I want it back

As more and more days pass by being locked in my room, I have noticed a steady decline on my focus on things. Whether it be work, reading, writing and almost literally everything. I’m starting to easily be distracted mostly by my phone but there are a lot few things aside from that.

When I am currently working on something, I'll just stop and grab my phone and opening one app would lead to the other and an hour later you'll realize, you haven't done what you're supposed to do.

I never had any notifications, I started turning them off when I was in college and never bothered to put it back. I just put on notifications on my messaging apps as it is a requirement for my work and for emergencies, other than that I have them all off. Which is why I’m more bothered because even without notifications, I am constantly checking my phone. 

I honestly don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it keeps bugging me at how much I am constantly looking at my phone instead of doing and finishing other things. 

I am not annoyed at how much time I spend on my phone, I'm just pissed at how little attention span I have right now. I used to study or work and be able to focus for hours before the pandemic but now, literally 20 minutes after, I’m itching to do something else. 

Honestly, where is my focus on things?

I am actually amazed when I look back, I’m like… “how am I able to do that study routine?” Honestly, when I look back at my study routine before I kept asking myself at how crazy that was. I tried and make it as healthy as possible but I still think it's extreme.

My lost of focus might be because of the lack of goals, as I’m currently having a hard time setting goals for myself too, so maybe I’m just getting pulled everywhere. Or maybe it’s something else? I honestly don't know. 

I know people are constantly evolving and growing but sometimes, I feel like I want my old self back. People should change for the better version of themselves but why do I feel like I’m changing into something worse?

(I just did it again, I stopped and looked at my phone and this is frustrating)

I think I should do a social media detox. As much as I love talking to people and browsing through social media, I think I need a break from it all but again, I don’t know if I can do it. 

Don’t get me wrong, social media is not a bad thing but there is such a thing as excessive use of it. Maybe because it’s the pandemic and instead of talking and interacting with real people, I’m stuck here in front of my screen. 

I have already tried focus apps too that I used when I was studying for the board exams. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. 

I honestly don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or I’m overthinking again. Maybe I really am being paranoid but productivity is so hard to measure lately. I feel like I’m not doing enough of my day and I’m just wasting it. I have grand things in my head but I can’t put them into action because most of the time I don’t have time for it, I’m distracted or I’m frozen because I have so much to do. 

I just want my old self back, the one who clearly sees things and knows where she is headed. The determined one, the goal driven one and the unstoppable one. The one who used to conquer great heights and the one who isn’t afraid to fail and try again. The one who always say that she will conquer the world and in her time, I felt like she did. 

Maybe this is the time when adulting slaps me hard and this is just the process of growing up and realizing that we are finite, limited and most of the time, we fail. This is a hard pill to swallow but the sooner I realize this, I think things would be easier. 

I kinda envy people at how they can easily set goals and know what they want because honestly, I don’t know what I want. I feel lost, probably because I’m literally lost. 

It’s almost half of the year already and I don’t know where the  5 months went. I survived another busy season, got an opportunity to work in a UK team and client, I achieved my crypto goals last month but I don’t know why I feel this. 

Right now, I just honestly want my old self back.

Lead image: Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash