It's ok

When was the last time that you have told yourself that it's ok? It's ok to reward yourself. It's ok to splurge a little. It's ok to overindulge. It's ok to lose. It's ok to cry. It's ok to rest. It's ok if you really do not feel like doing something. It's ok if you do not want to talk. It's ok if you miss someone. It's ok to not be ok. Seems like a title from a popular Korean drama right? But I must say that it's totally ok. It's ok to do, feel and think about a lot of things. It just proves that we are just humans. We are free to feel and do whatever we want as long as we are not breaking any law or we are not committing any sin.

Last night before I went to sleep, I was already thinking that I still do not have an article. I did not force myself to make one because first, I was too tired doing a lot of errands and second, I was also not feeling well as I can feel my head starting to knock because I skipped lunch and snack. Good thing that it did not start while I was out of the house. I started to feel the pain after we had early dinner. I was so hungry that I have eaten a lot. The reason why some nutritionist and doctors prefer to have small frequent meals if you want to go on a diet. I'm not really into a strict diet. I still eat the food that I want but in moderation. As I was about to sleep, I told myself that it was ok. It was ok to miss a day without publishing an article. We need to prioritize ourselves and our health over anything else.

Earlier I also told myself that it was ok when I was at the grocery. Our helper came with me as she wanted to buy some snacks. Since we did not had lunch and snack, we got a lot of things. My aunt said before that never go to a supermarket when you are hungry because you will end up buying a lot. Have you heard about that? Well, she was actually right. I bought a lot of things that were not on my market list that even I did not bother computing how much our cart was. The budget that my dad gave me was just enough for the items listed but because I was hungry, I ended up buying some chips, dips and also a lot of meat even if my dad had only said to buy half kilo and I ended up buying a kilo. In the end, I ended up paying 3 times the budget that my dad gave me. I was really surprised when our helper whispered to me the running bill and our toilettries were still not yet punched. I wanted to cry because it is just so easy to spend our hard earned money. I cannot help but to think if there is an easy way to earn some money because I would want to apply to that job. Indeed, a lot of our basic commodities have increased and my dad said that it will increase again soon. Good thing that we have already bought a lot today. I just told myself that it was ok if I had bought a lot of things. I just thought of it as my share here in our house even if my dad does not know how much our groceries were. He was even asking me for some change. LOL. If only he knew how much I paid. I know our helper is not going to sell me out to my parents that I spent a lot with our groceries. It was ok because I know that it was for all of us.

Then this morning when I woke up, I thought of him. I actually have dreamed of him. We somehow had crossed our paths and he wanted to talk to me that I did not want to but then he said that he got operated for a tumor and it was in his stomach as he showed me his scar. My heart broke seeing it and the anger that I have been feeling before after he got mad and never once replied to my messages had all vanished. It was as if I was still in love with him in my dream but I was already in a relationshiop with someone but I know I was only concerned about him as a friend since we have known each other for too long. Yes, as a friend. I even mentioned about the girl that he was serious about and he said that he would have wanted it to be me but because she was the only person beside him when he was sick since both of them were workmates that is why he eventually had fallen for her. I do not know the reason behind my dream but a part of me is telling to message him and ask him how he's doing and a part of me is telling me not to because I do not know whether he will reply back or not and I feel like the girl might be the one who will read my message. I know that he does not like it when someone reads his messages. But what if this girl is different and he would allow her to read his messages? The what ifs that stop us from doing something. Those were the things that I was thinking after I woke up. I cannot recall if there was a significant event that happened between us around May 18-19 few years back that is why he was on my dream. My USB knows the answer to my question as it holds all our photos (except live photos) and screenshots of our conversations. I was the type of person who likes to screenshot our conversation way back. I do not know how he is now but I do hope that he is ok, safe and is healthy as how he was before. It was ok for me to miss him after I have dreamed of him right?

Sometimes there are moments when we feel like what we are doing or feeling is not ok but we should remember that it's ok. It is ok as long as it is momentarily. It would not be ok if you are going to stay at it for too long. One of my many favorite advice that I got from an acquaintance is that, "if you have a problem, just go through with it. Don't stay at it for too long". This advice was personally adviced to him by a known bishop. Ever since he adviced me that, I would think of him whenever I have a problem. So if you are also feeling blue, feeling guilty, feeling tired, it's ok to feel that way. If you feel like you wanted to laugh, to sleep, to recharge, to reward yourself, to splurge, to overindulge then do it. It is ok to do whatever it is that we want to do. After that, go back to your daily routine. And if you are feeling or wanting it again, repeat the same thing. Just remember that everything is ok and will be ok.

May 19, 2022

P.S. lead image is a random photo on my Gallery.