have the feeling of being invisible. I should like it as I have driven away so many dear people. Yet I didn't like it. In all honesty, I like to kind of feel special wherever I go.
I may just be in denial for the longest time. In truth, I wanted to be cherished, be loved, be prioritized once in a while...
Yet I am doing what I can to be invisible as much as possible. And I feel hurt when they realize what I want.
Going back to my first line, there are seasons indeed for everything. Or biblically, there is a time for everything.
Most importantly, there are many times that a person needs to be the most patient. To wait for the time. For the right time. To wait until the due time has come.
One should understand that the world contains gazillions of creatures. And we aren't the only ones who need something. There are so many of us.
I have to wake myself up every once in a while. I should know that a lot more people are in dire need than I and I didn't have to feel negativities that would lead me to depression or sadness.
I should know better. I should act more maturely. I should instead try to inspire more people.
The feeling of being invisible I guess is just self-made. I wasn't invisible at all. Perhaps, others are looking up at me.
And if ever some are looking down, I shouldn't be concerned about them at all. I should be more concerned with those people who see the good in me and tries to emulate the pleasant things I do.
I shouldn't feel invisible. Yet I can't help but feel as if nobody cares at all. I guess this is also a season of life. There is a time that we feel this way.
And what should we do?
Should I just listen to music? Should I just sleep all day? Should I sing and post on social media? Should I shout somewhere far?
Or should I forget about all my qualms and just focus on the basics?
It's crazy! I tell you... Yet people are so fickle. So absent-minded. We are ingrates. Unless someone makes us realize our existence. Unless we are made to realize our worth.
Perhaps, the contrasting feelings that we feel are what make us humans after all. Otherwise, when we feel numb and unfeeling, it goes on to say that we are either very hurt or just plain evil.
I will then be very grateful that I am not okay with being invisible. I care about others after all. I am normal after all. I belong to the human race after all.
My friend, if you do feel invisible as well, then maybe we should start approaching others and making friends.
I was friendly. And that was six hundred years ago. I don't know what made me change a lot.
Frustrations, rejections, being made to do what I wasn't supposed to do, hurt, etc... might be some of the reasons why I decided to change so much.
And so I needed to reevaluate myself. I should go back to the circle. Of course, I should choose the healthy one. It would be foolish to be foolish. Choosing what we know would destroy us.
Feeling invisible... We should be grateful after all that we are still caring individuals.
Bow!
Preparation in almost everything--a must for me
To not take things for granted is a resolution that has been crossing my mind every once in a while.
I told myself that it should not be a one-year goal or a two-year goal. It must be a lifelong practice. It should be integrated into my day-to-day activities.
However, as often as it crosses my mind, I keep forgetting the real deal. Implementing it in my life is a lot harder than I thought.
I sometimes let days pass losing the purpose of my existence. At times, I even drown in sadness forgetting my worth as a person.
Life is not easy. Or not. Or it is indeed hard. They say it is all in the mind. But I know that it is complicated as it is also very simple.
There will be times when the mind is willing but the body is weary. There will also be times when the body is in good condition yet the soul is too unwilling.
Yet there will be days when the person realizes what he or she must do. And in my case, I just have to plan things out. Every single thing if I can. I must. Else, I might just lose my mind.
I know in myself that I am not a random person. I always needed preparation for everything. I had to write things down.
On the scrap papers, I have piled for myself to use.
On the pieces of paper, I have cut way before then set aside. Instead of stick-it papers, I cut my 2x2 and then set them aside on the corner of my table.
In the notebooks that I carry with me wherever I go except when my bag isn't needed.
I need time for deliberation. Even fantasizing so it serves as my guide when the time comes.
I don't feel happy right now. But I know that I should be beaming with delight. For the graces bestowed upon me. For the refuge. For all the good things.
And to be able to sort things out, I had to meditate and have time for thinking things out. I needed to sort my feelings. I needed to see what is making me unhappy as I am right now.
I just believe that life has so many good things to offer. In my case at least. I could see good things around me. And unpleasant things that I notice could be driven away.
I will plan to make my life better. I will not give up on my life. I will move forward. Even move on if I must.
Most of the time before, I throw the paper out that I have already used. This time, I will try to keep every schedule that I made. If not, I will log them to save on could not keeping paper clutters in my place.
