Empathy is a common word in human relationships. We probably have an idea of what empathy is. But do you think we're using that word correctly? More importantly, can we apply it to the people we come into contact with in our lives? Empathy means focusing on the other person with your whole being, not just mentally. And this requires getting rid of your prejudices and comments in your own mind for the moment.
Often, empathy is known as putting yourself in someone else's shoes. However, we often do not know how to do this. Contrary to popular belief, empathy is not just being able to feel what the other person is feeling, it is just being able to see what the other person feels and needs, as it is. To empathize is to try to understand and make sense of one's feelings, wishes and thoughts from his point of view. It requires being able to see why he does what he does, under what conditions, what he thinks about, and most importantly, what he needs. In order to focus on and understand the person in front of us, we must first get rid of our own thoughts and prejudices, which is the most difficult. While listening, it is not only to hear with our ears and think with our minds, but also to hear what is not said, to understand spiritually.
Resting with empathy makes the person feel understood; This is the need of every human being. However, the number of people who can truly listen with empathy is very, very few. You ask why? For example, when we do the following behaviors, we do not listen to the person with whom we are communicating with empathy.
The world doesn't care when you see the sea.
When we met, a little distance from you,
without seeing eye to eye,
If we reminisce about old memories,
If we talk from here and there, it's with you and us.
If we had deep philosophical conversations,
Let's tell jokes,
If the jokes go away.
Songs that keep the tempo of laughter.
If we praise the full moon,
Hicvesek darkness,
Is she blushing at night?
Or will he vomit his curse?
Are cellars dollars?
stone on stone,
Isn't there a head on the body?
Or should we hold our tongue and ignore it,
I didn't see, I didn't know, I didn't hear, should we play the game?
Who are we to believe?
By bending our necks and keeping quiet, it's not him,
Let's kiss, net, what?
Joke joke.
Let's greet the light
To the caravans of love whose path is steep,
Luckily we'll get the last two tickets left.
Is it beyond?
Giving advice. It is one of the most common mistakes, the other person may not be looking for a solution or may not want the solution from you.
He is only telling to be heard and listened to, or he is not yet ready to take a step towards a solution. Think before you give advice, do they want it from you?
Go to top. “Is that something, what happened to my uncle?” Here, the focus person is removed from himself and replaced by someone else who is thought to be in a worse situation. What is felt is the ignoring of one's own feelings.
To teach. Again, the need of the person arises from the fact that it is not observed.
Cheer. "Never mind. / It's over. / You did your best.” The real need is passed over without understanding what it is.
To tell a story. Again, by talking about the event that happened to himself or someone else, the focus is removed from the person himself.
To cover it up. "Never mind. / Don't worry about it.” It is the trivialization and ignoring of the emotion experienced.
To sympathize. “Oh ah, woah! / My dear!” Sympathy is confused with empathy, but there is a feeling of pity rather than sadness, and the listener with empathy is expected to focus on the feelings of the other person rather than reflecting their own feelings.
Query. "When did it happen? / What else did he say?” The person should be allowed to tell at their own pace without too much interruption.
Statement / Correction. “I was going to call you but / No, it wasn't like that.” It is to turn or change the focus on yourself again.
These items are a part of M. Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication. When we look at the list, we can conclude that we never listen to the other person with empathy in our conversations. Really it is. Listening without judgment and with sincerity would be a great favor you can do for your loved ones. While listening to what is being said during the conversation, try to develop the ability to really focus on the other person, not on yourself or the answer you will give. “What is he trying to tell me right now? What/s might he be feeling? What does he really need? What would he like to happen?” Focusing on questions like these will help you to listen with empathy.
