Diary of a bum

Has it been a month since I started watching Korean dramas again? I cannot really remember exactly when I started getting so hooked up again that now I cannot seem to control myself. The other night, I slept at 5AM even if I have already felt that my migraine was kicking in around 12AM. Instead of sleeping it off, I watched 5 episodes as the drama was really good. Romantic comedy are my kind of thing. Not only that it makes me hope and long for that "perfect" guy but it also destresses me. Even if I slept late, I still see to it that I get to have my 8 hours of sleep. When I woke up, my migraine was still there at the same side where it hurts. Despite that, I still continued watching the drama until I finished it and here I am already halfway on another drama. LOL. I was able to finish the other drama in less thab 24 hours so I started watching another drama after that. Truly, a life of a bum don't you think?

Each passing day, I know that I amgetting more and more stressed out and worried at the same time about a lot of things. However, instead of me trying to think and work on a solution to my problems, I am too busy being a bum. I know it is not something that I should be proud of given that I am already an adult a d that I shoukd be acting like one. But I am having a hard time to know where to start. Or am I just playing dumb about it? I think so.

Several days ago, I got to answer a phone call and it was my aunt who was looking for my mom. That time my mom was washing the dishes and so my aunt had a chance to talk to me and ask me about how I am. She asked me if I really had no more intention of working. Honestly, I was not able to give her an answer because my aunt just immediately added, "Oh, it's ok because your dad is there". Yes, I may still be living with my parents but I am the one paying for my own bills. I may not have been helpful with the expenses in our house but at least I have started to contribute again in paying for our water bill since this year started. It may not be that big help in our overall monthly expenses but at least I was able to help right? That question had me thinking everyday about what I really want to do with my life. Then I got to reflect about my past actions. Here I am again with my past. I really am the type of person who likes looking back and I really hate it. I was finally making a progress with regards to my credit card debts but I started making the same mistake that I did years ago. I was confident that I will still be able to pay for my bills just like how I did in the past one and a half years. Now, I am doubting myself.

Most of you know that a part of me does not want to work in the restaurant industry anymore. When I resigned years ago, I told myself that I will have a change in my career path even if I have to start at the bottom again. Little did I know that it will be difficult for me given my work experiences and age. As years go by, I did not know what I wanted to do with my life anymore until I decided to start my own chili garlic business. It was doing good at first but because I did not plan everything in detail and being a one-man team, I decided to put it on hold. Then after a couple of years, I tried uploading videos on Youtube but I also put it on hold because of budget constraints. Now, I do not know if I am going to continue with any of the 2 that I have started. It seems like I really do not know what I want to do with my life. Maybe my dad is right when he said that I have no ambition. I do not have any life goals. I forgot what his exact statement was but when he said that to me many years ago, I was not that deeply affected.

I do not know what I should do for me to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do with ny life. I cannot believe that I have been a bum for 5 years now and I still have not figure out what it is that I want. Or is it because I am lacking some drive? Ever since I really wanted to have a business of my own but when I have started it, I did not expect that it will be harder compared to working in a company. I was responsible for cooking, making and packing the product. I was also responsible in promoting on Facebook and taking some photos of the item. Everything was challenging. The sad part was that I was not making a huge profit and there were even days or months when I had no sales. My dad did not even supported me when I started my business. My biggest supporter was my brother as he bought a lot of my product for 2 consecutive years followed by my mom and sister-in-law. My friends and relatives also bought from me but it was all seasonal. They bought it to give to their family and friends for Christmas.

As of drafting this, I still do not know what I really want to do in my life. But I know that it is only me who can figure it out sooner or later. They say that we should do the things that we love or else we are just wasting our time. There are a lot of things that I love to do and it mostly revolves around food and service (or doing sales talk). Although as of this moment, I really do not have that burning desire yet compared to how I was before when I was planning my business and Youtube channel. I just hope that I will be able to know what I really want to do with my life and that I will be passionate about it.

June 11, 2022

P.S. lead image is random photo of my planner that I took last January.