Making Peace with Death

I've been grappling with the idea of death and the great beyond lately. My anxiety's been triggered by the thought of dying but I THINK I want to be at peace with it now. There's still a lot of things left to do, there's a full bucket list of it, but I think my time is very limited given the pain I have to endure daily. It frustrates me that I'm basically a vegetable, I can't do stuff without any help and I can't walk without anyone or anything supporting me. But that's how it is, I'm still here so I'll try my best to do the things that I still can.

My daughter turned thirteen a couple of months ago, I'm doing my best to get into the stuff she likes to do. This way, I can get to know her better and spend more quality time with her. She currently loves watching Anime movies and series so I make it a point to watch with her. This wasn't so hard because I used to watch a lot of Anime shows. I introduced her to the ones I watched like Yu Yu Hakusho, Rurouni Kenshin, and HunterxHunter. She's also doing a lot of digital art/drawings at the moment and I've been bugging her to teach me how but it's kinda difficult given I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Here's a photo of something we did together, a "collab" according to her, I did the face sketch and she did the colors so that explains the outcome. We named her "Flori":

It's fun doing things with my daughter, it makes me forget whatever pain I'm feeling. I've also been sharing my experiences and childhood stories with her and I think that somehow improved our communication because she's been opening up to me about her experiences too. We get to talk about crushes and butterflies-in-your-stomach stuff. It's cute, makes me feel like a teenager again.

My hubby had been very supportive all these years. He's just the best. I try my best to be supportive of him as well. He works hard for our family to sustain our needs, I just try to pitch in as much as I can since I can still work (we both work from home). We used to go out for dates but because of the COVID-19 threat, we'd rather not risk going out. He's good at playing the guitar and I always swoon when I watch him play. We live in a studio room so it's difficult to get some alone time. We just spend family time together watching movies and eating our favorite food (sushi and sashimi, most of the time). We're looking into going on a trip, like to the beach, or somewhere nice and cozy overnight if we can find a place safe enough in this crazy pandemic.

Honestly, if I didn't have a family, I think I would've gone ahead. Y'know, cross that rainbow bridge? But because of them, I have a reason to stay. This is why I fight and endure whatever I have to deal with. I'd really love to make more memories with them. I used to fear death, maybe I still am afraid of it... I know it is inevitable. My family knows this, I also want them to be at peace with that idea -- that one day I won't be here anymore. It will come eventually and I want to be ready for it. How does one prepare for death? I tried to talk about getting a funeral/memorial plan but this makes my family sad, they don't exactly want to talk about it. I can imagine it's depressing. I should get one while I'm still here though. I don't wanna burden them with more expenses when the inevitable happens. Aside from that, how does one really prepare for death? I have no clue. I don't have any regrets at this point and I'd like to think I've lived a happy life so far. I was able to party until I dropped, have fun, go places, meet the love of my life, and have an awesome daughter... Yes, there are still some things I'd like to do (a bucket list), maybe I'll get to do them in a few days, maybe I won't. I'm already contented with my life... I have no idea how much time I have left but I'm going to make the most out of it and spend time with people I love. ❤️