Now that I am writing this, I know I won't be as sad as I am now tomorrow.
When I feel nostalgia, I take advantage of it. This is one of the times that I just feel like writing and I thought of writing this.
Indeed, I need preparation.
What will I wear tomorrow?
What will I do first tomorrow?
How will I execute what I had planned so far?
How much time should I spend drinking hot water in the morning?
What will I do to reduce the cost of the dress that I will wear? How will I combine my clothes to look better?
So much planning to do. And yes, contingency plans as well... Just in case, just in case.
I hope I will always remember this resolution. It is one of the most important strategies in my life.
Instead of complaining that I have nothing to wear, might just as well plan what I can wear in the following days.
The budget may be too tight but I can manage for as long as I will plan.
Instead of complaining about why I look the way I look, I should plan my exercise routine to be able to look fit and healthy.
If I were more honest with myself, I also want to look good in every picture that is taken. The only way to do so is by keeping in shape.
Making sense of a coffee-less life
A coffee-less life... Bow!
Have you ever been addicted to coffee? And suddenly, you needed to quit and should not have a sip forever?
I know, I know. The feeling of helplessness. While the rest are radiantly beaming with euphoria sipping their coffees here and there, there you are candidly declining anybody inviting you for a cup.
Well, I shouldn't romanticize. I know I just shouldn't. Health comes first. In my unfortunate case, I should not be drinking coffee at all.
It should be okay by now. I can get by even without it. Perks are having more sleep and not palpitating needlessly.
Just some of the things I missed were taking coffee early in the morning and defecating right after. Coffee has served as a laxative for me.
And of course, it has given me a little boost during depressive times. But then there is an issue, a health issue, which is why I needed to stop taking caffeinated drinks altogether.
Hoping in time that we'll be allowed again, though there is a very very low chance of it.
Uplift yourself when you're down
Have you ever felt down for no particular reason? As if you are being pulled down by an unknown force?
It dawned on me that I have been having self-pity. It has stemmed from the fact that I have not been feeling good about myself for I don't know how long already.
Honestly, I don't see the same person in the mirror a few years ago. And I keep wondering why that has had a significant impact on me.
I don't feel any excitement in almost anything.
Just a moment ago, I confronted the fact that I keep feeling low about myself. Why? Why should I be torturing myself like this? Why shouldn't I fight back?
I then decided to put a stop to my wimpy self. Fight! Don't succumb to negativities! You deserve to feel beautiful no matter what, I tell myself. You should work to get in shape if you are so much bothered by how you look, I added.
True enough, I had to get in shape. At least it will give me a lot of benefits and advantages.
I thank the one above, not only during the dark times that I should seek Him but every moment of my life. Go away devil who always pulls me down.
Triumph over these negative spirits! Keep fighting! Keep the faith, keep the passion for the things you love! Keep living vibrantly!
I almost cried when I realized how I have not been putting myself in better regard. I deserve something better! I should always love myself as much more than I could love others.
I need to always guard myself against vulnerabilities. Otherwise, I may again wake up to find myself dispirited away. I need to keep waking myself.
I will keep writing, it's what this shortening is telling me
But I will keep writing. I am triggered. Not my choice but I have no choice. I should keep writing because life is too short to pause writing.
Though my heart is weary, my soul is beaming with inexplicable delight. Why am I so lucky to be preparing for a grand departure?
Yes, I am so lucky indeed. I get to think freely about departing. What should I leave behind? What should I erase? What should I fix? What should I pass on? And so many things that I would sort out first before leaving.
Those with life in their bodies ought to continue living. Those who are due for departure must let go of everything and think of what he or they must pass down as a legacy.
Yours truly must keep on writing. How I wish I could go on an eternity of reading and absorbing what great minds had to write.
This afternoon I was wondering what my colleague was reading. She told me there were free copies outside in the lobby.
I frowned. Why didn't I see the beautiful books that are even handed out for free. Really, I told myself. Huh! Honestly, it is what I get from not looking around. Anyway, at least I was able to rush outside and there were still so many copies.
I opened my newly acquired copy and there I saw so many poems. Some so hard to understand and some very smooth read and poetic and all.
I was inspired more to write. I lack so much vocabulary I know but I can work with what I have and when I do not know what word to use then I can research by then for the appropriate word.
