Anxiety?

Mental Health - What comes to mind when you come across this topic?

I have always avoided this topic. I always thought discussing my mental health is just a sign of weakness and whatever uneasy feelings I have are just gonna vanish after taking a good rest. I keep masking my struggles with the idea that work is fulfilling and that my family is living a comfortable life. I never excelled, I never wanted to change anything in my routine. I felt comfortable inside the bubble I made for myself. I don't need a lot of friends, I can manage alone and get by as long as I pay my bills. I think that's how a typical adult functions. Until one day, I woke up and suddenly I didn't want to move. I felt so tired and unmotivated with everything. I felt something was wrong but could not point it out. There were physical issues, I felt numbness on my arms and fingers, headaches, chest pain, and tiredness even after sleeping for hours. I have asthma but this is a whole new feeling to me. 

I love the company where I am working now but suddenly the thought of resigning keeps on haunting me. It was like the answer to all my exhaustion and pain. I could not understand why I even thought of quitting in the middle of a pandemic! I am comfortably working from home and yet this feeling is nagging me. Something is not right. I keep thinking of the bad things that's going to happen when I quit and instead of working harder it makes me unproductive at work. It's now either I resign or I get terminated. So many overwhelming emotions are flooding me.

Then a friend advised me to seek help from a mental health professional. That's when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was not easy, I have always had difficulties expressing myself. When the psychiatrist gave it a name;  it was another set of overwhelming emotions. I am kind of happy to know that what I am feeling is valid and not just a figment of my overthinking. And then I was scared again, anxious of what I am going to do next. I depended on medications to control the physical symptoms and tried therapy. I was able to function again.. so I thought.

If you're expecting a good happy ending, nah, I am far from that. Two weeks ago I had a meltdown. A very bad one. The paralysis came back, negative thoughts are haunting my sleep again, and I wanted to resign right that moment. Imagining waking up and feeling all those things at the same time. I could not even find the right words to tell my boss why I am not able to report to work. I am avoiding everything again. It's exhausting but I have to fight this one. I have to be better and I am trying to talk about it now. Maybe writing it here would make me feel better. Maybe if someone reads about this I am able to make that person that he/ she is not alone. Maybe that could make me feel better. I don't know. I am still unsure. My thoughts are all over the place. I am trying to be calm. 

If you're feeling the same way, please know you are not alone. What you are feeling right now is valid. Share your thoughts and let's talk about it. Maybe we can help each other out. 

P.S. If you know someone who is going through these things please don't tell them to just relax and rest it out. It does not work like that.