Chasing Clouds

“We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it’s like chasing clouds.” – Libba Bray

There are really times in our life wherein we do things— and afterward we end up haunting by a thought wishing that if only we could go or turn back those times, we could have set things right and not fall back in your current situation. Regrets are like ghosts who keeps on habituating your entirety, who lets you remember your failures and disappointments within yourself. And you can do nothing but live with it, accept the fact that it happened and it has to be part of the process. Yet sometimes, we live our life trying to change or correct that mistake, and prove to ourselves or to others each day that we are a better person now.

But, does that really work?

I was on my second year college level at that time, in which I felt so delighted and blessed that I was chose and became one of the TES scholars, a grant given by the government to college students worth of sixty thousand pesos a year. As a kid who was not born with a silver spoon, it was such an honor for me of course to be part of that scholarship because it was already a great help, most especially to my parents who gave their blood and sweat just to sustain the needs of their four kids who all go to school. That scholarship would really lessen the burden.

However, pandemic came and the release of the grant was delayed. Still, I was able to finish my second year at that time without paying my tuition, cause we are so confident with the scholarship. And as time elapsed the enrollment for the next semester came for my third year in college, but then the grant was not yet still released and in order for me to get enrolled, I have to pay first 50% of my balance for the meantime which is amounting to approximately fifteen thousand pesos. My parents could not afford paying it cause we are in the verge of financial crisis at time, the reason I was compelled to stop from studying.

The scholarship was released by the second semester of the year, yet half of the amount was only given to me cause only the second semester of the previous year was being credited. So I decided to just continue my study next year since my father no longer had his job and I merely spend my time looking for jobs to also have extra income as I get back to school next semester. I aso believe that I could still have my scholarship back once I pursue my study again because that was our handler told me that they will apply me again once I get back.

As what I had planned, I get back to school just last year for my third year in college. But unfortunately, I was not able to get my scholarship back which truly devastated me. The new handler told me that I should have just enrolled once I claimed the grant way back last year, cause they can not give a hundred percent of assurance that I will be included on the list again. I was tearied eye at that moment once I left the accounting office, overthinking what will happen to me now that I lose the opportunity that was once given to me, and was once mine. In my mind, I keep on regretting that I should have had followed it up, I should have asked any further about if before for the possibilities, I should have had the vigor to find ways to keep it.

My regrets swallowed me more when I witnessed the facebook posts and status of my classmates or batchmates last year wearing their black togas. I felt so disappointed with myself that time, I could have had finished my studies as well last year if I had not stopped. Each day, I tried hard to get better, thinking how that past haunts me and finding ways to get rid of it. But then, it does not help. The more I forced myself the more I create pressure within, more importantly when pressure is inherently everywhere.

In a nutshell, spending time collecting those shards to fix a broken glass is definitely a struggle. In the same way, spending time trying to change a situation in the past that regretted you the most is truly agonizing. But most of all, those two analogous situations, if done, will only lead you to chasing clouds. Hence, if ever your regrets will visit you again, always remember that all the happenings in our life, may it be negative or positive, are all part of our lives just like waves and ripples are part of the ocean. Just go with the flow— keep sailing, don't look back and get stronger and wiser each day. The more you sail the more you are getting nearer and nearer to the place where you have to be.

Hi it's so good to be back, sharing this experiences of mine wherein you can also learn from. I was on a hectic schedule, and I am so full with anxiety that I need something where I can open up. So here it, is.

Thank you for reading, and please subscribe for more blogs! I do subscribe back, just comment down so that I can easily identify you all. Lots of love .

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Lead image is by Canva. Photo not mine.