To dream under the tree like in the drawing left behind a long forgotten table
It is coming to an end. But that is a 'perhaps.' Just a 'perhaps.' Life is coming to an end and I feel sorry for my dreamy self.
How about that drawing left forgotten somewhere in the old house? It lay there. Perhaps it has already been taken out, burned, or used for something worthy.
A tree grew out of sunny soil and under the shades, lie someone, dreaming of the distant world. It is hazy now. I wasn't even able to do something like that. But just the feeling of dreaming in that way is nostalgic.
At least it brings something good to warm the cold soul. I may never do something like that but it will forever stay in my poor memory.
I try to draw once more but my indulgence is getting the best out of me. I won't try to draw again. It is best left somewhere in my old place.
Tell my mother I tried my best. Tell my father I am sorry. Most of all, tell my children to always think of me.
I did my worst while I could do my best. I ignored the sage's advice and left with half-cooked eggs. I returned with bruises and I totally broke my pride.
I didn't play much with my children but left behind horrible hobbies. I hope they will get the good ones from the things I tried to show them. I hope they will learn to read and love to write. What more is there to love than reading and writing?
But even I have only shown them that I watch stupid things. But to be fair to the producers they were all great entertainment pieces. I shouldn't say they were stupid because I have laughed and cried as well. It is unfair to not appreciate.
Perhaps, a day will come when they will dream under a shady tree. And see life as a magnificent thing.
I wish I could row the boat farther. But I know it will be in just a few years, perhaps months or weeks that I will be able to stay. But there might come a miracle and I will be more than thankful if I will be spared.
And while there is life left in me, while the pain is bearable, I will go on dreaming under that shady tree. Even if it is a fantasy to have such a tree. I can always put myself under it anywhere I am.
I wish this were just a whimsical charade that I will open my eyes and it was all just a dream writing something like this.
I feel colder inside by the day and I do not know if I will be able to get out of this. I refuse to be put in light of charity and the like. I will fight for my life in my own way.
I already drained my tasty cup, too soon but now I'm done
I didn't realize how fast I was drinking my cup. I drained it before I know it. And now, I am so done. There will be consequences for sure and I guess I have to live with them.
Stubborn heart, playing deaf, not going along the safe zone. I did all and had all those... Now, I have to suffer the consequences of my actions.
If only I could have another cup... But I know that there will be no refills. I just wish there was. I could cry but there is no use doing that. Too late. All I can do is enjoy the remaining desserts and get healthy foods on my plate. Otherwise, I will accelerate the worse.
I choose not to despair over such a matter. What's done is done, my mind screams to my soul. Don't panic, you'll just make it worse.
So I stay poised amid what I brought myself into.
Stop digging more holes. Stay on the ground and walk the earth, I advise myself. Good that I am at last listening to myself.
Life is great if we make it. Forgive, forget, and start anew. You may not have a refill of your tasty drink but there is always water. Appreciate water, there will be unlimited refills. That would be more than enough.
Rest first somewhere quiet. Remove the dress, and put on more comfortable clothes. It's time for sleep. Don't you think?
I went straight into the mouth of doom
If I valued my happiness and not others, I wouldn't have gone straight into the mouth of doom.
Waking up always trying to feign that I am okay...
Walking without confidence, shoulders down and eyes sighing. If eyes ever sigh...
Smiling with a lot of reservations...
Putting an act each night when needed...
Why would you choose this kind of life? I ask myself. And neither I nor the audience air could answer.
I wake up every day with half-baked happiness. And I never wanted a half-cooked thing.
I dress to at least not make it obvious but even my passion for fashion was gone.
No more flashy styles, not caring whether I dress well or not.
The life in me is gone and what makes me go on is the fact that I was the one who started this.
And I can't just withdraw even if I wanted it so badly. I can't go back to my decision.
I've already plunged myself into the mouth of doom and going back will only mean hell.
Moving forward is the best thing to do. One day or another, I might just find a way to exit. But when I go out, I will have to bring with me the lives that I have affected.
There is no reason to sulk over spilled milk.
I can just go on lying. Perhaps I should stop lying. Perhaps I will stand up for what I want no matter how hard it is.
But then I messed up in the beginning, to begin with. And now I am a coward if I just run away from the things I have started.
Like always, after remembering all the regrets, I look to the positive side and smile through my sadness.
