“You're a Gem, You are Unique”

August 8, 2021
Sunday

In this society we live in sometimes I asked myself, why am I so different?
Why I couldn’t do what others can?
Why I was born into an incomplete family?
Why am I like this?

Those were just some of the questions lingering in my head when I was a kid. As I grow up, I considered myself to be different from others. Being so skinny and a girl who grew up without a mother made me think I am completely different that I don’t belong to the society I am living at.

I wore mostly plain tees because my dad has bad taste when it comes to girls' fashion and I never had my hair groomed by a lady which made other of my playmates teased me as a “Tomboy”.

But everyone constantly observed my slim bones, and only a few acknowledge me as a person as a whole. In every reunion or gathering we had, may it be a family reunion or a school activity; people looked at me differently because I am so thin. Those made me build up insecurities when I was a kid.

Their sharp eyes looking at me seems to laugh deep inside, they didn't know that with those judging eyes my insecurities were slowly getting bigger while my confidence was slowly fading.

I was raised and grew up being always compared with the other kids, that my skills and I were a kid was too lousy compared to others and other people even my relatives always said that I am not eating well, that I am a choosy eater and malnourished even I am not. Yes, I am too thin as bones but I have never been into feeding programs because my weight and height were completely normal back then.

However, they kept telling me those words because I am not matched with their standards. That’s how I grew up accumulating low self-esteem as a young.

I grew up dwelling with their harsh words against me especially with my physical appearance. Some told me I am like a skeleton, just bones covered with skin. And I sometimes blame myself because of it. I am not a picky eater, to be honest, but as I grew up with my dad who doesn’t know how to cook a meal, he mostly provides us with instant goods such as can goods and intact noodles. We seldom have a nice viand at our table because no one is cooking for us.

But then, I never blamed him, I understood his situation in my young mind. He’s a teacher and needs to work early in the morning, without a wife taking care of his needs. So it’s understandable that he can’t cook us proper meals.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I grew up too skinny, then as time goes by, I get used to the words others tossing at me and just accept the fact that I am really thin like a skeleton.

Funny it seems but I am deeply hurt. As a girl slowly turning into a lady, I am not aging like a fine wine just like any Korean actress I watched.

As I saw my body gently turns into a lady I felt even more insecure. I am still skinny, some say it’s within our bloodline but then others just can’t accept that. I am still a girl, who looks undernourished in their eyes,

Seriously I had lived myself in shame and embarrassment because of it. Because I saw how others laughed and made fun of me, I even do it with myself.

Then self-blame and self-pity just grow bigger and bigger, then I found a way to relieve my hurt feelings, I am hooked with anime.

It was a nice diverting of attention, I found a new hobby and a new friend in the form of anime characters I am watching. I felt I was in a completely different world. And I wanted to do cosplay too, to escape from the wicked world I am in. But then being a cosplayer is only a dream that remained untouched until today.

I just lived normally just like the others but my music playlist was made up of mostly Japanese songs, some official soundtracks of Naruto Shippuden, and other animes I liked.

Then when some of my classmates found out about it, some said I am weird and some said I am cool. They even want me to sing some Japanese songs after they found out that I memorized all the lyrics.

As time goes by, people around me forgot to talk about my physique. Then as I became a high school student, I am surprised others recognized my physical appearance. They were my new classmates and they always gave me compliments. They love my skinny figure and even said the nicest words about it. They never gave me insecurities by accepting me for who I really am.

Then starting that day, I realized I don’t have to try hard just t be accepted. That it is okay to be different because there will be people who are willing to accept you for who you are and what you are, we are just unique.

I have to admit it, truthfully speaking, I wanted to be recognized just like the other children I see. I want people to treat me nice because I am being nice to them too. But as I grow old, no matter how I strived, I acknowledge the fact that we truly can't please everyone around us. We can't force them to do to us what they are doing with somebody else. We can't force them to like us back or embrace our differences with them.

But later on, as life educates me lessons to ponder as I age, I understood that we, people don’t need to be recognized by others just to prove to them that we truly exist. As long as we are being truthful with ourselves and will learn to accept and love ourselves, we'll be good to live a better life.

We don't need to change just for other people's sake and if we truly want change the reason should be for ourselves, for our improvements, advantages, and personal developments. We don't need to fit ourselves in the society just be called “a part” of it.

That's what I learned and I am very happy I had recognized it for the past years. Everyone has their “own” standards in happiness and life, but we shouldn't let other's standards define or mold us as an individual.

When you feel you are too different, it is because you are the one who thinks about it. You are not different, maybe you are just unique in your own way. So I will leave you this message, that you don't have to please other people, you exist.

You don't need to prove yourself to anyone just to be accepted, genuine people will see the gem in you but for them to see it, see it for yourself first.

Embrace your differences, love yourself because no one should appreciate yourself further more than you.

Written by: @eommaZel✍🏻🥀