She was

She finished early at work today, one of the rare times, eh? She requested a quite handful of documents and was waiting for the documents to come through. She thinks it probably won’t tonight because first, it's Friday. Everyone is just dreading to clock out and finally have that long-deserved rest they are all waiting for over the weekend. Second, Monday is a bank holiday - a day when people can take an extended rest to recharge. Probably right now everyone is just fooling themselves that they are doing something even though they actually aren't. 

But she was different, she thought. She was supposed to be one of them to be honest, stare at her screen and wait until 12 midnight before she can finally clock out. She was just scrolling through noise.cash and read.cash mindlessly when an article of @meitanteikudo pops up, it's called Freewrite: Mumblings of the Hurt. She already read that before but when she read it again, she doesn't know why, but it hits differently tonight. That’s when she decided to write, it’s been a while since she wrote freely how she felt inside and checked in how she was feeling lately. 

She was supposed to write an article today, as it was listed on her to-do list. But she let go of  the idea because she had been so sleepy and tired lately. She said to herself, “Fine, you can be a lazy bitch today, you have Monday off so you can just do more things by then.” She was okay in not writing and bending her to-do list for the day, this was a bit shocking for her, honestly but here she goes, still writing and hoping that she will make sense.

WAS SHE HAPPY?

Hmmmm… She, too, was having a hard time answering that. She was okay, somewhat indifferent from how she truly felt. She wasn’t sad but she wasn’t happy either, just somewhat a normal feeling. It’s like the color gray, she’s neither black or white, she’s just gray. But gray is a good thing, right? Seeing and feeling the in between? She honestly doesn’t know if she’s making sense, but meh...  She's fine, she thinks so. Besides she always thought human emotion was complex and you can never be just one thing.

WAS SHE TIRED?

Last Tuesday, she bought herself some burgers, fries and an extra large coffee because she needed to reward herself for something she probably didn't know the reason for. She just wanted a burger and sometimes, when she wants a burger she just gets one. No questions asked. She was having a hard time eating lately, which is a bit concerning. She sometimes feels she wants to vomit but never really does. She had been having a cup of coffee everyday, which is a huge mistake because her acid reflux is coming back. 

WAS SHE OKAY?

She thinks so and really, really hopes so. But again, she comes back to the thought that you can never be enclosed in one feeling. She can say she’s okay but what does okay really mean? People can be okay even if they are sad and people can be not okay even if they are happy. Ughhhh! This confuses her, amongst all other things like why did she grow up the way she was? Why didn’t this happen? Why did this happen? A lot of thoughts are racing her mind and a break from it would be extremely beneficial. 

WAS SHE STILL HARD ON HERSELF?

She can say, a bit? Just think of it, you can’t easily detach from old habits. She’s been learning not to, she was trying. I think she even promises not to but she fails most of the time but she still believes that maybe someday she won’t be. 

WAS SHE IN LOVE?

Hmmmm… now that’s the juicy one, she didn’t want to tell. She doesn’t really know why but she likes to keep things private, I guess? Or maybe she just wasn’t ready to tell people or maybe there’s nothing to tell at all. Twisted, right? Just like her mind. It stretches and stretches into the wild thought of everything until she tangles on its own and probably she needed someone to help her untangle it. Or maybe time! Yeah, time! They say things make sense with time, right? But mehhhh… nothing ever did make sense to anyone. We're still here arguing if the earth is flat.

WAS SHE INSPIRED? 

Tough one, she thinks so or she hopes so, she doesn’t really know but one thing she knows right now is she is hungry. She wanted pizza, burgers and ice cream. She was addicted to burgers lately, especially the crunchy chicken ones! She should stop talking about this as she is on the verge of grabbing her phone and ordering something again. She’d say it’s a reward for herself but if you ask her what for? It’s not a secret but she doesn’t know what for. 

For the last time I wanted to ask her what she was feeling...

She doesn't really know… 

She just was...

She was.

Lead image: Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash