Why am I here alone when everyone else is running?

Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a phase of your life, where everyone else is taking steps towards the things they want to do but you feel like you are glued to the ground where you are standing?

I have been carrying this feeling deep in me for years where I feel like I have not been making progress when it comes to my academic performance, it feels like I have not been learning anything and I do not know who to blame. I don’t know who to blame because I am sure I am studying well. I listen to my professors and all, I am reviewing when there are upcoming exams but when months pass by, I can’t recall anything, like I can’t find where in my brain all those learnings are.

I feel embarrassed for myself when I am with my friends and they are talking about their achievements, or the things unique about their course and I can’t present any. Because I don’t have any since I was first year. In short, I feel stupid. I don’t know if the course I took is too hard for me or I am just really stupid. I don’t know if I should blame the teaching staff of our department for not having the proper people teach us. I mean, they do have, but it’s not enough. It makes me cry before thinking if I should shift course but realize, to what course instead? I have nowhere to go because I don’t have anything I want to do that I am sure of. I don’t have a dream job.

Yes, people like me exist. It’s not that I don’t know how to dream, but I don’t have specific someone that I want to be. I don’t have a dream job. I started to question myself after my 10th Grade because everyone around me was talking about how they want to be an accountant, a doctor, an engineer, or a writer. And then I thought to myself, what about me? What do I want to be someday? And I didn’t figure it out. I cannot think of any. So I said, maybe after 12th grade, by then I am sure of what I want to do as a career. 12th Grade ended, but it’s still the same. I still don’t have a dream. I took the course my sister told me about but I am not blaming her because it was still my choice. She gave me the freedom to choose for myself so I did thinking it was the best for me. The closest thing to a dream was maybe my interest in Geology that time, but I didn’t have the privilege to take it because I considered many things. And to be honest, I couldn’t picture myself as a Geologist. It was just pure interest and not a dream.

I love my course, there was a point in my college journey that I genuinely loved it. But when the major subjects were taught, I lost it. It was a turning point for me because I am personally weak in Math and I don’t have a strong foundation in Physics. And those subjects are very crucial in my course. It felt like I went back to zero. I felt like everyone was making progress but not me. That was the time I felt stuck in my life and I feel like I have not been moving ever since. Basically I did, because I am now in my fourth year but if we’re going to talk about the learnings I gained so far, it was less than what you’d expect for a fourth year college student. And I feel like that’s not right.

I am disappointed with myself because I don’t know where it went wrong. It’s not that I am expecting to be the best in everything, to do everything right, and to remember it all, but this is definitely not how I was. I don’t know if it was just too hard for me, or everyone is just smarter, or I am just plain stupid. And then thesis happened, it’s now my biggest problem as a student because I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I did my best, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t know where to start again.

When I look at my friends, I know it’s also hard for them. There is no such thing as an easy course. I know we are all struggling differently, and I am not in any way invalidating their struggles but at the end of the day when I think of it, they know what they want to be. And I wish the same for myself. They have something they want to do that they are sure of. They have a dream job, they are picturing themselves years from now as a someone. While I am here, still figuring what I want to do with my life. I dream to be successful of course. Success is basically everyone’s dream. And to achieve that, I need to have a dream that is unique for myself, but why is it that I don’t have?

Why am I here alone when everyone else is running?

Hello there, thank you because you made it this far.

Until the next article- glossyberrycraze ♡