What is faith to me?

It was so clear to me before that faith is as long as I believe in God and listen to His Word from the Bible. In my childhood, believing in God seems to be as easy as counting one to three. The world looks beautiful and filled with God's love.

As I grow up, responsibilities and the need to have money for survival in this world comes in. Our own relatives steal from us, the one I gave my trust to abandoned my life and friends that once dear to me now have their own tasks in life. I thought that my childhood would continue to be comfortable as it could be a long as I live.

That is in the past, where I have not seen the other part of the world where cruelty and unfairness happens.

In between now and before.

I have been having a conflict inside of me. I have been having queries about God. Does he listen to my prayer? Sometimes I felt that he does and sometimes it felt that he doesn't care about me anymore because of all the sins that I have been doing. They said that He forgives but in the bible, He does give lessons too, maybe He is both.

As for I am now.

I do not go to church often. I have not been going to church for a few years since my marriage is not accepted to be blessed in a church because I am my husband second wife. The first one has already been divorced and got married to another man.

I cannot understand why we cannot be accepted while in the Bible God accepted everyone including prostitute and tax collector. Even the Pope forgives the one who shot him to death. It could be our own mistake too, maybe we did not do the procedure correctly.

One more thing that I cannot understand is why a married man that wants to be a Christian need to force his family to be with him or he is not allowed to be one, maybe there is a reasoning for this and I will probably agree with it. I thought maybe they do not want the family to be separated because of religion but in order to do that, all the family members must be present for the ceremony.

It is not that I do not want to go but there are certain people who made me feel like I am not going to church at all.

My decision.

Only God can see how deep my faith is and nobody can judge me better than Him. No matter what other people say, I am the only one know about my feelings and faith towards God.