There is poetry after all. Although I am a poor poet, for now, the time will come when I will gather all the words I need.
And mine will all be the riches of my ambiguous world in poetry.
It is just ironic how one can craft a masterpiece in the dark. Or am I wrong? Perhaps I am but I see people being able to develop best in darkness.
But that prospect alone would not get me out of my reservations of going straight into the mouth of unhappiness and lies.
I look beyond and if I am ever permitted, I would transcend what the thinkers think, I would transcend my closed doors.
At the very least, I am a believer in fate and reason. There might just be something waiting for me at the end of the road or along with it.
Now with confidence every once in a while, I should walk with my eyes clear and confident, shoulders square and proud, and aura that of a refreshed one.
If I don't do something with my fate, who will?
We can always win amid our defeat. We can beat our foolishness and try to mold the remaining clays of our fate.
Have I grown tired of you, my love?
I so wanted to write stuff these past few days. The problem is I was emptied. For whatever reason, those seemingly endless thoughts I have had before that I can't wait to bring on paper disappeared.
So I thought that I will just simply write. And here goes my ramblings.
I just put my fingers on my phone and started typing.
I do admit that I didn't have readings recently. Those that I have read were just a few pages of some ebooks.
I failed to understand their meanings and I reluctantly let them go. What sense is there in reading those books if I lost interest in what they wanted to say?
Honestly, I am alienated by the changes in my preference. If before I was in love with talking nonstop about my love for philosophy, now no more.
Once I can't grasp the idea, I frown and move on. Unlike before that I read and reflect until I get the meaning.
I would think about it night and day until I can comprehend it. That may be because the love for the topic is there.
Have I grown tired of my love? If not, what is this?
I used to approach colleagues who were interested in philosophy and logic. I would ask for resources on what to read. I would pester some chat mates just to get their opinions.
It's not that I have no convictions but I am just open to suggestions and I would willingly listen to what they would say.
I usually don't openly tell people my mind unless an idea is obviously relevant and logical. Otherwise, I keep my thoughts to myself and just speak my mind somewhere.
Like here, I just write even if I know that my topics aren't that popular or very interesting to many.
But just maybe, a virtual friend out there is willing to read and resonate with me. Just a person is more than enough.
Going back, I am wondering what made me grow tired of what I used to love.
Maybe I have been influenced by fads or trends nowadays that I am beginning to deviate from what I used to engage in.
This may be a good thing. I can just explore other areas hoping that in time, I will go back to my old self.
I hope this is just a detour so that I will come back to my home more loving and passionate.
It's not only the books that I read that have changed, I noticed that I was starting to like foods that have been out of my palate before.
It is a different story I believe when it comes to food. Healthy food preferences are much more valuable than anything.
We have to remember that our body is the vessel for our soul, hence we have to take care of it.
I should check what I eat and not just be influenced by junk fads in the food industry.
I just hate myself sometimes that despite my idealism, I tend to not live with the ideals that I nurtured in myself. I believe they are sound and logical.
But of course, life is not that simple after all. It's okay to deviate, to eat junk, to do down the path unknown to us. What is important is that we should always have self-evaluation so that in the end, we choose what will be best for us.
And we shouldn't say that we have grown tired of our love. Be that a material thing, people, or ideals.
It is Sunday. It's been months since I have not gone to church. I have lost my faith in my church. Not that I blame them. It's just that I am searching for something.
I am searching for the right thing. For the truth.
My first religion is Roman Catholic. Now I don't know where I should go. I don't have a religion if we base it on the nber of times and days I wasn't practicing my religion.
The word 'religion' to begin with is something that we must do religiously. And not practice intermittently.
But it is not to sayyy that I do not believe in Him. I believe in Him. And I earnestly pray that I will find what I am looking for.
The pain is there even if it is not too much
I sinned unto myself by enjoying much of life. No, abusing is the more appropriate word. I have abused life's pleasures.
And now I am suffering the consequences of my actions. The pain stays after the pleasure.
I am bearing as much as I could. But I know it won't be long for complications to come. Still, I am hoping for a good prognosis.
I am sad. Too sad it ends this way. But I've got to fight, oh, please, self!!!
And I ask, why me? I was trying my best to change. To be a good girl. But I've done a lot of damage already.
If I had known, I would just have stayed a hermit and never got curious. I know better the consequences of things. But I was lured anyway.
Lured so far away that I couldn't believe I deviated so far from my road of life. I deviated from my desires that would have done me better.
Life is so precious to waste yet I didn't think wisely. And I don't want to spend a fortune on useless things.
But then, I have to spend much now that it has come to this. I should then think about what is for the best.
Insurance. I think I should avail of its benefits. I have just messaged my underwriter and we are going to talk by Thursday.
At least whatever happens to me I have my insurance to run to. At least, I won't feel stressed so much because I have an insurance policy.
But I needed to make sure that I am not relying on false hope so I am going to consult with my insurer.
Here is to hoping for the best!
Pain pain go away, don't come back another day, your poor old soul want it away.
Time for an exercise
If you're thinking about jogging or running, you're quite wrong. I am referring to writing with pen and paper.
It's been a long time since I have done this. Two weeks or just a few days without writing like this is all already considered a long time for me.
My writing's quite unsteady and I can't make it look good but I know that it will get better in time. Given that I will continue doing this. Hoping so.
I was so used to typing on computers and other devices. I am missing the old way of doing things.
Buying a paper, buying a pen to my liking, trying my very best to write legibly, it's just so heavenly.
Oh, that is quite a term. Heavenly. But you see, I am in bliss doing it.
I remember the younger years when we get pleased just by what we write on paper.
Those SLAM books, whatever those were, I remember them making me happy.
I am yet to see my children do the same thing. But I guess times have changed. I will just tell them about it hoping they will also resort to physically writing when they needed a break from phones and other gadgets.
I am writing now and well...
It is funny that I could see my penmanship resembling that of my doctor.
No offense meant, Dr. Lee, but I am telling just but the truth. Look...
As you can see, I write like a doctor. Again, no offense meant to our great doctors out there.
I don't even know where to put my crosses and dots. Letters as t and i. Anyway, it is so good to write with pen and paper again.
I feel powerful when writing. I feel good even if my right hand hurts a bit.
Even if my penmanship looks bad, I am still proud I could write. Having the pleasure to write is more than enough.
For the time being, I am using the stack of papers that I have accumulated over the years--exam questionnaires, my children's old notebooks, areas on papers that are still clean and cut out, and many more sources.
I can also be creative sometimes, you know! Putting them beautifully together and creating a new writing material. Use of paste, scotch tapes, and staplers.
Just that I am not comfortable sharing what I do with 5-minute crafts videos. Something like that.
I still also have a lot of ballpens left to use.
I personally like going to bookstores rather than fashion stores. I don't necessarily always buy books.
I go there when I want to buy school or office supplies.
When I write, I can just choose between pens or pencils.
I just wish writing like this could burn more calories. Just saying. Hehe.
Seriously, I needed to regain my love for the things I have been doing before.
I hate it that I have succumbed to the temptations of dramas and series. They should be consumed in moderation.
But there were times that I got addicted. I had to slap my face to stop.
Or yeah, if we are quite creative, we can just review them to bridge the entertainment and writing activities.
Aha, I may just as well do movie reviews and series reviews. All for a hobby. Why not?
Watching with a purpose. Practice is the key, I guess.
Hmmm... I then need to deliberate how I am going to lay out my movie reviews.
After joining this platform, I have allowed my domain names to expire and be available for selling to willing buyers.
Anyway, I will just obtain a new site with free platforms.
But of course, I should not forget my objective of using those as my writing exercises.
One advantage of laying things out on physical paper is that you won't easily lose access to your work.
We can't avoid having connectivity issues and having bugs on our devices.
Though of course, we can back things up via the cloud.
Stillll there are more notable advantages of having a back up. The original version could already be considered as the printed draft.
We will have to see how we can do the plan.
For now, I will continue writing physically.
Almost
I almost bid goodbye. To this writing journey. To this platform.
Luckily, there are these magical moments I could cling to for dear writing's life.
At dawn, when the night meets day...
In the afternoon when I think of the beautiful sun while I sit near the window or glass wall.
During the quiet of the night when most call it a day and rest and sleep.
Right now that I suddenly have a title on my mind.
I almost bid goodbye. Luckily I am one lucky gal.
The blank page has not given up on me.
Such a poor rich writer. So much that she wants to express, but always looking for words to use.
Always feels down when writer's block's on her way.
I almost bid goodbye, but it has called me back in time.
Starting afresh. This is one such good moment.
I thank the one above, for caring for me. Even when I have almost given up.
Let's keep it short. No need to worry.
Tomorrow or the next moment, let's gather more sense and come here again.
Fading into oblivion
Faint. It is no longer that strong. I begin to not see it that frequently anymore.
I become helpless to the prospect of having it as reality. If only I can realize it...
But the limitations hold me back. The reality holds me back.
If I had the liberty, then I would've done it long ago.
Until I noticed the dream fading into oblivion.
It can't be helped if it will be gone forever.
Yet here I am, wishing I could hold on to it. Make it alive even just in my thoughts.
But fade if you must. If that is the wish of the universe. Go your way into nothingness.
Who am I to hold on to you?
What good will it give me if I realize the thoughts?
Let it fade. Let it be. Let it go. I shouldn't care anymore.
Because why should I care when I do not have the liberty to act it out anyway...
Yet I wish for the out-of-the-world chance that I will be able to do what I wanted to do.
Little by little it is fading away...
Into nothingness...
Into the realm of darkness. Or not.
I am torn between holding on to it and letting it all go.
Then a thought occurs, I can just not think about it. And I dare myself. Then I say, no! I have to hold on. Then I dare myself again.
In the end, I just let what happens to happen.
I noticed for some moments I lose it. But when I become conscious of it I ask myself if I really do not need it.
I have no qualms. I shouldn't have. But my heart is sad. Though my mind says it is just but right.
I can't decide once and for all...
If it goes into oblivion, I might as well drown my heart that is very sad and gloomy in misery... If that is what should be...
Paying the high price for being indulgent and a loner
Perhaps, it is a costly lifestyle to be a loner. Most of the restaurants that I go to are those that offer expensive food and services.
I don't like people-packed places. I don't mean to spend dearly either. It's just that I feel healthier when I dine at well-served places.
Checking my wallet, I think it is best to simply build an office at home, adorn it with proper adornment, and design it so I could go well to my liking.
I can also just put up a sign that I am having classes especially if I didn't want to be disturbed.
The problem is I am a bit indulgent. In combination with my laziness, I couldn't set myself to do what I wish to do.
I let time pass without realizing what I need to do to attain my goal.
I go back to being a regular at someplace else.
Seriously, this is impractical and foolish.
Perhaps, I have just branded myself with such adjectives to keep me from painstakingly making wise decisions and practical solutions.
That is indeed indulgent behavior.
As they say, we have to be careful with the words we use to describe ourselves.
I have already paid a great price. It may be worth it somehow, having my head work well when dining In such places.
But then there are a lot of cheaper and more practical options.
I own my house. I have all the freedom in this world to design my workplace in the house.
I have all the freedom to plan how I can remedy these whims.
I can do it with will and determination.
But then...
Old habits die hard.
I can attest to that.
Looking back, I can do better when I gain inspiration from inspiring people.
Ironically, a loner needs a company as well.
Good company. A good influence to be more specific.
So maybe, I am a choosy one instead of a loner. But it's quite hard to categorize so let me stick first to the word loner.
And yes, a loner wanting good company to let her break through bad habits. Bad habits die hard so I need all the help I can get.
I sometimes realize though that we are social creatures after all.
Even after feeling glorious for most of the time that I was alone, there were instances when I would feel awkward being on my own.
Sometimes, I also feel pain when I am alone.
It's still complicated to explain.
Maybe, I will also do some reverse psychology on myself. I will tell myself that I am diplomatic and that I can. Maybe not.
Geez, no matter what I do or say or promise to myself, I still am bonded to the old. Old habits die hard indeed.
I know I will go on with this kind of spending but I will do my best to cut down on my expenses.
As for my self-declared indulgence and being a loner, I know that somehow along the way, I will be able to have a more positive and more reinforcing description of myself than being indulgent and a loner.
I will slow down writing here for a while
It's not that I don't have time because we can always make time. But yeah, that is it, I probably cannot make time to write every single day here.
Hence I may just publish once in a while. For times I can, I will publish every day. For times I can't, I will not force it out on myself.
I have consumed so much energy and I needed to relax for a bit.
Thank you for your support so far.
The game of life
Life sure is not that easy.
Why does the letter ‘o’ in the English alphabet have to have the same shape as the number zero?
But people are not that worried either. They seem to be alright with the scenario. Can we just distinguish between the number zero and letter o? Or maybe, I am just the one who is not so particular here.
Maybe, the slimmer figure is the number while the more rounded shape is the letter o. Ah… whatever…
Life sure is not that easy.
When I receive transaction codes, tracking numbers or what, I hate the combination of letters and numbers especially if either zero or letter o is present.
But wait, there also is the small letter l and the capital letter I. Can you actually distinguish the two when you are just looking with naked eye? As if there is a microscope for it. Well, there is, you can copy the letters and paste them in a word processor and change the font style into somethin that supports the big letter I with horizontal lines on top of the vertical line and on the bottom.
Even in a multiple-choice test, there is more to it than just picking letters from A, B, C, D, or E. oh, but this is another story.
Of course, of course, I know… That goes without saying that we should always be discerning. But in difficult circumstances, we really have to be careful.
And here I am, just complaining for as long as i wanted. And what can I do? I have no alternative. Maybe, this is just the game of life. There is no easy way out. We have to make an effort, we have to live. We have to work hard.
And those who fail to verify, those who fail to research, those who just give up, those who get annoyed, they lose. And they really lost it.
In this world full of different kinds of people, it is a way to detect or uncover phony people. This could as well come as a trick to discover whether someone is true or not.
But then, here I am again, still complaining why it has to be the case. Can we just let capital letter i be different from the small letter l? So that my problem will be solved?
I think I will just have to have some self pity for a while. Because my problem is so hard. Or i am just too lazy to verify things.
I mean, I am too lazy to deal with bad people. I am too lazy to deal with things that require a lot of work. Or maybe not.
Then again, the letter o and number 0… I like it when someone puts a slash on the number zero. It is like theta. But I like that better than getting confused if it is zero or letter o.
And here come the number 1 and number 7. Sometimes, people make it crazier by writing ambiguously. And I love those who put slash across the number 7, just to make sure it doesn’t get confused with 1. Because you see, I thought 1 should resemble letter l, but then maybe, those concerned people made it a little more different so it would not be confused with letter l. But the number 7 though…
Sometimes, I sit in the middle of somewhere and think about all these small things and I see them as really really a big deal.
These things shouldn’t concern someone like me alright. But it gives more work than one could imagine. Hence, I am really bothered and worried and let us say, annoyed at the same time.
But well, let me just be thankful that letters and numbers, their representations were invented. Otherwise, it will really be a hell lot of work.
So basically, I am just complaining a little bit. And I am thankful after all the complaining.
Scratch the negativities. There are more things to be thankful about than to complain or worry.
But then, this is life. And life is like a game.
Forever sigh
What will I do? What should I do? I've set my eyes, and they are on you.
Shed light on my path. Meet my eyes and show me your heart.
I will not cry but I will forever sigh. Show me mercy and lighten my day.
But...
What will I do with you? You are unattainable.
What will I do with myself?
Should I demonstrate, for you to compensate? All these headaches and pains, I cannot do without you...
I'll use the pen as my spear and gear, to battle with the pain even if in the first place there was no gain.
I will also do good with songs, with music and dance, to drive the loneliness away and I won't be here to stay.
I'll go where I can see myself as an outsider. I will live life and wait at the gate. Until you pass me by, until your eyes see mine.
Cry but I will not let you
This little girl's using her tears to get what she wants. It makes me mad.
A while ago upon waking up, she saw the cellphone that was left on top of the side table and she began asking for it so she would watch it on YouTube.
No, it is still too early, I told her. But then she cried and wailed as if it would be so magic for her.
It's time you stop using your silly tears to get what you want.
I let her be. She cried more until she noticed that I wasn't budging.
She just cried some more holding her pelvis and I let her urinate in the bathroom. Then she stopped crying as if nothing happened.
She knew she was defeated. She went to see her brother and they played waiting for the sun to fully come out.
I don't plan to give her the phone for the day. She will just write and draw on paper. I think that is for the best. Just like the old times in our days when we were younger.
I hope we will be consistent in what we do to her so she won't be confused later on.
Happiness
Do I believe myself? Yes, I do. I am just so happy! Why am I happy? Because I have a new laptop!
Yes, this is in some way a silly expression but I am really happy. Haha!
