Fight or Flight

Have you ever experienced that phase of life where everything you do seemed so wrong? That every decision you make is out of utter stupidity. From the hanging clothes in your closet to the person who you fell in love. It makes you want to stop and rethink all the choices you made, for putting you in a miserable position. A wreaking havoc of your own undoing.

I sat in front of the chocolate cake I baked hours ago as it goes dry and cold. My hand climbed up to my face then down embracing myself, feeling frustrated, waiting for nothing. The sweetness I've tasted after making the cake was somehow replaced with bitterness. I peered for the nth time in my phone trying to decipher the message behind his text though it seemed plain and ordinary. The process made my head hurt a thousandfold. No amount of rereading would change the fact in it.

I can't come, sorry. Next time babe, she needs me now. I promise I'll make it up to you. Love you, babe.

The phone came flying; slipping out of my hand, throwing it without my knowledge. The song of an incoming call was silenced as it made contact with the white concrete wall in front of me. A loud wailing cry filled my apartment, our apartment. I slumped both hands on the table. Tears ruining my mascara, making angry lines of black on my face. I didn't know for how long I stayed there, looking at my wrecked phone, unblinking. My mind going round and round with questions I rather not hear the answers, for I already knew it, right from the very beginning, even before our story started.

He will be forever hers and I'll be forever his sideline. I accepted it. I hold on to the words he uttered in my lips, the night he kissed me, stealing away my sanity. Leftovers were fine to me, I was contented. In my own bubble of a fairytale, I was happy, literally. I have him and that's all that matters, he had been my life. The sun where my world revolved. The air that I couldn't live without. The bearer of half of my soul.

Though all said, he was also a poison to me. I changed myself, every single bit just to satisfy his need to a point that I was almost wearing his skin. I became his shadow but unlike the dark silhouette that follows people around, he kept me hidden in his closet like a dark secret. He was a drug I had gone addicted to and like every addict no matter how much convincing I get from people, I kept a deaf ear. It was no use, I knew that there was something wrong but I chose to lie with myself. I have him beside me but the distance between us was hundreds of miles. Yes, I won part of him yet in the end I was still the loser.

With a heavy sigh, I finally made the effort of standing from my position. My neck went slightly stiff. The ticking of the clock rang a certain bell in my brain. I was wasting precious time that I couldn't bring back. I need to face a decision that would declare my future. It was a life-altering moment. Everything just stopped, it stayed still; a second stretched for an eternity.

Without a prior thought of what I would do next, I made way to the familiar tiled floor of the place until I came face to face to the door that held most of our cherished memories. My shaking hands gripped the metal knob, hesitation bloomed in my heart. Burning sensations traveled throughout my body. I couldn't do it, I just simply couldn't. I backed down a step or two. Then it hit me, of how the scene was like a broken record. I couldn't count how many times, I've been on the brink of leaving. Always the same, him breaking his promise, leaving me shattered. Alone.

"You're like the smartest person I have ever known and yet also the dumbest! Why are you doing this to yourself to?" My best friend shouted, her hand connected to my face, leaving my ears with a tingling sound. 

"Because I love him...I-" I was cut off, of her shaking me, wanting to pull me out from my fantasy world.

"Love? Love is supposed to make people happy not miserable! Look at yourself, you're...you're breaking! I don't even know who you are."

The conversation I had with my best friend weeks ago targeted a wake-up button. I promised myself one last chance and that was it, my final string. I turned the knob and I went for the largest suitcase I could get my hand. I stuck it of clothes after clothes but I stopped halfway through, it all reeked of him. Instead of finishing what I started, I grabbed the pen and paper from the drawer next to me. In a tear-stained face and shaking hands, I started writing. Unleashing all the bottled emotions, the sadness that was rotting me from the inside.

Dear Bunny,

Have you forgotten what day it was? I'm hoping this time you would keep the promise, ow hell I've bet my everything with the devil that you would. But I guess she is just more important than me. I know, I know she would always be. Stupid, silly me to expect. I love you, you know that, right? I'm loving you too much that I'm almost drowning. I freaking wish every time we're together for the night to last forever, for I know when I open my eyes, you won't be there to greet me about the morning. You're a dream I don't want to wake up from but I guess, every dream needs an end. Reality is kicking me hard, love. I want to be with you but I know when choosing comes it won't be me. I heard about the phone call from your secretary, the engagement? It's awesome for you not to tell me. Just fucking great! Do you even want to tell me? Oh god, I need to stop this, this BS. All I really wanted to say is goodbye and thank you. That's it goodbye and thank you. 

M.

 I stood up and leave the paper on the bed where he would easily find it. I fished out tissue, wiping off all the smudge makeup on my face. I paced, I didn't have any plan. I got no one to talk to, I got no effing phone. I shook my head, grabbed the keys to my car, and headed down.

"Good morning," greeted the guard on the parking lot of the condo. I smiled cheaply at him then looked up the time in my wrist. I cringed, it was three o'clock in the morning. I pranced hurriedly to my car and that was how shit happened.

He was coming out of his car. It froze me in my spot, I momentarily battled myself for giving him yet another chance, the final, final chance. NO! The voice in my head shouted angrily. STOP BEING AN AIRHEAD! IT'S TIME TO GROW A BRAIN! It added more.

I continued my walk straight to him, not flinching, keeping a solid mask. His eyes grew wide the moment he saw me. I walked past him but he grabbed my arm, the pain it caused me and I gave in.

"Morris, what are you doing!? Where are you going? Stop this childish game!" I still ignored him and continued my act. " I'm sorry baby happy birthday," he said, pleading, forcing my body into an awkward hug. A necklace he fastened in my neck. My farce broke and the tears flowed down unwillingly.

"Stop it, Alex! I'm...I'm going." I pushed him hard breaking the embrace. I pulled down the necklace and threw it down his feet. "Not this time. Not anymore."

"What's this from? Angela needs me and you know that-"

I cut him off. "That she'll always come first? I know." My voice came off as a whisper, almost inaudible. I turned my back and climbed into the car.

"You'll come back. You always do, you can't resist me! You love me right? MORRIS! Fucking answer me!" He shouted angrily, slamming his hands on my window.

I rolled down the glass and looked him in the eyes. Trying to catch every reaction he would do. "Yes. I love you. I love you that it's killing me knowing that I will always come in second. You, do you love me? Tell me, Alex, tell me the truth."

"Of course! I love you, baby! I always do!" He grabbed my chin, tilted it to the side and he owned my lips. I let him kissed me, I kissed back. I wanted to memorize it; the dancing butterflies in my stomach, the thumping in my heart, and the sweet minty taste of him. How could we fit in each others' arms perfectly? We were like a jigsaw that completes each other. How I wished to stay and be with him for my entire existence.

"Alex," I said, pulling away. My right hand pushed his chest furthermore. "You love me? Then why are you marrying her?" He stopped, taken aback by the question. I startled him and he wasn't expecting it.

I got my answer with his silence. I rolled up my window and started the car. I pressed the gas and drove away. His reflection on my mirror grew tiny as he stayed unmoving in his position. Finally, I've been brave enough and I chose to fly and getaway.

Most of the time when given a choice there are only two options: either you flight or you fight. We all got fears, a demon we should tame inside us, bearing the worst in us. Facing our nightmares of not repeating the mistake of others and not letting history repeat itself. We fear because we know, we might lose. Then maybe, just maybe running away and soaring the sky-high isn't always a bad decision but the best; taking a huge leap of putting everything behind your back and starting anew. Though it doesn't mean that when you fly, you're going to be flying forever. Even birds get tired.

I rubbed my tummy and whispered something to myself. "We made the right decision."