It's been a long time since enjoying the perfect formulation of caffeine and nicotine mixture in the solitude and silence of the room. Writing becomes difficult because of the habit of mixing sips of coffee and puffs of cigarette smoke in touching the fingers on the keyboard keys. After a long time not getting this opportunity due to economic pressure, this is the first time this pleasure is reunited with thoughts that are ready to be written down in simple writing.
I remember an experience that I had last year, at that time I did not have a penny for more than a week, I was still able to survive as usual with the help of good friends and the food that was still in the storage room in the room. I tried to feel the pain of life without money. This is due to my curiosity towards people who are willing to fight to the death and even use illegal methods to earn money.
After experiencing that suffering even though it was only for less than two weeks, I did not find the answer that money was worth it in any way. Maybe this is also because of the factor of my friends who are willing to share a little of their sustenance to meet my struggling intestines asking for food. I don't understand why people are willing to submit to a paper that is said to bring happiness. Then, why are there so many people who are willing to go to great lengths to get the paper and even take other people's rights? Who knows.
The world today always teaches us how to earn money, even from basic education we have been fed the doctrine that the journey of life is school-college-work. The world of education is our initial capital to earn money, they say. Such a doctrine thrives in people's heads, the knowledge is given at every level of education is not so important because what they are after is a paper that is considered to be able to represent the knowledge in our heads which is called a diploma.
What a shame if this is the case, I thought. This doesn't make sense. Why should we submit to a glimmer of ink on paper like money and diplomas? Is that the only limit we think? Shackled by the stuff we create? I don't understand, am I still sane or not? Questioning things that are common in society. Sometimes I envy most people who live according to society's thinking, but sometimes I also pride myself that I'm not like them. However, in a world that has become so dilapidated, we need money to survive.
The concept of God which is considered absolute by most people sometimes cannot be separated from the questions in my head. Forgive me, God. But I want to grow up to be an honest person by venting the questions that arise in my head, but believe me I will continue to look for answers to each of my questions. Then what should I do? Do I have to live life like the average person? Honestly, I don't want to.
Do I have to struggle to make money? Oh, I don't want to. I want to make history, I want my name to be remembered by history, not to be a person who makes money. Perhaps this dream was too utopian, they would hardly say. Is dreaming a mistake? I don't think so. Then what should I do? My college obligations are often neglected, is my dream unattainable? I don't know, I don't have the slightest right to determine my future.
This anxiety never tires of bothering me. I always think about my future, could the books I devoured be useful in the future? Is God's guarantee to learn to seek knowledge true in a world that is so cruel and shackled by materialism? I'm dizzy thinking about it. There is no place to discuss this other than the screen staring at me intently at this moment and the keyboard lying quietly waiting for the gentle massage of my fingers.
God, if you could give me clearer instructions maybe I wouldn't have to feel this very disturbing anxiety. Or maybe I am too stupid to understand The messages that you convey through Your chosen noble people. Forgive my stupidity, O Lord. I don't want to dictate to you in my every prayer. As I usually say in my every prayer and I will never get tired of saying it, give me the strength to carry out the role that You have given me in this stage of Your play.
Thank you for insightful idea