Self pity

Happy April Fool's Day everyone! 

We are now in the fourth month of the year. Don't you think that days go by so fast now compared to before? Days are fast and the world is changing but I am still me, the same old happy go lucky, dependent bum. This article might be a little too dramatic as I again pitied myself yesterday. 

If you are following me on noise.cash you would know that I went to the supermarket yesterday for a little grocery shopping. We do groceries twice a month every 15th and 30th and at the same time pay our monthly bills. I know I have already said it in my Grocery shopping article that our budget would be Php2000-3000 per grocery shopping and mostly they are all some basic stuffs. And because the budget is so small, I cannot get to "steal" anymore. You will know what I mean by that if you have read the article  that I have mentioned. 

Before going to the supermarket, I would already list down the items that are either running low or zero on our pantry and then my dad would check it just to see if I have listed something that is not important. 2 weeks ago, he said that my chocolate drink is already a luxury and not a necessity. I don't usually drink chocolate drink as I am trying to stay away from chocolates as it triggers my migraine. But there are times where I just want to drink it that is why I listed it. I also cannot always drink coffee as drinking too much can also trigger it. 

The only personal items that I get every grocery day are my toiletries like bath soaps, shampoo and conditioner that already costs Php500. I usually buy the first 2 items once a month (or every other month. It depends on how many times I take a bath. LOL. I'll let you know a secret. During the Christmas season I don't take a bath everyday. LOL. Gross right? But it is my way of conserving water and helping reduce our water bill. But now that it is summer, I can't help but to take a bath everyday as it is very hot here in the Philippines.) and twice a month for the conditioner. Curly hair problems. My hair always needs conditioner to make it soft. You already know why I don't have sanitary napkins. I bought my deodorant last year. I bought 3 which was a buy 1 take 1 so 6 pieces are already good for a year. I just hope they will still have like that this year. I buy my skin care when we go to the drug store. It costs less than Php200 or almost $5.  If I have extra money or I have some extra rewards points on my supermarket card, I can buy some chips, frozen fries or potato wedges.

But yesterday even if I have a market list, my dad would text me some additional items to buy. And because of that either I would remove something from my list or my cart or he would have to give me additional money for it. Since my dad was in the parking lot, he asked me to pay for the overage if I have the money or get the additional money from him. Good thing I have extra money so I did not have to go down although he hasn't pay me yet. LOL. I have nothing to worry because he is a good payer an he will pay me in the following days. I was suppose to deposit that money in the bank but the line was too long. Again, thanks to read.cash for that money.

But because of how high the commodities are nowadays and how my dad has been trying his best to still provide for us even after he had struggled for the 2 consecutive hospital bills that he had paid in the last 2 years, I cannot help but to pity myself. I cannot do anything yet to help him financially because I still have a lot of debts to pay. Debts that he's unaware of. 

Have you also pitied yourself? In what way? Do you still live with your parents? Do you contribute to the expenses? Are you jobless or employed? How much do you give to your parents for contribution? 

When we got home as I was bathing our dogs until I was taking a bath, I cannot help but to think of how I can help my dad. I was thinking if I will be in charge of paying for one utility bill that costs around $15 a month. I might have said this before already but when I was working, I was in charge of paying our water and my brother pays for the cable even if he does not live here anymore. The $15 may just be a tiny fraction but at least I get to pay one right? BUT, again with the but, I really have a lot of debts to pay. On the average, I need at least Php8500 or $180 a month just for my debts alone. If I am going to include one utility bill then I would be needing almost $200 a month. 

Currently my only source of income is read.cash and noise.cash. I have also invested on Pancake and Binance. Also bought 1 waifu on junngle last month and had listed it but as of the moment, no on has bought it yet. Maybe I should change my price. Am I right with the word that I have used? Should it be stake, trade or invested? Either/or I only placed $10-15 each on Pancake and Binance. I don't usually get orders for my chili garlic business and my Youtube channel is not yet monetized. As much as I wanted to look for a job in the food industry right now, I can't work yet in restaurants because of our present situation and most companies are cutting down on manpower due to the pandemic. Even if it is in a different industry, as long as it requires me to go out of the house, I cannot put my health and my parents' at risk. 

I am open for some work from home jobs as long as it does not need a laptop or a PC because I do not have those 2. My laptop is still working but is already laggy and it automatically disconnects from the wifi. Bought it more than a decade ago. I did try Upwork and onlinejobs.ph. Though the last time I have registered on Upwork last year, my application got rejected and I have not tried it again this year. I tried applying in some job postings on onlinejobs.ph but I did not receive any email or reply. My neighbor said to apply as many as the maximum allowed applications per day everyday. I did that for more than a week but I do not know why I did not hear from them. 

How do you cope with self pity? How long do you usually pity yourself? 

In my case, I don't pity myself everytime I do the groceries. There are just times when my dad would always say that he does not have money and you can just see on his face how stressed or problematic he is. Then enter the "if only" thoughts. But there are also times where I would just make a joke so that we would not feel so down whenever money is the issue. I just really hope that I can help with my dad with some of our living expenses and also give them something in return especially with my dad. 

I know it is normal to feel these things but we also have to know how to cope with it and to not let it affects us. I do not know how everyone copes on this but I always tell myself that there will come a time that I can contribute again just not now.

P.S. I couldn't find a photo for a self pity so I chose one of my selfie while making face.