the what if in my life

Time is so precious and the only things that remain are all the memories of the time that passed by. Regrets are always there to remind us if we did not do our best so that we have regrets in our lives.

Regrets are the what if?

I would like to share my own what-if in my life.

What if I finish my degree in college?

If I finished my degree in college as Bachelor in Science in Nursing, I am a nurse in a hospital and serving a lot of patients suffering in covid right now. It was my mother's dream for me to be a nurse but unfortunately, because I was a rebellious daughter here I am a homemaker, trying my best to be a wonderful mother and a partner.

What if I've spent a lot of time with my father?

This will be my biggest what if in my life? I did not grow up with my father, but all of my memorable memories in my childhood are because of him. I was five years old when his auntie adopted me, and that is one of the saddest parts of my life. I grew up as if he did not exist in my life but when there is a special occasion like my graduation he is there; we did not spend propitious time together because he is still busy with his own family. One night I receive a call from my cousins and that was a heartbreaking call, she said that my father died I was shocked and I can barely cry for that moment but the pain until now is so unexplainable, he is gone for almost two years but every time I remember his existence the pain is like a cutting knife in my heart. I never tell him that I love him and I was thankful for all the wonderful time we had when I was a child. I never greeted him on any special occasion and it hurts me so much. I was such a bad daughter but in my heart, those times that I am with him is the safest feeling I've ever had.

What if I've been a good daughter?

When the time that who I called Nanay got me from my father it was one of the saddest experience in my childhood. There are a lot of bad things she said about my parents that until now it is in my heart. I was an obedient child at that time everything she said I immediately agreed with it, until such time I ran away from home and become a rebellious one, I did not even care about her I celebrated my freedom that time but in the end, it's too late for me to realize that all she wants for me is to have a good life, she passed away for almost a decade now but still if I did my best to be a good daughter she will be happy until the last breath of her life.

What if I've been a good partner?

I was young at that time when I agreed to live in with a man whom I did not know at all, it was the time that I really want to get out of our house to seek from freedom and living with a man whom I know for a month leaves a scar in my life he abused me so many time that I got trauma. I was physically abused by him got my black-eyed, bruises, blood that was a nightmare for me it took 7 to seven years of my life just to wait that he will change. Unfortunately, I decided to run away and escape life with an abusive man. Most of the people who known us said that it's the right thing to do and he was such a bad man, that's why there is always a question in my mind that maybe I am not a good partner that's why I suffered alot.

What if I was a good friend?

I am 36 years old and I've got a few friends maybe 4 they are there through ups and downs they saw all the bad things in my life and tried to help as much as they can, but there are times that I questioned my self if I'm a good friend if I was there to help when they needed the most.