I can't contain it so I am expressing it here.
I will be in denial if I don't admit that gadgets make me happiest on some days.
Of course, this is not the only kind of thing that makes a person happy but you know, after all the restraint that I have put on myself, I have finally allowed myself to buy this!
And I am glad it made me smile from ear to ear.
What really makes me love this thing is that I can finally communicate well with my students.
This morning, because I was using an excellent device, the lagging and time delay was minimized to have a better interaction with students.
Also, I now have access to the best word processor in the whole world! I am exaggerating because for months I have been very patient with alternatives.
Now I can once again use the word processor that I so loved before. Any other math teacher might know how I feel. Haha. Or maybe, this is just me.
After my old laptop gave in, I used other laptops that were either second-hand or not appropriate for my intended use.
I told myself that once and for all, I will buy something that will not let me down!
I thank God I was able to stick to the decision.
Well, I still have to pay that back in less than a year, but I can pay it back.
Just a little more focus on obligation and I will be able to pay for my laptop back.
I approved of monthly installment for around 8 months. I will keep hustling and setting aside obligations and savings.
Another factor that is making me happy is the fact that I am back to feeling normal.
The best plan, for now, is just to set aside money for the rainy days. When we get sick, we have something to run to. When our device gets damaged we have something to use for replacement.
I didn't quite believe the stress I went through because of the worry of using a laggy device.
It is only now I realized how it has taken a toll on my stress level, and the use of inappropriate devices.
Anyway, now that I have procured the proper one, I have to say I have become more relaxed.
See you but not so soon
The thief of life
I found myself writing last night. I suddenly got up in the middle of the night and wrote something on pad paper that has been inserted into my notebook.
I just knew that so many things were stressing me out. I realized I should talk about it at the very least.
I wrote these words on paper:
“Why should I be afraid of death? One way or another we are all going to die. No matter how much we care for our bodies, we still have other ways to die. Death is not something we can prevent. We can only do so much.
And why should we care about what’s to come? We only do what we can do.
Tomorrow, death, life, people, family, friends, loved ones, beloved ones, people we are longing for.
Why should we be afraid of death?
We aren't afraid of harming ourselves yet we are so worried that we might die.
We aren't afraid of sinning yet we wish we will not die. Not yet… not just yet.”
I cried a bit afterward out of inexplicable grief over people and life. Grief for whatever I have done badly before. Grief and repentance. I have a lot I am regretful.
I am afraid. I am afraid. I am very afraid that tomorrow or any other day shortly, I will die just like how I will die.
In some way, I am lamenting myself. Why do I do the things that shouldn’t be done yet I feel afraid that I might get sick and eventually die? Die earlier than old age.
I am scolding myself because even after knowing the result before the action I still did what I shouldn't have done.
I am already more than three decades old. And I do not know how I will put things together. I am not cool with how I carry things around.
I want a worry-free life yet I can’t seem to do that at this point. But why can’t I? I ask myself. I have always been the easygoing one. Why am I so worried nowadays?
I see weird changes in my body like in my urine and somewhere else here inside me and I already thought so many advanced thoughts of death and life and life and death.
To be honest, my worries were nothing but financial security. I thought long and hard and I realized that I didn’t have much for hospitalization just in case something happens. I didn’t have enough savings that would cover my expenses in case I voluntarily resigned from my job.
I didn’t have enough with me that would ensure that my children will have something to use. I didn’t want my kids to suffer. I didn’t want my kids to live without their mother. I didn’t want my kids to live without me guiding them.
Then I look up and prayed hard that He will comfort me. With Him, nothing will be worrisome. I asked Him to be with me throughout this journey in life.
As for the thief of life, I am still so worried about it. And the only way I could get out of it is through writing and praying.
I won’t question anymore His existence.
I will have faith even if that is a blind one.
I am in no position anyway to doubt what others are doubting.
I have seen many miracles and that would already be more than enough.
I know that a positive mind, a faithful heart, and a clean conscience will make me through this precious life I am so adamant to keep.
I wanted to live long.
Now my inner voice is suggesting that I will just play along with the demands of life. I will seek medical help if needed. I will ask the charity if necessary. But I should always pray that my medicines will be affordable by what I earn. In here and from my job.
So long, thief. I’ll see you when I see you.
@ideallife