As I am still on my mini vacation, just the first week into it and I’m already bored, but I'm not wishing for it to end anytime soon. One of the main reasons is that I was always busy and my to-do list just never ends.
I’m actually in one of my proudest moments where I haven’t opened my planner and I can just do whatever I want. Sometimes, it really is the small things that fuels up our souls.
I have also begun writing and creating some journal pages again. I feel that my creative self is functioning well because I am well-rested. Honestly, article topics come easily too!
For my journaling, I'm pretty sure you noticed in my noise.cash account, I have been writing my favorite quotes and bible verses. I also joined the channel @crimsonowl created in noise.cash, Journals, Lettering & Stationery. You should join too and get inspired and share your art there!
Though, I tried to get pictures printed but apparently, all of the picture printing shops were closed when I visited last week.
Last night, as I was closing my journal I just impulsively scanned through it. I started at the very first page and dear, it was so heavy. It was one of the lowest points in my life when I got my journal that I am still using up until now.
Going through it, I just feel sad, amazed and I can’t fathom how I felt that way. Reading through it is such a heavy feeling because it makes me think that at one point in my life, I felt that and I was that hurt. All of the broken dreams, failed promises and all of the silent prayers are there.
Here are some of the excerpts that my journal holds:
“She doesn’t know what to do anymore. She felt like she didn't know herself. She wanted to understand but couldn’t”
She was #3
“She was being patient about herself. She was discovering things that she didn’t want about herself and that’s okay. She just needs to change for the better. She constantly reminded herself that change is both slow and exhausting.”
She was #10
“Finally, things are going to the right places and things are fitting in the right puzzles. She had the time to look back at her goals for the year. She was grateful that God has always been faithful even if she wasn’t.”
She was #14
“She was learning to be comfortable on her own and if she were to make the world revolve on something, it should be on herself. She was focusing on herself and on getting better. She also realized that if she were to get better, she needed to create boundaries.”
She was #16
“She was doing okay, impatient as ever but meh… what’s new?”
She was #29
Of course I couldn’t put all of them here but I thought I can give you some insights on how our emotions and feelings really change a lot. It just shows that whatever you're feeling now, most probably you won't feel a week, month or year from now.
It just shows that feelings come and go and that we shouldn't really dwell on it. I'm not saying that we should ignore it because it changes, I just think that we shouldn't let it bother us that much because more often than not, you won't feel the same way that you feel yesterday.
Most of the time when I reread old journals, it amazes me at how much self discovery you can gain from it:
First, it will help you be mindful of how you feel. If you write you're sad, you probably are sad and if not, you can process it through writing and discover a deeper level of why you are sad.
Second, if you reread it, it just holds so much. More than often, I usually forget what I write because I write in my journal to release it and it just shows you so much hurt and pain you have gone through. It can also give you wisdom and hopefully, it helps you get better.
I rarely read back on what I write because if I’m being honest, it makes me cringe. Especially when it comes to guys and broken hearts. Most of the time I’ll be like “That guy took a space in my journal? I don’t even remember who he was.”
It’s just funny because you can also see how stupid you can be and how you you cried over the silliest thing.
It was a fun time looking back on who I was a year ago, it felt like ages ago.
Its really nice to have some journal, because you can check how and what you are doing and see if you are finally doing good. Just reading what you've shared really showed that our feelings did change from time to time, and what's important is how we deal with the changes.